Advice

[Miss2820]

Hi everyone

Just after some advice really- so we are trying to save for a deposit for house we currently have a flat which we own.
So today I’ve been questioned by my husband how much I’m saving?.. he pays majority of the bills mortgage etc and I pay for all the kids things clubs nursery fees which will stop end of this month- we have two close weddings coming up which I’ve had to buy more outfits for including kids and mine and still need to buy more.. he seems to think I would of saved more than what I have as I’ve just started a new job coming up to 6 months.. I feel quite violated that I’m having to explain where my money is going?.. I have been told all my wages should just go into his account.. which makes me feel uneasy…I just feel like now I’m having to double think what I buy- I’ve never had to ever tell anyone where my money goes.. but it’s okay for him and kids to ask me to pay for xyz on weekly basis- I put the petrol in every week.. food shopping travel into work lunch etc etc..
I just got told because I don’t really drink or go out much where is my money going?.. surely why do I need to answer to that.. I’m happy to save for a deposit but I don’t know how much he realistically thinks I can save? And still have money for myself?.. I get paid around £2600- £550 on nursery £250 on clubs.. £50 week on petrol- food shopping.. all the kids clothes and then I put money to the side which I always end up using waiting for my last pay.. he seems to think between him and me we should be saving £3000 but I don’t know how’s that’s even possible when we got two kids and bills to pay?

Hopefully someone can offer some advice my anxiety is through the roof- as we are going away in October and I’m expected to sort the hotel out…

Some people find it helpful to have a joint account for all joint bills (mortgage, utilities, bills, food, childcare, children's clothes and activities), a joint saving plan and separate accounts for adult guilt-free spending. But you need to sit down and work out a budget together.

Maybe he's projecting? What I mean is he is conscious he should be saving £x and he isn't so he's worried. So he's questioning you. Not ideal but as others have said you both need to sit down, agree all outgoings, agree personal allowance for incidentals (clothes, trips out, etc) and then the target you both plan to save. Just as he has asked you, you can ask him. Maybe review every other month to see if you are on track or if the outgoing budget needs to be adjusted or if you have anything unexpecting come along.

You sit down with a spreadsheet

you add both your incomes

you list all expenses that are absolutely essential

you agree what is essential - hair ? makeup? what budget for clothes?
Everything for the children in in this pot including an estimate for things like clothes - you agree this between you on the basis they need a complete new wardrobe every year at that age
you split what is left into three- his free cash, your free cash - these should be equal - and savings which can be split into house fund, emergency fund, and perhaps a Christmas / present fund

if you can’t have this discussion you have not got a future

Yeah your right- I totally get that- but why does he feel the need to question where my money goes?

Because if he doesn’t understand where it’s going he can’t have an informed idea of what a realistic budget is.

If you need to spend that amount of money to get basic meals on the table and only ever do free activities with the children, buy secondhand clothes and cut hair at home it’s a very different picture to if that same amount of money is covering brand new designer clothes several times a month, a weekly beautician appointment, taxis everywhere and private tuition for the children in several subjects.
(They’re clearly two extreme ends of the spectrum, but if he’s not close to the day to day costs then he can’t have a decent understanding of the household finances. Same as if you’re not not reasonably close to the mortgage and bills costs you can’t have a decent handle on it either).

He's questioning where your money goes, because he literally doesn't know or understand where it goes.
Instead of getting defensive, you both need to sit down together and go through expenses and decide on a realistic saving plan.
He needs to realise that you are not going to magically save a deposit for a house, that it's a team effort. If you both have an equal amount of 'fun money' each month then there shouldn't be any arguments about going out or hair straighteners.

You both need to have an understanding of where the money goes if you are both saving for a joint goal.

You are doing money all wrong. This isn’t how you budget as a family

I don’t think he’s saved nothing himself

I don’t understand this…has he saved or not?

you both need to get transparent with each other, it would take 30mins to sit down and look at both income vs outgoings

Both have your own current accounts. Get your wages paid into those. Have a joint account which is used for all bills and necessary spending, you both pay into this an agree amount each month when you get paid, how you choose to split this is up to you.

