Husband is giving money in secret to his family

[Jolias]

My husband has been given money in secret (from me) to his mother and sister for the last few years. I don't blame my husband completely. His mother is constantly asking him for money and he feels obliged to give it and feels too embarrassed to ask me or admit that she is putting him under so much pressure. I found out last year when I overheard his mother and sister talking about it and trying to hide the cash when they were leaving and since then I have come across many clues including large cash sums being taken out just before they arrive or we visit. I approached him about it last year and told him it is a lack of respect (because they all are under the impression that I don't know) and a lack of trust between him and myself. I have kept quiet up to now because I sometimes feel these discussions are far too upsetting and I have a thousand other more important worries to deal with at the moment. But I was wondering whether you thought it would make sense just to write a WhatsApp to my sister-in-law explaining that I actually do know about it, that I know that they think I don't, that it has the potential to cause a significant rift between my husband and I and our marriage and that although I love them I don't like what they are doing. This behaviour is very typical of my mother-in-law - I have seen her do similar things to others and she also keeps it all from my father-in-law who sees nothing of the money.

Your husband is the issue. Your mil and SIL are just the lucky recipients.

Just tell them that the Bank of Jolias and Jolias is closed, but if they have debt problems you'll happily accompany them to the CAB or help them apply for benefits.

Is this a cultural thing where your husband would be expected to help them or are they just CFs?
I would speak to your husband and tell him you are not happy because this is depriving you.

Why not speak to your husband? He's the problem, not the in-laws.

Do you have children who are going without because of your husband’s choice to give family money. Is he giving them his own earned money and can he still meet his other financial responsibilities?

You and your husband need to jointly decide if you wish to continue to support his family.
if he does and you don’t is a separation of finances possible? You need to work together. No secrets.

OK , maybe helping his mother now and then but why the SIL ? Is she an adult and able-bodied? I would not be happy about the repetitiveness of it and also the secretcy.

Separate finances are needed in your relationship. Make sure your DH pays half for all family expenses like mortgage/rent, all bills and food and towards any dc. Then if he has money left over he can spend it how he likes but don't you pay for him to come on holiday etc.

Whose money is this.

You need to speak to your husband and tell him that it either has to stop completely or he has to tell his relations that you know all about it. If he refuses to do as you ask then go ahead and tell the family that you are not stupikerd, you know what's going on and it's so rude to keep it secret from you. Your DH is the problem, not his relatives.

I think what bothers me more is the lies and the fact that they are constantly asking for money. The fact that the three of them are doing their utmost to hide it from me - I find that extremely disrespectful. I mean the money does not just belong to my husband, I belongs to us and our family. Yes, we have more than they do but we work far harder and longer than they do and they are not poor. They want extras (extra money to spend on holiday etc) and look at us as source to pay for it. We also have 3 children still at school with an education to pay for in the future and we both work really hard to pay for that. Obviously anything that they get is less for our children. We have always been extremely, probably far too generous to them in the past but the deceit is what is upsetting me. They have to realise that this is creating a rift between myself and my husband and our marriage.

It is not a cultural thing although my mother-in-law seems to have lived her life believing other people should be funding her lifestyle.

How much, how frequently and when did it start?

How do you treat money within your marriage? Is it all shared? Do you have oversight of it?

This would piss me off as DH and I share everything - I pay the bills and we live off his salary, so if he was giving away money it would directly impact the money I have access to (all mine going on the household).

If you have separate accounts and don’t share then I feel like it’s less of your business.

We also give money to MIL from time to time. The discussion of it always goes through him (either she asks him privately or we discuss it and he offers it privately). I have never discussed it with her because I wouldn’t want to hurt her pride. It doesn’t bother me whether she knows I know.

Deleted. Saw response

I used to give my dad money. It was only when my Dh expressed how unfair it was to give him money that was shared between us as partners (and earned by us both) that I really got it and stopped. Have a conversation with him but don’t be afraid to show how distressed you are. I didn’t want my Dh to be so upset and that brought it home to me.

Add up all the withdrawals and say how many years of uni it would have paid for, for the kids.

How much are we talking about here because this could all be subjective.

In front of all of them

I hope you told dh your respect for him just plummeted..

Our money is not separate, we have one account. The money he is giving is in the 1,000s so they are not trivial amounts. He gives it in cash. But more than anything I feel completely disrespected. Also because they have gone to lengths to keep it away from me.

Can you work out how much is given them in the past and I’d be taking that money and putting it aside to have post or divorce. this is a dh problem and I’d be leaving him as he is putting you and your kids at risk and prioritising others. If you have this money to give away then why not save it for the university fund or something rather than his family to fritter away on fuck all.

CFs that they are, there would be no rift if your husband weren't lying to you. He is showing them that their behaviour is acceptable, and even worth lying to his spouse to facilitate. He is the bigger issue, by far. Based on what you've written, it's quite conceivable you're the only one who doesn't like what's going on here.

Your children's Dad, their grandmother and aunt are stealing from you all. Money that could support your children's education, extra ciricular activities, holidays etc.

He should be putting you and your children first. His choices ard clear. Time for a short, sharp conversation. As someone else has suggested add the amounts up, write them down and show him. Ask him to try and justify not only the disrespect but the sneakiness and theft. Do not give him any opportunity to wriggle his way out of this. Open your own bank account and have your money paid directly into it. Get all your important papers together. Protect your children from these leeches. He doesn't deserve to be a father or worthy of the name Dad.
Good luck.

Unless you are very high earners and won’t miss the thousands (and even then it’s not really ok without mutual agreement ) then I would be very angry in your shoes OP. I think it might be marriage -ending in fact. I think you should separate your finances for a start and just pay 50% of everything. I’ll bet your DH won’t be so keen to fund them out of his own money -assuming you earn similar amounts. Good luck OP. I feel enraged on your behalf.