How do I very kindly say "stop regularly asking to borrow money please" in a way that is not so cutting to a friend

[PrayerHelpsAlways]

I used to be generous enough when it was
affordable to lend money to this one friend I've known over a decade..even let this friend
not have to pay back for 2 years and said to
her in the end that she doesn't need to pay
pack at all (l let her not have to pay back
around £250!)

Issue: I've stopped lending her money for
around 3 years now though.. BUT she STILL
frequently asks for last 3 or 4 years.. or hints
about it... still, I am firm saying "sorry, I can't
afford to lend, have to save for bills" etc
this doesn't stop her hinting guite often in
space of two months (around 3 or 6 hints in
that time frame).

I said to her once that her issue on needing
money for food is quite frequent through the
year and then i mentioned that food banks
are available.. but her reply is that the food
banks don't ever have food that she likes..

...HOW do I say in a friendly way that it isn't fair to keep pressure on me regularly that she's wanting money for her food regularly when she could budget carefully first before planning to stay in big cities for a while to get away and be near her child?

she keeps placing pressure on me regularly that she's desperate for money by indirectly asking me for money (will say "this lady told me to ask my friends for help when i told her i haven't
got money for food"... my friend KNOWS I'm
her only friend.. .so obviously this is indirectly asking me.

She does still ring and cares to visit even
though I don't lend any money for few years
now and has cried a few times while saying
how much she appreciates my friendship..
but I am soooo frustrated that she doesn't
stop hinting to ask for money EVEN THOUGH
I've rejected to for 3 years straight now.
This person will purposely stay in cities for a
get away because a close family member
payed for her hostel accommodation so she
could visit her child more.. but she then puts
pressure on me with hints at need for money
while staying in the city because cooking
food isn't easy when she doesn't want to take
her young child to the hostel full of people she doesn't know.. the father of her child won't lend her money unless to pay food for his own child and she has no family who can.. so empathy on that of course but I'm never hearing the end of the hints

One time she spent money on decorating new flat with paint etc.. suddenly not enough money for food because hadn't budgeted well.. so tries asking me but I already explained that my family pass me food monthly so that I can afford to save up for my rent and bills.. so the issue on pressuring me with money is so often on different things that just 10% of the time is asking me while she is with her daughter while getting issues with money 90% of time when not with her

If you really want to go with the tactic of avoiding speaking outright

Then tell her you've got money, problems and debt

You probably won't see her for dust

Easy.

End the friendship. Block and ignore her and move on upwards with your life. You deserve better and she deserves worse.

She doesn’t respect you OP. If she did, she would have accepted “no” the first time.

Try asking her for money. She sounds like she would not get the hint and if you are her only friend she clearly has no other options. Then when she says no, suggest that the two of you go to CAB together to seek budgeting advice. If she says yes then great, hopefully that will help solve her problems. If not, then every time she mentions a loan in the future, say that won't be possible but happy to go to CAB with you.

If you don't want to go to CAB with her, make the appointment and then drop out at the last minute. She can go alone.

I've know her for so long that it would be very sad to let her go.. she even got a £1000 credit card and got so excited that she offered to buy me a meal with it.. I declined saying "I don't want to add to your credit debt by accepting a meal paid from it, but very kind to say" so.. she isn't plain mean you see.. but to respect my issue on money.. yeah.. just crap.. her own blood family just were grabby with her disability benefit money but she hasn't learnt to not be that way with friends.. she has got learning difficulties.. obvious kind of to tell when she speaks.. I try then not to judge.. this may help you see the bigger picture on my issue.. when I said "family helped pay for her accommodation in the city" that isn't her blood family but her daughters grandmother on the child's dad side

Just tell her that you are not in a position to lend money to anyone and it makes everything uncomfortable and awkward when she asks. You need her to stop expecting others to bail her out or you are going to have to get up and leave.

She sounds very vulnerable op. Does she have a support worker? I think I would have a very honest conversation with her and remind her how much you care and how you've always tried to help her over the years, but that you're really worried about her ability to manage things and you think it's time she gets some proper support so she doesn't keep having to stress about money. And then direct her to CAP who can do lots of work with her on money management, help her sort any debts she has and offer lots of support. Are social services involved with the child and could contact be facilitated at a mid way point unless the child is particularly young and if they benefit from seeing her? Does she have a job and if not could you link her in with a service that helps vulnerable people find part time work so she can supplement her income without losing the benefits she has?

‘I am not your parent or your partner. Stop hinting that I should be helping you with money, that’s not the job of a friend’.

Then ditch her.

She doesn't have a support worker now to help budget .. but she used to.

