Dividing finances with partner post baby

[Honeyx1]

My partner & I have always kept our finances separate, however combining & splitting bills with joint account. Post baby, my partner is covering bills & I cover baby items & groceries leaving no money for myself.

I always thought we would just share his income post baby but he would like to pay me an allowance for these items rather than offer me access to his finances for our family purchases ie baby items & groceries etc.

How do you and your families work with finances? Is this a normal procedure as we are not married?

As a family, married or not, income is joint. All money in the pot with an equal amount of personal money.
An allowance is for teenagers not a couple in a loving relationship.

Our finances are separate. We pay the bills 50/50 from our one joint account. Food and stuff for the kids goes on a credit card so we get air miles and we each pay half of the bill when it comes in. I know most people think all money should be joint when you’re married or have kids but our way works fine for us. However, we would not do it this way if it left one of us struggling to get through the month.

I assume you earn exactly the same?

Why would you assume that?
There are a multitude of ways people manage their finances, not everything needs to be exactly 50:50. It's about what works for them. Issue is OP this arrangement doesn't work for you if you don't have enough money to get by... and he does.

No we don’t. As I say, it works for us, probably wouldn’t for some others. I had a great maternity package that meant my wages never dropped. If they had gone down during my maternity leave he would have paid more so we didn’t need to touch any savings.

All money into one account. Bills, food, fuel, savings and children's purchases come out of here.

We each get paid the same amount out of this account for personal spending or personal savings. That way we can still treat each other and keep privacy / independence.

We’re the same as @DeedlessIndeed and aren’t married. OP you and your DP are meant to be a team. What is he afraid of by joining finances?

Thank you for responses. I just don’t think he really sees it this way as an option maybe hasn’t thought it through. He earns significantly more than me and if I need money I know he will give it to me but I don’t want to feel dependant on asking

You’ve had a baby with this man. You should be a family unit. Both your salaries should go into your joint account to cover everything. That’s what we have done since day 1. I have 2 kids now and work part time. My partner doesn’t see his money as his he always says ours. He earns between 5-7k a month and me 1. I buy whatever I want for the house and kids. If it’s a bigger purchase for me (example I recently got hair extensions) I just double check with him but he literally doesn’t care what I spend it on

Is there a differential.in earnings? If so you need to each put in an amount appropriate to your earnings ... so if you earn £30k and he earns £60k, you pay 33.3% and he pays the rest.
It would have been good if you could have resolved this before getting pregnant- hopefully others will note the importance of this.

Bit late now for you, but for the benefit of anyone else readin, these conversations need to be had before you have a baby, so that you can make an informed decision on whether to go ahead with having a child with that person.

Married or not, you are a family now. All expenses should be at least 50/50, or with one partner paying in a higher ratio if they earn a lot more, so 70/30 or whatever you deem fair.

Download the MSE budget planner, enter all costs onto there, and all income, and then work out a fair split. Have a joint account that you can each pay your share into and then pay all bills and rent/mortgage from that account. That includes all costs for the child.

If he is like this now then it will only get worse over the years unless you can sort it out now. He sees it as his money and needs to get in the mindset of being a family unit.

You can't be left struggling because you had a baby, he needs to pay a sensible amount.

There seem to be 3 approaches

1. Everything in one pot
2. Everything in one pot for "family spending" and you have the same amount of money for your own spending
3. You pay proportionally to salary for "family spending" and keep what's left for yourselves

If you're not married, make sure you have protected yourself financially. Or, in other words, what would you do if he upped and left tomorrow?

Is there a differential.in earnings? If so you need to each put in an amount appropriate to your earnings ... so if you earn £30k and he earns £60k, you pay 33.3% and he pays the rest

This is what we do - salaries go into our own accounts but we pay into a joint account for all household/child expenses. The amount we each put in is proportional to our respective take-home pay.

Are you on maternity leave or are you working? When you say he pays bills and you pay for groceries, does that mean he's paying the bulk of your joing costs ie rent/mortgage, utilities, cars, childcare etc? I'm all in favour of a more collaborative approach but just groceries is quite a small portion if he's paying everything else. Obviously, if you're on SMP and basically earning nothing, that's a completely different conversation.

