Husband is giving money in secret to his family

[Jolias]

My husband has been given money in secret (from me) to his mother and sister for the last few years. I don't blame my husband completely. His mother is constantly asking him for money and he feels obliged to give it and feels too embarrassed to ask me or admit that she is putting him under so much pressure. I found out last year when I overheard his mother and sister talking about it and trying to hide the cash when they were leaving and since then I have come across many clues including large cash sums being taken out just before they arrive or we visit. I approached him about it last year and told him it is a lack of respect (because they all are under the impression that I don't know) and a lack of trust between him and myself. I have kept quiet up to now because I sometimes feel these discussions are far too upsetting and I have a thousand other more important worries to deal with at the moment. But I was wondering whether you thought it would make sense just to write a WhatsApp to my sister-in-law explaining that I actually do know about it, that I know that they think I don't, that it has the potential to cause a significant rift between my husband and I and our marriage and that although I love them I don't like what they are doing. This behaviour is very typical of my mother-in-law - I have seen her do similar things to others and she also keeps it all from my father-in-law who sees nothing of the money.

Surely this is marriage ending due to the deceit?

If you don't want to split up, you need to move to separate accounts with a joint account for bills/mortgage/food/childcare and other joint expenditure into which you both transfer an agreed amount each month and the remainder you keep in separate accounts. Any money that he gives to his family must come from his personal account, so it doesn't affect you in any way. If he then can't afford to do this, he can't afford to give his parents any money.

Unless your h is going to change his ways and stop giving out money , there’s no use in telling MIL and SIL that you know. Worst case scenario would have h handing over money in front of you and discussing it like it’s accepted.

Would you h tell his mum/sister that he can’t give them any more money because you said no ? If so, you are setting yourself up as bad guy to cover for your h’s weakness

Don't pay any more money of yours into the joint account, and if you can, withdraw what you have paid in recently. Tell DH he has ruined the trust in your relationship and ask what he's going to do to restore that.
You should be blaming your husband, he is the one who has decided to deceive you. MiL is complicit but she is not married to you. I'd tell her you know she's had your money that you personally have earned and you'd like it back, as you haven't agreed to give it to her. I'd go really hardline on this, ask her for a payment schedule if she has already spent it.
If you don't make a massive fuss they'll all think it's OK.

Deceit in any form is unforgivable.

Repeatedly hiding it I couldn't stand for.
I've lent my sister money, completely my money but even so I've always had a conversation with my partner before doing it as it impacts the cash I have available to do things with him.
Definitely add up the amount, determine the frequency and what you could have done with the money. I'd ask how he'd feel if you took an equal sum and did something for just you with it.
I'd want to know what it is they are spending it on too and why they need it so frequently. I'd want it all completely in the open with all family members too.
How often do they visit without taking money?

I am not sure if you work or if its all your husbands money, but if its yours too then you are being impacted from the donations too. You could say if we have so much spare cash to share around, then you will drop a day of work a week then there will be less to give away!

It's for him to tell them that you're aware.

Your husband is the one creating the rift between you. Regardless if how much pressure his mother or sister pit him under, he doesn't have to go along with it. He chooses to. He chooses to deprive you and your children (the family he created, who are his primary family now, not his birth family) because he prefers to disrespect you in this way rather than tell them no.

Take out a bank account in your sole name. Have your wages paid in there. Pay no more than half (depending on what you earn versus what he earns - it needs to be a fair proportion and he likely earns more, men usually do because they don't take maternity leave affecting their career) towards family expenses, which includes child related expenses. The rest left over is your money to spend as you wish.

He can do the same. If he is broke from giving all his spare money to his sister and mother, don't you pay for him to go out or on holiday or whatever, and don't you pay his share of the family finances. Otherwise he is literally stealing from you and you would be going to work for no reason, if his mother and sister gets your wages. Giving money to them must be considered his personal hobby, his choice, and the money must not come from that which is needed for family expenses or from your own wages at all.

This is what I would do if I was staying together with him. I would also divorce him though, because that's the only way to truly separate finances. Otherwise if you divorced years from now, he may have spent all his money on his mother and sister, while you may have amassed savings. Because those savings amassed whilst married, they'd be a marital asset and he could claim half in the divorce. So I would separate finances with a divorce before amassing any savings.

Honestly though, I wouldn't really want to stay with someone who thought it was ok to steal from me and give our family's money to his mother and sister. That is someone with very low morals and as someone with high morals myself I'd consider it to be a mis-match. I need to be in a relationship with someone who is my equal, not someone who behaves in an inferior way and disrespects me.

There is no point in writing to your MIL or SIL because they are horrible people. Asking horrible people to not be horrible, never works. They have no shame and don't care about what you think or feel. You can't appeal to their "better nature" when they don't have one! If you get divorced or break up, don't keep it a secret from people the reason why. You don't owe your husband that protection from his own shame. Let others think badly of all of them, it's not your problem. If they don't like it then they should have thought about that before carrying out their actions. You don't owe them protection from themselves. Don't feel bad for them. They don't even think you're owed your own wages which you earn! They're despicable.