2 bedroom house but want another baby

[Deenamumof1]

Hi everyone.

Ok, it's a bit of a long one so please bare with me. My current situation is making me feel a bit stuck in life and I can't seem to come up with a conclusion and everyone else i talk to also can't offer any advice. I am currently going through secondary infertlity and would absolutely love another baby.

I have (in a couple of weeks) a 13 year old son. He's absolutely perfect. I am so grateful for him he's been the most amazing child ever. He's even going into his teenage years absolutely fine. No raging hormones or moody strops (yet😂)

I have struggled with secondary infertility since he was around 3. I have PCOS.
From when he was first born in 2012 until 2022 we used to rent our 2 bedroom house. In 2022 our landlord told us he was selling and we decided to buy it from him for cheaper than if he put it on the market. At the time it felt like the right decision as we needed a home.
Now this is where I feel like I'm stuck. Where we live is one of the most loveliest places to live. I have lived here since I was 3. I grew up here and then was lucky enough to rent our house when I got pregnant at the age of 20.
Myself and my husband work in the DVLA which takes around 7 minutes to walk from the house to the office. I am unable to drive due to a medical condition I have developed since having my son. FND.
Where we live is really expensive for a 3 bed house. There are a few options with ex council houses that come up but that is hardly ever as they are cheaper and go so quickly. My son goes to a comprehensive school that he absolutely loves and has lots of friends so changing schools just wouldn't be an option. I wouldn't want to change his life. He gets the free school bus to school if we live where we do and if we moved out of area he wouldn't qualify for the free bus service, so we'd need to get him to school. Which is about a 20 minutes drive away. Which isn't doable with me not being able to drive and my husband needing to be in work for 6am most days.

We have been given the chance by the NHS gynaecologist to try clomid as they can't offer us IVF as me and my husband already have a child. We could possibly look into IVF if these tablets don't work. But my issue is what happens if they do work. Where are we supposed to live? Our 2 bedroom house isn't big enough. I know some people raise 2 children in a 2 bed but it's a small 2 bedroom. There is no dinning room or anything to convert it into a bedroom. Both bedrooms aren't big enough to change them into 2 rooms. My husband looked into loft conversions but there seems to be so many regulations about the attic needs to be over 6ft to have it done and ours isn't.

We talked about remortgaging the house when our fixed term comes to an end if 2027 to possibly build and extention but we have to use some of that money to pay back my step dad who lent us the money to buy our house.
I just feel completely stuck. We love this area and my son is thriving living here and it's the perfect location for work, school etc. But then my dream of having another baby seems to just be impossible whilst living here. I know we could get so much more house for our money in rougher part of Swansea but with that comes so many more complications like getting my son to school and myself to work.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from writing this but I'm just wondering does anyone have any ideas?

Or can anyone help with letting go of my dream of another baby. I'm 34 in July and it also just feel like my body clock is ticking and I have to make a decision soon.

Any advice? Thanks if you made it this far 💋❤️

Second child needs to share your room until your oldest turns 18 and you need to encourage him nicely to go to a different city for uni. He’ll potentially always feel sad that he doesn’t have a home to come back to and that for sure could turn into resentment to you and new sibling tho. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that. Tough decision for sure. Xx

Oh my heart breaks with even suggesting I tell him to move out 😂 I couldn't imagine making him do that. Besides he's only 13 and he may not even want to go to university. I can't expect him to go because I want his room. It's definitely a hard decision to make.

Have you looked at 3 bedroom houses on the market? You can limit the area you search within a certain radius if need be.

Contact all the local estate agents and put yourself on the list. I’m looking in a similar area and there are quite a few 3 bedroom properties on Zoopla and Onthemarket, etc.

Maybe you think they are expensive because prices have shot up lately? You might be surprised how much your house is valued at!

It’s far from ideal but potentially could you get a very decent sofa bed in the lounge and each child have a bedroom? That would be a few years off though as you could share your room with a little one in a cot.

Or is there much garden? I know an older teenager who is happily living in a wooden garden office like their own bachelor pad.

As others have said your son may move out to university within the next five years anyway and that could have a sofa bed during the holidays.

if having a second child is something you really want you will make it work somehow and it would be a shame not to explore this option that has been offered to you.