Separate finances, with a joint account for household bills (which we pay into proportionate to income). Maternity leave was a long time ago but I had enhanced maternity pay for 6 months , then went back to work. I prefer having my own money and being in charge of it . There's no one size fits all. It's about doing what you, as a couple agree on and are happy with.

We have a joint account and everything we need in a typical day, week. month, year comes out of the joint account.
What get paid into that depends on our income at the time. We were paying 45:55 when I was working, I was on 4 days. I've been made redundant and my partner is now paying in everything but our costs have dropped as my daughter is now in school. I'm using the joint account for coffees out and days out with my daughter things like that

And this is why you don’t have a baby without getting married when there is an income disparity. He has the money and the power, you have the work and the responsibility. And you are more likely to have adverse income effects going forward AND end upholding the literal baby in the event of a split.

If you say, “the current system leaves me with no money, and I don’t want to have to keep asking, what’s your solution?” What would he say?

You sit down, you work out what your household running costs are (must haves, nice to haves for family, nice to have individually) and then you work out how you fund it.

Must haves; accommodation cost, utility bills, core groceries, clothes to stay decent, someone available to be with the child 24-7 (so parent or childcare).
Nice to haves family stuff - baby classes, savings for each person, pension contributions for adults, holidays, meals out together, health top ups (physio, dentist).
Nice to have individual - hair cuts, gym memberships, phone upgrades, extra clothes beyond those to avoid nakedness, socialising.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

You needed to have ironed this out before you got pregnant. Your lifetime earnings are likely to take a massive hit as soon as you have a child - mat leave, likely returning reduced or more flexible hours, having to cover (between you but let’s take a wild guess who will do more ) sickness and school holidays, the general stagnation of career of mothers.

All money into one pot, from which all family costs are paid, equal ‘spends’ from any left over has worked well for us for 20 years through various different circumstances. Do not , whatever you do, fall into the trap that all child related costs are yours!

I have been married for 10 years and we have never had joint finances. Those saying that is the only way - and acting as if there is an option for you to go back in time and discuss this before you had the baby - are not presenting the options.

The idea of an 'allowance' is obviously unpalatable. But many people combine all their money, and then each person takes a certain amount that is 'their' money. That is - essentially - an allowance, even if they don't think it is.

For me, there are a few options:

1. Be unequivocal that you are not cool with separate finances any longer and you have to have access to his money completely. For this, you have to be very clear about what the rules will be - can you buy a pair of louboutins if the fancy takes you? Or, will there be limits etc...
2. Map out how much you need - add 10% for a buffer - and get him to give you that via DD each month. You can call it an allowance or you can call it his contribution to the household.
3. You guys map out how much everything costs - including the groceries and baby stuff - and you both pay into the shared account (as I understand you have always done) but it is proportionate. You are obviously bringing lots less in, so that might look like £200 from you and the rest from him.

Ultimately you shouldn't feel like you are stretched and he is fine. But there are always teething pains when a new situation occurs and this is what is happening right now. Its not ideal to have this to deal with but if you can get agreement then that sorts it out.

Do you know how much more he earns, and what he's doing with it?

We have a spreadsheet we list all outgoing and pay a pro rata amount each based on earnings

Are you planning to return to work FT when Mat leaves ends? Sadly the biggest mistake unmarried mums do is drop to PT or SAHM which is a married mums luxury.
If the baby was planned, are you planning to marry? If not, why not? It’s often (on Mumsnet) as the man is dragging his heals and doesn’t want to support or commit financially. So question him in detail, challenge financial decisions and plan to be a breadwinner. He doesn’t have your or the baby’s back.

We share all income. We don’t feel the need to have specific personal spending allowances, but if we did they would be equal. It would also be clear that mine did not include anything remotely child or maternity related. This is especially important given the long-term financial losses even high earning women take from having children. While results may vary for individual women, the statistics don’t lie. Having a baby damages a woman’s ability to earn, not just when she has the baby, but over the course of her life.