How do I very kindly say "stop regularly asking to borrow money please" in a way that is not so cutting to a friend

[PrayerHelpsAlways]

I used to be generous enough when it was
affordable to lend money to this one friend I've known over a decade..even let this friend
not have to pay back for 2 years and said to
her in the end that she doesn't need to pay
pack at all (l let her not have to pay back
around £250!)

Issue: I've stopped lending her money for
around 3 years now though.. BUT she STILL
frequently asks for last 3 or 4 years.. or hints
about it... still, I am firm saying "sorry, I can't
afford to lend, have to save for bills" etc
this doesn't stop her hinting guite often in
space of two months (around 3 or 6 hints in
that time frame).

I said to her once that her issue on needing
money for food is quite frequent through the
year and then i mentioned that food banks
are available.. but her reply is that the food
banks don't ever have food that she likes..

...HOW do I say in a friendly way that it isn't fair to keep pressure on me regularly that she's wanting money for her food regularly when she could budget carefully first before planning to stay in big cities for a while to get away and be near her child?

she keeps placing pressure on me regularly that she's desperate for money by indirectly asking me for money (will say "this lady told me to ask my friends for help when i told her i haven't
got money for food"... my friend KNOWS I'm
her only friend.. .so obviously this is indirectly asking me.

She does still ring and cares to visit even
though I don't lend any money for few years
now and has cried a few times while saying
how much she appreciates my friendship..
but I am soooo frustrated that she doesn't
stop hinting to ask for money EVEN THOUGH
I've rejected to for 3 years straight now.
This person will purposely stay in cities for a
get away because a close family member
payed for her hostel accommodation so she
could visit her child more.. but she then puts
pressure on me with hints at need for money
while staying in the city because cooking
food isn't easy when she doesn't want to take
her young child to the hostel full of people she doesn't know.. the father of her child won't lend her money unless to pay food for his own child and she has no family who can.. so empathy on that of course but I'm never hearing the end of the hints

One time she spent money on decorating new flat with paint etc.. suddenly not enough money for food because hadn't budgeted well.. so tries asking me but I already explained that my family pass me food monthly so that I can afford to save up for my rent and bills.. so the issue on pressuring me with money is so often on different things that just 10% of the time is asking me while she is with her daughter while getting issues with money 90% of time when not with her

Never a borrower or a lender be.

Repeat it once more and if they ask again you tell them to shut up.

It sounds like you have tried every kind method of asking her to stop. Your only option now is to be blunt.

"Laura, I have already explained that I can't lend you money any more. Please do not ask me again. I can help you to find the contact details for a food bank if you need it, but I will never lend you money again".

If this doesn't stop her, tell her you will no longer be able to be her friend if she keeps asking.

It sounds she needs a bit more support handholding with budgeting and a support worker again.

shes not coping as she isn’t putting the most important needs first.

be firm and direct. You can’t be roundabout with her.

The problem is that you are unable to be blunt with her, this means that in her mind you are firmly in the 'soft touch' category and she cannot resist her impulses to keep trying to get more money out of you.
I recommend that each time she asks you you reply no and do not give any further reasons or justifications. If she persists then you should reply- the answer is still no, or some version thereof.

@Overthewaytwice thank you for advice as I will use part of your message in my next conversation I have with her (when she indirectly asks)... I know now just quickly saying it in the friendly way I did it... isn't working so I'm going to say it a LONGER way in a friendly manner to drill it to her to stop

No, I can't lend you money.
Stop asking me, because the answer will continue to be no, and it's really getting in the way of our friendship.

I’d end the friendship. She’s taking the piss. If you’re not prepared to end the friendship, every time she asks for money, say you can’t afford it and ask for a loan in return.

Why are her feelings more important than yours? However you tell her you can’t control how she’ll react, you can be as kind as possible and she still may be mad, you can’t live your life trying to control other people’s reactions.

the fact that you are over explaining to us I assume so we take your side shouts out people pleaser with no boundaries. You could have a million pounds in the bank and it still would be acceptable to say no to her. You cannot control other people’s reactions, you can’t make her stop asking. You can only control your own behaviour. So - I have told you not to ask me, if you ask me again I cannot continue this friendship.