With what is left agree what portion of that money is going to be allocated to savings and what is discretionary spending. How you split this is up to you and your priorities, but if you had say £500 a month each left after all other expenses you could for example say you each pay £250 into savings and have £250 each to spend yourselves. That way you shouldn't feel like you have to justify how you spend and he shouldn't have to justify to you.

Its find a balance between honesty and transparency in terms of money, but also not totally giving up your autonomy.

There are some red flags waving here, so before you merge finances I'd review your finances together. This means you track what you've spent over the past, say, six months, and so does he - money in and money out - and what you've spent it on.
If he'll do that, and you think he's done it in good faith, then you could go on to look overall at what your outgoings are as a household, and how best to meet them and save at the same time.
If he wants to know all about your finances and won't tell you about the detail of his, that's a really, really bad sign, sorry.

I would not have returned the hair straighteners, like I was a child doing wrong. You work for the opportunity to provide for yourself as well as the others. He had an absolute cheek to tell you to do that.

This is what I coudnt get my head around- like he goes out buys whatever he wants enjoys going out with his friends and I’ve never ever asked him the cost of it all or send you better return that… like who doesn’t want to treat themselves every so often? You work hard not just for the kids to provide for them but you should be able to spend something on yourself too!

You keep talking about wanting to spend money on yourself, from your money and how you see fit - and your husband seems to be the same.

Why aren't you a team? Why are the two of you not talking about and agreeing on mutual goals? Why on earth do you guys not have a proper budget?

No one who wants to be solvent and plan for a stress-free future simply lives day to day, without any kind of planning!

Probably because he thinks you are spending too much to save
for the deposit. If he’s earning more and also not saving, you should both be looking at what you’re spending. That, or agree to stay where you are and not move.

I’ve got nothing to hide about what my money goes on.. would gladly show him my statements! He earns a lot more than me but has his priorities wrong when it comes to buying something for example he decided to buy a car and now pays £350 a month for it but he could of got something else which would of cost half of that each month- but Said because he works hard he should be able to buy what he likes- so how’s that even fair and makes sense?

Just don't put it into his account. Open a joint account which you both have access to.

There seems to be a lack of transparency and I think this is where you need to start. I think a joint account you both live from would be beneficial as then you don't have the juggle of you pay for this and I'll then pay for that and it isn't always clear if the numbers add up at the end of the month... Just make sure it's a new joint account and not his.

We have a joint account which we live out of and our own personal accounts we use for personal spending and managing our own savings.
We have a spreadsheet with all of our monthly costs including annual costs broken down monthly - e.g. house/car insurances.
We have our take home pay on this tab and we decide what is fair contribution from each of us. There have been times when it's been 50:50, 44:55, 25:75, 0:100 depending on circumstances.
We have another tab with all of our savings in, the accounts and details of the rates and when these expire. We currently update these every 3 months ish. When we were saving hard for our first house we had another tab with how much we each had in various savings accounts each month so we could see how much we were saving each month and how close to our target we were getting.
We've never questioned the other on purchase but we do talk through what we want to buy before doing so just as general conversation

but Said because he works hard he should be able to buy what he likes- so how’s that even fair and makes sense?

If he feels like that then he's not going to get a house deposit.

It's simple maths, you both earn X, you spend Y and Z is what is leftover for savings.
It sounds like there is no Z leftover as you are both overspending, which is causing the problems.

You need to agree something with him about how the two of you manage your finances as a couple. Maybe he’s hard to talk to, but keep going. That’s my advice. There are lots of ways couples arrange things; do some research and make a proposal. Being annoyed with each other about individual examples won’t get you anywhere.

Assuming because he thinks you are overspending? If he is paying the majority of the bills ie mortgage and your bills in comparison are lower then where is the money going?

Outfits / jewellery/ shoes can be reused (even for Indian weddings) and aren’t as expensive as they used to be as there is so much competition between the shops.

Might be best to have a joint account that you both put money into and all the bills come out of. What’s left in your personal account is yours to do what you like.

You’re accountable to each other for your finances. If he’s spending excessively while you’re saving for a deposit why aren’t you asking about it? You’re not going to save it on your own so you both need complete transparency and agreement about what you’re income and outgoings are, what proportion of your income you’re going to save and how much discretionary spending you have.

Theres no point in going on about what’s fair or not - as adults you need to work out a plan together and then stick to it.