Advice

[Miss2820]

Hi everyone

Just after some advice really- so we are trying to save for a deposit for house we currently have a flat which we own.
So today I’ve been questioned by my husband how much I’m saving?.. he pays majority of the bills mortgage etc and I pay for all the kids things clubs nursery fees which will stop end of this month- we have two close weddings coming up which I’ve had to buy more outfits for including kids and mine and still need to buy more.. he seems to think I would of saved more than what I have as I’ve just started a new job coming up to 6 months.. I feel quite violated that I’m having to explain where my money is going?.. I have been told all my wages should just go into his account.. which makes me feel uneasy…I just feel like now I’m having to double think what I buy- I’ve never had to ever tell anyone where my money goes.. but it’s okay for him and kids to ask me to pay for xyz on weekly basis- I put the petrol in every week.. food shopping travel into work lunch etc etc..
I just got told because I don’t really drink or go out much where is my money going?.. surely why do I need to answer to that.. I’m happy to save for a deposit but I don’t know how much he realistically thinks I can save? And still have money for myself?.. I get paid around £2600- £550 on nursery £250 on clubs.. £50 week on petrol- food shopping.. all the kids clothes and then I put money to the side which I always end up using waiting for my last pay.. he seems to think between him and me we should be saving £3000 but I don’t know how’s that’s even possible when we got two kids and bills to pay?

Hopefully someone can offer some advice my anxiety is through the roof- as we are going away in October and I’m expected to sort the hotel out…

You need to sit down together and work out a plan to save if that’s what you both want to do. You’re not roommates, you’re a family household. It really needs to be all money in - all money out, allocate savings and then split the rest.

I would say though based on your figures if you are paid £2600 and those are your only “bills” you’re
left with £1750 a month- that’s a lot of money, and unless you buy yourself & all kids a new wardrobe every month you really should be comfortably saving £1000 of that if that genuinely is all you have to pay for.

I do have other household bills coming out too so when everything is paid I have around £800 for the whole month- which is for food shopping.. petrol.. train tickets for work weekly.. days out for kids.. things I may need to buy for myself.. family dinners out.. etc etc I totally get what you are saying.. but I just think once this big nursery fee has stopped it will allow me to put more money to the side but I just feel like it’s unfair that I’m being questioned but I never question him?.. I ordered myself a new hair straighter the other month and he went all funny because of the cost and I had to end up returning it.. but I would never question him if he brought something if that makes sense- like we all work hard for our money and should be able to enjoy how we spend it..? I Duno maybe my thinking is slightly different..

I think the problem is that you both want to live as single people who can spend whatever money on whatever you want, but that’s not really compatible with being a family and having a family saving goal.

Yeah maybe your right.. there is a lot more to this.. I’ve just gone back to work full time after having children and finally finding my feet and being out of work for the last 8 years by just working jobs to make ends meet.. not expecting anyone to feel sorry for me- but I went through hell.. and never was supported by husband and now i feel like im finally doing something for myself got a good job good income good career trying to put money to the side but just feel I shouldn’t need to explain where my money goes when I’ve paid some bills and the rest is for living off for the month.. the same way I never interfere in what he does when he has paid the bills..

Buying a bigger house together isn't going to fix any underlying problems in your relationship and life. Just saying.

I woudnt quite say we have relationship problems yeah maybe the past we have but have overcome that. Getting a bigger house is what we have always wanted to do since having kids but coudnt do it because I wasnt able to go back full time so we had to stay in our flat a lot more longer than what we wanted too and now that I’m working full time with better salary has made us be in a better position

Given you’re a family, there needs to be a joint discussion about money and you need a shared vision. Otherwise you’ll be pulling in different directions and it’ll be a source of constant tension. Money is one of the biggest reasons for couples fighting.

I love watching this YouTube guy’s show going through finances with couples. He has a book too, he’s American, so some specific things won’t apply, but the general principles are very helpful.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Money-Couples-Ramit-Sethi/dp/1399728636

But you're quibbling over your spending, you don't seem to have a joint account, nursery fees should be a joint responsibility (not something you should incur so you can work) and your husband appears to treat you as a small child by demanding to see how you spend your money.

Thank you! Yes it’s true!.. I know it’s a main reason why couples argue it’s happened to me..

I know! And I’ve never had anyone question me ever since working…
I just don’t know what to do I’m so full of confusion and anxiety thinking when will be the next blow up over money again! 🥲🥲

Sorry, I don't mean to upset you, but it doesn't sound like a marriage of equals, which makes me nervous when you're about to make a big financial commitment

That’s how I’m feeling like my money isn’t in a joint account and I’m being questioned and then will it just continue like this if it was in a joint account with a bigger commitment like if that’s the case no thanks!

