My sister in law is in severe financial trouble, how do I stop her spending?

[mummytoonetryingfortwo]

My sister in law has revealed to me last night that she’s in real difficulties and has asked me for help. She’s 23.

She works 25 hours a week for £12.60 an hour, so brings in £1,200 a month. She is studying for her masters, so cannot work more.

She has told me that she has nearly £5,000 in credit card debt, £1,500 in Klarna debt and, I believe, a personal loan around £7,500. She also has an interest free overdraft of £500.

She is spending the majority of her wages to pay off her debts, meaning she’s living in her overdraft. She just cannot stop herself spending. She’s almost addicted to it. She wants new things all the time, it spirals, and she gets into this mess. She’s now told me she’s felt suicidal over these debts.

I am able to clear these debts. I want to, but I want to do it on the condition that she breaks her spending habits and starts to get herself sorted. What can I do to help her on this path? What tactics can I use?

Are her parents really horrible to her, or that a narrative she spins because she doesn't like it when her parents criticise poor decisions she makes?

I think my conditions would be she comes to London, gets a job and gets herself back on her feet, without her parents breathing down her neck all the time.

And how exactly are you going to make all of that happen all by yourself?

To be blunt, and I’m genuinely sorry if this offends you, but you sound very naive.

You can’t wave a magic wand and change her life. If you clear her debt she’ll just see it as a green light to rack up that debt all over again. Spenders rarely change their ways, sadly. You’ll just be throwing away good money after bad.

She needs to go to Citizens Advice or Debt Line for advice on how to consolidate her debts and pay them off herself. She also needs to learn to budget.

You can’t fix this for her.

OP she sees you as a soft touch who won't be critical but will bail her out.
Maybe there's a good reason other family members would be disappointed in her - she's run up tons of debt on frivolous stuff. She needs to feel that disappointment maybe, to realise the error of her ways? It's a very natural consequence

I’d say they’re horrible. always comparing her to her brothers, because her eldest brother (BIL) was in medical school by 23, and because her next brother (DH) was about to start his training contract at a magic circle firm. She’s “only” doing her masters and it’s not in a massively academic area, so they don’t think it’s up to the same standards

Bailing her out kicks the can down the road but won’t help her long term.

A lot of easy options in life work out to be the worst option long term.

Manipulatiive people are very charming.

you’re being ‘groomed’

you can still help her, by telling her where to go to get help, to cut her frivolous spending and get her to seek help to change her behaviour

you hand her a cheque and make it all go away will just kick the can further down the road and drag your hard earned and saved cash with it

plus.. WHEN she gets in a mess again, you will find it hard to say no because you saved her before.

no. She needs to learn.

don’t do this to yourself or your DH.

speak to him about it if you still are intent on helping.

OP, while it is admirable to want to help her, you won't actually help her by clearing her debts, as she will just run them up all over again. I have seen this happen multiple times with ex family members, and with clients. I have seen family members pay off thousands, and the the person just spends spends spends once they have their credit limit back. It is down to a lack of self control and is basically an addiction, to buy things that you don't need.

The best help you can give her is to refer her to somebody like Stepchange, who can help her to sort everything out. She needs to cut up all cards now, and stop applying for credit.

She also needs counselling. She clearly feels inadequate and has got herself into debt to appear successful, and is addicted to spending. She needs therapy to talk this through, to accept herself for who she is, and how to deal with family members.

Do not pay off her debts for her, you will just end up resentful when she is back in the exact same situation in a couple of years, but owing twice as much as she will still owe you the original debt.

It appears you have already made up your mind OP. Despite every single poster telling you your approach is wrong and will in fact harm your SIL further, you seem hellbent on continuing
Im confused as to what you want from this thread?

I’d obviously discuss her coming to London with my husband - he’s been up for that before and he does agree their parents are harsh on her. I can help her out with a job/internship, and with connecting her to health care

Rule number one. If someone tells you they need your help/money but not to tell your DH… the first thing you need to do is TELL YOUR DH.

never keep things like this from a partner.

You sound SO nice.

Def dont pay off her debts but have her live with you and helping her is a good idea.

I would extend that to include financial education ie helping her budget and save

I’m not being groomed.

@mummytoonetryingfortwo fair enough. Why not do all of that regardless. You still don't have to pay off her debt. Sounds like she would be living with you for free, so she'd have plenty of opportunity to pay off her debt herself.

I didn’t expect to be told my sister in law is grooming me, or that my husband will leave me! I just want ideas on how to help her spending - in time yes she will need to speak with charities etc., but her GP isn’t going to see her for this.

This? Why must you pay it off for her? She has to pay for it herself to learn the value of money

By all means have her come to stay but you cannot throw your own money at this.

You will be enabling her not helping.

Please tell us you're listening to the hundreds of us all saying the same.

I might offer to match her contributions - e.g. when she shows me the £750 payment or whatever, I will match that one to the person loan, to snowball that one off.

BBC RADIO 4 has money box program. They had several episodes about debt and seeking help including some organisations and whom turn to for help. Have a look.

I also would contact Citizen Advice bureau ask fir help. You can have a break from interest rates etc.

One of your conditions should be that talks to her GP (or seeks treatment privately, if you’re willing to pay for that). She needs therapy. This problem isn’t just going to go away once her debts are cleared.

Also, work out a payment plan for her to pay you back. You might not need the money, but in terms of actions leading to consequences, it would be in her best interests. Draft an actual contract with terms and a schedule of payment.

If you bail her out it will create a cycle and she’ll just get into a mess again.

She needs to get some debt help like citizens advice or CAP.

Help her set a budget and be accountable to you by showing you her bank transactions.

Don't do it. Chances are your sister-in-law will keep spending and be back in debt in no time.

She needs to get a full time job. If that means dropping or pausing the Masters degree for now, so be it. Who cares what her parents think.

She could look to see if the Open University offer her course and she could do it while she works full time.

She needs to contact a debt charity and look into getting a plan in place. At the very least, see if she can get a 0% interest balance transfer.

If you really want to spend some money to help her, offer to pay for some counselling to help with her self-esteem issues.

I wouldn't be helping her re-pay any debt unless she stops spending frivolously for at least a year and sells some of the unnecessary things she's been buying.

This!!
You would be helping her so much by letting her live with you and helping her get a job. But if you pay off her debts too, she will never never solve her issues. Set her up with therapy, a job, a safe space in your house, and accountability to stop spending - and let her work through paying her debt down herself

Moving her in with you and your DH is a bad idea.

It would be like inviting an unexploded bomb to live in your home. No good will come of it.

It’s a bad idea, a really, really bad idea and it’ll come back to bite you on the arse.