She is not able to do a job due to getting seizures very easily when quite stressed e.g. one time a guy who was supposed to be a friend kept trying to ask her on the phone to lend money JUST BECAUSE he knew she got a £1000 credit card but he tried pressuring so much with guilt tripping her that she ended up having a seizure and her other daughter who is an adult got obviously very scared for her that day..

Her child doesn't want to be anywhere else but in the city centre so she can't make a plan to do a half way thing to visit

Will direct her to CAP place though! Thank you on that advice :)

I feel sorry for her, she is obviously short of money and a bit desperate but you are struggling too! You can't get blood out of a stone, as they say. Could you be clear about your financial situation to her?

You can't afford to be giving/lending her money, but could you help by offering to go through her budget with her, and finding out if there's any other benefits or help she could be getting?

You are a good friend. It's sad, life is hard for so many people now, and especially must be with her learning difficulties. It might be annoying that she's asking you, but you explained why that might be normal to her. Hopefully if you have a clear conversation about how you just can't afford to help she'll stop asking...

Why doesn't she have her child living with her?

Ask her for money

firstly has she taken into account your feelings and needs even when you have told her no politely the answer is NO.
in life you get takers and givers and it doesn't matter how much you say you cant help her. she will continue to try and abuse you financially, you have to ask yourself if she is truly your friend why would she do that.

you have several options you could say "I’ve noticed you sometimes hint about needing help financially — I just want to be upfront that I can no longer help you in that way. I hope you understand."

or

"I treasure our friendship, and I want it to stay strong. That’s why I need to be really clear that financial help just can’t be part of our relationship. I hope you can respect that."

or

"I care about you, but I need to be honest — I can’t help you financially, so please don’t ask me for money anymore. I hope you understand."

if she really is your friend she will respect that

Thank you Mammat72, hit the nail on the head practically.. it is financial abuse to keep asking me when I told her 10 days ago that I can't lend money .. but her crap budgeting shouldn't be my burden 3 to 6 times every 2 months.. she is a sweet girl but the hinting of needing money and indirectly asking me... has happened 3 times in last 2 weeks EVEN THOUGH one time 5 weeks back, when she asked if she could lend, I said "my family bring food to me every month so I can afford to save for my bills/food and save for my daughters Christmas presents this year" ..

Also a week ago when she asked indirectly by saying "this lady said to me that I should ask my friends for help" .. I said "I have strict rules put on me now Laura (made up name) so I'm not allowed to lend because I can't afford to, seeing as my family try to help me financially monthly by bringing food" .. I STILL got her on 2 different phone calls this week after that day (on seperate days) repeatedly mentioning she doesn't have enough food for the night in between other conversations about money stuff... that happens when she is trying to hint to see if I'll offer.

Thank you for your advice too.. very helpful on knowing what to say.. it's unfortunately quite a usual thing to hint at stuff to try get from people unfortunately.. she's hinted to a my friend while her and my friend were at my house years ago (first time my friend who drives had met Laura) that she needs to get back soon home but needs to walk far to bus stop and that saying it would be better to get a lift... ... hinted this infront of my friend because she knows my friend drives.. then when she smoked a year ago (now quit) .. she would say infront of my partner "I need a fag, I need a fag, I need a fag bad" .. just because she knew my partner smokes.. but my partner firmly said "when we get back home Laura, then I'll help but for now, my daughter needs to eat pizza".. we were eating pizza outside the takeaway with this friend Laura (who I also gave pizza to that I bought) and my very young daughter but some guy had been nasty on the phone to Laura so made her stressed but she felt the need to pressure us to help her get a fag there and then while we're trying to eat pizza with my young child..

Also, I have just 1 child and i know it's best to never have another (me and my partner chose to only have 1 child in the end as she needs lots of attention and care/can get aggressive because of her labels ASD/PDA etc so me and my partner agreed he should get the snip) who i get carers allowance for because my daughter needs watching all the time because of her different labels even though she's in high school now (but only can cope just 3 days a week but GCSE work too stressful still to do properly) .. my daughter couldn't go to school for a year 2 years ago because no school could meet her needs..

my mum would drive me and my daughter once a week for that year, 40 minutes to the town where my partner (my child's dad) works and get KFC there while picking up my partner.. just one time my friend Laura (made up name) was already at my house on the day we went down to pick my partner up (my child's dad) from his work and we went to drop Laura off that evening but because Laura lives not too far from KFC in that same town.. my daughter (i hadn't mentioned to Laura we'll be getting KFC) said "first actually before dropping off Laura, we can get her a KFC too" .. I said to my daughter while Laura is in the car "I can't afford to buy everyone a KFC though because they do cost a lot" .. my friend just went quiet instead of trying to make it less awkward ... in her shoes I would of said "Don't worry at all about that" to ease the awkwardness if child blurted that out.. but her not affording a KFC ever almost is why I wouldn't ask Laura weekly to join us on the car ride and I know she would hint about loving KFC.. while I can't afford to buy hers too though..

