My sister in law is in severe financial trouble, how do I stop her spending?

[mummytoonetryingfortwo]

My sister in law has revealed to me last night that she’s in real difficulties and has asked me for help. She’s 23.

She works 25 hours a week for £12.60 an hour, so brings in £1,200 a month. She is studying for her masters, so cannot work more.

She has told me that she has nearly £5,000 in credit card debt, £1,500 in Klarna debt and, I believe, a personal loan around £7,500. She also has an interest free overdraft of £500.

She is spending the majority of her wages to pay off her debts, meaning she’s living in her overdraft. She just cannot stop herself spending. She’s almost addicted to it. She wants new things all the time, it spirals, and she gets into this mess. She’s now told me she’s felt suicidal over these debts.

I am able to clear these debts. I want to, but I want to do it on the condition that she breaks her spending habits and starts to get herself sorted. What can I do to help her on this path? What tactics can I use?

She needs to go to her GP now. She has an addiction and you are not an expert in this.

She doesn’t want to seek medical attention at this point, which I understand and I won’t force her to do. I want to help her by clearing off the debt, but don’t want to do this just for her to end up in the same situation.

You bailing her out, however kindly it is meant, will simply enable her to continue along this path. She will have built the debt back up in weeks if not less
If she genuinely has an addiction, she needs to face it and treat it with proper help. For the debts, visit the debt free wannabe board on moneysavingexpert.com fir expert advice

Then that’s her problem
sorry, I know you are trying to be a kind sister bit she has an issue and if she ‘don’t wanna’ accept help for it, she has to work it out for herself

If she won’t seek help then ofcourse you shouldn’t pay. You will just be enabling her.

Tbh having to pay them off herself even after she’s got it under control will be the biggest lesson never to do it again.

Why are you the person who has to bail SIL out? Who is her sibling/partner that makes her your SIL, isn't it more their responsibility? And she's young - aren't her parents more involved? Obviously you're a great and kind SIL to want to help, but I'd be worried that you don't have enough involvement day-to-day as a SIL and would just be another lender, like the bank/klarna etc, who she'd then be in debt to and she'll continue to spiral. Bottom line is she needs to deal with this herself - work with the likes of Stepchange to sort a plan to manage the debt and get help from GP/support groups/charities with her underlying problem. She won't want to do that as it's 'easier' for her to borrow money and not change, but that will only make the problem worse. If you really want to help her, point her to the help she needs. You can't stop her spending any more than you could stop an alcoholic drinking or a gambler gambling. It has to come from her or the money will just get blown.

Edited to say - if not clear, I'm agreeing with the post quoted.

She needs to pay them off herself, even if it means struggling to do so. Or seek debt advice and look at debt solutions. She isn’t going to learn anything or change her ways if you bail her out.

I wouldn’t be paying off any of her debt unless and until she gets her spending under control. I would need to see that happen before helping her with the debt. I’m not sure I would help her then anyway. Has she parents she can ask for support? Or her sibling? (who is presumably your partner).

Or perhaps she should look at those arrangements that consolidate debt. I can’t remember what they’re called but I expect someone here will know.

At 23 she really ought to be able to sort this out herself. Perhaps it will be her first big lesson in the adult world.

We’re close, she only has brothers and because I’m close in age to her we’ve become close. I was thinking of doing it on the basis of she closes the credit cards, and works full time when she finishes her masters. She hopes to get into the same industry I’m in and I don’t know if the spending is the result of just poor mental health, boredom or what. But she is genuinely upset and I’d hate the thought of her hurting herself over a sum of money that I can help her out with.

Don’t bail her out. It teaches her nothing. Help her get a payment plan together and start working on it. If she keeps it up for a year and reins her spending in, then bail her out and she can start from £0 instead of £-lots again.

The best thing you can do is direct her to a charity - can’t think of the names off the top of my head. She needs professional advice.

I have personal experience of this and I understand why you feel the way you do, but ultimately it will make things worse. If she has a compulsion to spend as you describe, then she will end right back where she started. And in that case, she won’t feel she can ask you for advice/emotional support, because she will know she’s fucked up after you bailed her out and therefore feel guilty.

Has she sought help from National Debtline or Step Change? Both are charities and only charge for services where they need to.