How much are you saving?

How much does he earn? What is the cost of his bills and how much does he save?
Does he spend much on himself?

You are buying a house, it doesn’t sound like you are that interested in saving. Do you want to buy? I would probably be pissed off too.

Perhaps you need to look at some of your purchases and decide if that’s the priority - like brand new clothes for a wedding. It might be nice, but is that your priority or is saving for a new house a priority? Unfortunately some sacrifices need to be made and it’s easy to fritter money here and there and before you know it, you’ve spent everything.

I also recommend Ramit Sethi's programme on youTube.
He gets couples to fill out a conscious spending plan (I'm pretty sure you can download the template). You fill in incomes, fixed costs, savings and guilt free spending
This will enable both of you to agree on how much to set aside each month for savings and how much you can each spend on guilt free. That way you buying hair straighteners or whatever shouldn't cause any problems

I can see that your DH may be frustrated if he wants to move and he thinks you're not on the same page and keep spending
On the other hand how you are feeling now, with your new job is totally understandable.
You both need to come together in the middle and decide where you are going financially.

You need to completely rethink how you deal with money. If you don’t want to justify your eg hair straighteners then you need to both have an agreed amount of ‘fun’ money each month.

As others have suggested this is one way which seems to work for most:

joint account - all money goes into this.
All bills go out of this
Agreed amount for deposit saving comes out of this
Agreed amount for annual expenses savings eg Christmas / car insurance / house insurance / birthdays comes out of this and possibly into another pot / account
Agree amount for food / petrol / eating out / clothes each month
Split what’s left 50/50 as fun money

I use the YNAB app which is AWESOME for this.

You should also look into Vinted - I spent £18 on a gorgeous new wedding outfit and £10 on another!! Already had shoes and just need a bag which will be a charity shop.

What @FusionChefGeoff said.

Pool your money to pay for joint costs and savings. None of this 'he pays all the bills and you get the shopping and childcare' nonsense.

Split what's left 50/50 for adult personal spending money. This is what you have to spend on your stuff, no arguments. If you have money for new clothes, straightners etc you can buy them. If you don't, you don't.

Although do you really need new clothes for you, don't you have something already that you can wear? If not look at Vinted or rent something. No need to buy new, especially if you want a different outfit for each wedding. Likewise DC. Second hand or rent their clothes as they almost certainly will have grown out of it by the next time a special occasion comes round.

How much are you saving?

whats his income and expenses? How much is he saving?

did you NEED a new hair straightener? Are you buying new clothes for both weddings or are you wearing the same clothing to both weddings?

You guys need a mutually agree joint budget - shouldn't this be obvious? How can you get anywhere, not just financially but as a couple, if you are not pulling in the same direction?

Vinted is great for wedding clothes!

You need a proper conversation about money. DP should not be telling you what to do but it’s reasonable to have an agreement about how much personal spending money you each have each month, and how much is put into savings as well as bills. You sound scared and defensive; try instead to put your point of view clearly and listen carefully to him as well.

Thank you all for your messages- I agree with what everyone has said.. maybe I do need to just put everything into one account and then split what is left… and maybe this whole you spent this on this blah blah will stop as he will be able to see what bills have been paid and what is left for both of us.

I’m putting about 500-1kish a month depending on what I’ve had to buy during that month so some months I’ve put more in some months not that much- as an Indian I have various pre events so I’ve had to buy new things but planning to wear them during both!

well this is the thing I don’t think he’s saved nothing himself- his thing is he pays for the mortgage and other bills…

I totally get that- n this is what I tried to do yesterday instead I got asked why am I not saving more? And why haven’t I saved much during the last 4 months.. but he hasn’t saved nothing himself?..
i tried to explain every month once I’ve saved what I can- I have day to day costs to deal with and basically run the house on that for the month- I e food shopping petrol travel to work and back.. anything for the kids school clubs.. weekend treats as a family- family meals etc etc..

I’ve never questioned him on where his money goes.. or how much he has got to the side… like I feel invaded… the one thing i treated myself to was the hair straighteners that I’ve always wanted but put off buying each month and then I finally did and then was told to return them because they cost a lot… I’ve never ever ever made him return anything and he has always brought flash things for himself - enjoys going out with his friends most weeks drinking etc.. so it’s almost as if like you can do all those things? But your questioning me

Realistically, if you want to make a big purchase like a house together - you need to discuss together what money is coming in and going out of the household.

You need to know what he’s got and is able to save, he needs to know what you’ve got and are able to save, and you need a joint approach to how you live to a sustainable household budget.