I think you are her only remaining friend? half so what are you getting from the relationship? there is a problem that you're a fixer, so when you hear of a problem you instinctively want to fix it. So her problem is money and you have somehow been triggered to fix money problems by sharing yours. However you now know that it's not good for you (well done) but now there's a horrible feeling when you feel triggered to help but don't want to do it.
It's great that you're looking for the way out, and as people have mentioned one way is to quit the friendship. Given that she clearly doesn't take no for an answer, The other is to work on being comfortable to sit with the feeling of not helping, and just empathising instead.
You could go for the "oh dear" "that must be tricky" approach or you could go for full on coaching mode "what do you think you could do about it" .
I think is there something called CBT that can break trigger cycles? Not sure if that would work.
Good luck!

No don’t say it in a longer way as it sounds like you are justifying it she won’t hear it. It someone doesn’t want to hear something they won’t no matter how much you explain. Keep it short.

1 - Ignore any hints. You don't have to respond to anything that is not a direct request. Stop reading between the lines and feeling stressed. If she says something like 'I was told to ask friends for help' or 'I'm really struggling for money' then do not respond. It's not a question.

2 If she directly says 'Can you lend me some money' then you answer with 'No. I don't have anything spare'.

Then you move onto another subject. That's all that needs saying. You don't need to apologise, you don't need to feel bad. You are allowed to say No to requests from people.

I agree with the person who said ask her for money. Make up a story about unexpected bills and say you know she'll be happy to help you, because you've helped her in the past. She'll probably block you if you're lucky.

I vote for this suggestion, please report back op 🙏🏻

OP, what on earth has “Laura” got a credit card for? The next thing will be she’s run up a debt on that and can’t pay it back - it’s crazy behaviour. Clearly because you have been kind in the past she sees you as a soft touch. As for “food banks don’t have the food she likes” - it’s not meant to be Waitrose: it’s for helping out people who are short of money, and sometimes, you just have to take what’s on offer. Does she really think that everyone just buys precisely what they fancy? I’ve got news for your friend: most people budget, or eat more cheaply towards the end of the month. As far as you’re concerned, OP, I fear a bit of tough love is called for - I’d be telling her straight that if she doesn’t stop with the hints and requests for money, then unfortunately you can’t be her friend any more because friends don’t make their friends feel uncomfortable or put you on the spot.

What if you said to her “you keep asking me for money and I keep having to tell you that I don’t have it. I’m sorry, I can’t give you money but I can help you look at your finances and help you to sort out a budget so you won’t need to ask anymore”

@PrayerHelpsAlways just wanted to say OP, your friend sounds vulnerable and I’m glad she has a friend like you. You sound a very genuine and caring person and have looked out a fair bit for your friend already. I’m glad some wise MN have given you advice about supportive measures eg CAP etc.

You can only do so much and there’s no easy answers other than taking a step back once you’ve signposted and advised her for the umpteenth time. You have to protect your own mental well-being and so by default have enough energy for your own family as she does unfortunately sound mentally exhausting 💚.

You need to grey rock.

Stop thinking / over thinking/ turning yourself inside out about her issues.

Just say: I am sorry to hear that. I am afraid I cant help.

Leave it there.

I am annoyed for you because you seem like a very nice person.

@PrayerHelpsAlways yep didn’t want to sound mean suggesting drink or drugs because she’s clearly vulnerable regardless of the issue - please do mention the various schemes out there -honestly I’ve seen people get a whole couple of days worth for 2 people, never mind one for £3 or £4 - can be a bit carb heavy, sandwiches/cakes/ sausage rolls etc - but may help her - I think that’s the best way to go, Offer kindly suggestions - if she’s hungry she will take them ,

Start regularly asking to borrow money off her- she'll think you're skint.

Why waste your time? Just end the relationship