I'd suggest you help her to access one or other of those. The links above go directly to their websites. Using a search engine for debt advice is a bit risky as there are a lot of 'for profit' providers whose advice may not be the best.

There's loads of information on their websites including how to access Breathing Space' with debt. They also have helpline numbers.

By bailing her out you are not really going to help. She needs to sort this out herself. There are charity that help people manage their debts. She needs to go with them and also seek help. Ok, she closes this credit card but what is there to stop her getting another one.

You wouldn't be helping her. You'd free her up to spend more. It would be foolish of you.

Tell her you will pay off the amount in 6 months provided there is no further spending, and she services the debt as much as feasible in that time.

If you pay it off first, you will just enable her to continue, as PPs have said

Sorry but the threat of her harming herself/suicide should not be put onto you. This is absolutely why she should be seeing a GP not her SIL about this. Of course she 'doesn't want to' because that will mean dealing with the problem, not getting kind SIL to give her money, but if she's at the point where self-harm is a genuine issue then she needs professional help, not well-meaning help that will only feed the problem. You say yourself, it might stem from MH problems, which you'd not be solving. If you can afford to lose the money, fine, hand it over, but don't kid yourself that it's the solution and she'll just be able to stop spending.

She will never learn, never change, if you bail her out.

Getting out of debt and subsequently staying out of debt can only be done the hard way.

dont don’t do it.

Do NOT pay off her debts. She will run up new ones in no time because her pattern of behaviour hasn’t changed. You might as well by an alcoholic a drink, however kindly you mean to be.

Get her in touch with a debt counselling service who can help mediate with her debtors and agree achievable repayment plans. Slowly pulling herself out of a situation of her own making will be much more likely to benefit her longterm and make it less likely to recur.

So many people today think the answer is to earn more when they have debt. No, live within your means. I’m reasonably comfortable now despite being a single parent household. But I used to wear the same mascara two days running as a student because I couldn’t afford to wear mascara every day otherwise. 20s is prime time for learning how to be responsible, but she must learn else she’ll do this forever. Don’t waste your money before she’s learnt how to budget.

Do not clear the debts unless there’s a greater understanding of why she is spending and that if there’s an underlying cause this gets treatment too. otherwise it won’t stop and your enabling it which isn’t helpful in an addiction.

I say this from experience with a family member who has mental health issues, alongside ADHD and likely autism. One of the symptoms he was told through therapy was an addiction to spending for the dopamine hit. In 10 years he spent £130k inheritance, in addition to a £50k salary each year, has built up at least £10k of debts now with a ccj. Helping him financially would not be a long term solution - he either needs to find the help himself or sort the issue.

23 is very young to have built up that level of debt - clearing it now just enables it to happen again. A better solution would be to work with her to clear it herself

I think it’s twofold, I know she needs help with the spending aspect and that is something I want to help her with - I don’t know how, but I do. But the debt is really starting to weigh her down. She just doesn’t earn enough to pay it off, and even though it’s stupid to not spend within your means, I am able to settle it and I think it would just ease so many of her problems.

She feels so ashamed, she feels like she can’t speak to her family because they’ll just judge her. Her brothers are so successful, a surgeon and a solicitor, she feels that if she goes to her parents as the youngest and admits she’s in this mess she’ll be judged. She feels like a failure anyway, let alone admitting this.

get the debt under 10k then do a debt relief order. she won’t be able to get any credit for the next 6 years so that will stop her spending and she will be debt free.

There is not a single thing you yourself can do to ensure she stops spending- that’s not how addiction works.

Pay the debts if you can afford to but you’d have to do so on the basis that it’s money gone, and you accept she could and probably will be back in the same position in a few months.

She needs professional help, if she’s not prepared to seek that help then she does not actually want to get better and so you’d be stupid to pay the debts just to allow her to pile them up again.

Do not bail her out. However kindly meant and however concerned you are about her mental health, you will actively make the situation worse. I can guarantee that she will just run up more debt and it will take her longer to pull herself out of the addiction in the long run. You can help her in other ways by offering emotional support and encouraging her to speak with debt charities.

It's good that she has asked for help. That is the first step.

Are you married to one of her brothers?