I can’t lend you any money. Please don’t ask me again.

Honestly I’d probably end the friendship and be fine with it. Who thinks this is ok as an adult?!? She sounds like a teenager. I’d say it’s not ok and it’s unfair to ask that of people; she is old enough to manage her money and there are services out there to help. I couldn’t spend time on someone like this tbh

Stop responding right away. I do this to my brother and usually wake up to a deleted text. If he doesn’t delete I still don’t respond and all of a sudden he slowly stops asking

I ignore her hints in the conversation by changing the subject soon as she hints... I don't get texts as this is always on the phone speaking..
It's been 3 years and she hasn't stopped trying EVEN THOUGH I firmly said 10 days ago that "I'm under strict rules to not lend money because my family help still every month with food so that I can save for my bills".. thank you for advice though

You just have to be honest. “laura you hinting about loans is so stressful, sometimes I start to worry you’re only friends with me because you hope I might lend you cash. That’s not true is it? It makes me feel like I have no value as your friend, I lent you money in the past when I could but now I cannot. Please stop asking, I have told you I have no spare money and it’s true. Otherwise I don’t see how our friendship can carry on, and I’d hate to lose you.”

You need to be firm and then maybe she'll actually understand.

''Please stop asking me for money all of the time, it is stressful and I don't have any money to give you. This will also be the same next week, next month and next year''.

If she has a learning disability.. you need to be much clearer. don't change the subject. Be upfront and repeat the same phrase.

I keep telling you I cannot lend or give you any money. It upsets me when you ignore that and keep asking. Please stop asking.

or

You are asking me for money again. I keep telling you to stop asking. Please stop.

I think CAB is a good idea.

Are you sure it’s food she struggles with, not booze, cigarettes or drugs? Because that kind of regular insistence sounds a bit like something that is an addiction - food, there are often lots of cheap options if on your own, although not always stuff ‘of your choice’ - be it olio, too good to go, food banks, community pantry’s etc

Suggest CAB for debt help.
Christians Against Poverty can help with debt and help ppl learn to budget (and don't try to persuade ppl to attend church)
Foodbank?

Why are you so desperate to maintain this friendship? Any good friend would understand you if you said quite brutally that I am unable to lend you money. In future don't even hint, ask, beg etc because the answer will be No!
This all sounds incredibly stressful and even if she were my last friend in the world - I could not deal with this persistence about money and her lack of it.
Her life choices are hers and if they cause her problems then she needs to address them and not keep on at you.

Just stop being friends with her? She sounds awful, I don't understand why people stay in friendships like this, life is too short and precious to spend with people you don't even like.

@Crikeyalmighty I think she does have addiction with the vapes as she uses it for trying to quit nicotine.. but I think she's vaping more often now but she did quit for a few months... Maybe not enough finances to buy a vape recently.. but I know it's not drink or drugs etc, she isn't like that with drink and drugs. Thank you for advising on food places

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff She understands when I explain but chooses to change the subject as soon as I say that I just can't anymore.. with her learning disability, it's more not getting how to not be like a rude grabby teenager.. which is really what she's doing.. but she understands definitely as I've known her for over 10 years..

..infact because she has a very young daughter.. I gave a gift of £30 (by sending through on my bank app) to her young daughter as birthday money present to go on day out that day when was speaking on the phone to Laura and her young daughter as the daughter wanted to go out that day.. her young daughter who is only 10 kept then saying (while I'm on the phone to Laura) that she hates going on the bus to town (the daughter was in her mum's house (Laura's house) not at her usual town where she lives with her dad that day) so I'm indirectly asked for MORE MONEY by Laura repeatedly saying "oh, unfortunately we can't get out today now, I don't know why she refuses the bus but she'll only take a taxi into the town and back where I live" ... then Laura's eldest daughter starts to say it on the phone too.. repeating it as if I'll respond to pass more money to their indirect asking.. I finally responded to the guilt trip by saying "it is my savings I used to give this birthday money.. I can only save for my bills and my daughters Christmas money by getting food in monthly from my family" .. Laura then responds "oh no, you shouldn't of passed this money over, don't go into your savings for us" ... just now feel this was just a show infront of her eldest daughter.. because another time 10 days ago, I also explained this.. because of indirect asking from Laura but no response to show empathy to my finances but just changes the subject.. I think it's because her eldest daughter wasn't with her!