Doesn't clomid come with quite high chances of twins?

We in a 2 bed now with 2 kids - not such a big age gap (4 and a 9 month old)

got. Really decent sofa bed in the living room we set up every night in case. And it’s a bit like musical beds at the moment tbh- never know which bed il wake up in 🤣

our plan is keeping baby with us for another year or until we think they can share! (Girl and boy) so eventually this won’t work I guess

tbh not thought about what we will do in the future - I’ve ni idea

guess we try move eventually or we sleep on sofa bed and give kids room each

probably possible to split our bedroom in half maybe 🤪

I dunno op / but good luck - maybe you can afford to move in a few years??

It is a really difficult choice and I think you need to really look at your options.

Firstly, there is the financial impact of having another child (childcare is very expensive) plus teenage children cost a lot. How will you manage?

Then there is the health risks, I noticed you said you are unable to drive because of your current health. How will your body cope with being pregnant again/having a baby?

Lastly there is the emotional aspect of looking after a teenager (who will soon be choosing their options and starting their exam course) and a baby. That is quite a difficult task. Also how will you cope emotionally if you try and are not successful.

The practical aspect, the house can be sorted. My friend uses the lounge as her bedroom (and while far from ideal she copes remarkably well).

Good luck with your decision.

Being completely honest here I wouldn’t be having another baby in your circumstances, unless you know something will drastically change in the next couple of years financially. You can’t afford a 3 bed in your area or an extension. Especially as you also need to be saving for yours and your DS’s future. Your DS at 13 is too old to share with a much younger sibling, if they were closer in age and the same sex it would be different, but 13 years age gap is too much for this and would be too big an ask for your DS, and what if the baby is a girl. Taking over the living room as a bedroom isn’t a good option either, it sounds like your house is a small 2 bed and your DS will be wanting friends to come round and stay over. Your DS goes to a good school that he wouldn’t be able to get to easily if you moved, and would feel pushed out if you took his room when he is 18. I’d put him first and stick with one.

If you were my friend I would suggest you take a really hard look at reality

You have an ideal life, practical, reasonable, enjoyable, with breathing space both physically and economically.

Why change that?

I would say you need to deal with the feelings you have about wanting another baby and manage that, not by having another child but by getting over this and investing emotionally into something else.

You are more likely to have multiples at your age - have you thought about that?

You have a really nice life at the moment, do you really want to disrupt it to try for another baby?

We have a 3 bed house, 2 DD's age 8 and 10 who can't share a room because 10yo has severe autism, a 21yo who half lives here and at uni down the road (she shares with 8yo) and my elderly dad who lives in the 3rd bedroom. My wife and I sleep on a sofa bed in the living room! I'll never move, I absolutely love my house, area and massive garden overlooking a farm.

this is the real issue…
otherwise the age gap is big enough that i would keep the baby with you, get a sleeper sofa, etc etc to make it work if you have another child. i would not make a decision this big based on bedrooms.

I personally wouldn’t be going back to the baby days with a 13 year old, but I do understand the desire for a second child.

If you and your husband (and I’d probably discuss it with my son too at this age) definitely want to try with the clomid, could you do as one poster suggested above, and keep the second child in with you until your eldest is 18 and possibly look at a self contained outbuilding as a cheaper alternative to an extension?

Just be prepared that your son might still want that end of the bargain, baby or no baby 😆

Seriously though, it’s not hopeless. If you have garden space, work out costs etc and save for those 4 years it’s doable I reckon.

Also, once you HAVE a realistic plan that it could work, it might help you to see if you definitely do want to go ahead with it.

My DS and BIL sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge. Seems like the only option.
can you actually afford another child? What will you do about work/ childcare?

Sounds similar to when my youngest was born, although the age gap wasn't as big (it was still significant though). We didn't overthink the situation before trying for a baby, as I suppose we thought we'd work it out. What actually happened was the youngest was in our room for 3 years before we ended up moving as we either had to move or have a loft conversion.
There'll be a solution, even if it's not yet.

I agree with this 💯

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. We can afford another child that's not the issue. The housing situation is the only issue.
Yes I suppose clomid does come with a chance of twins and that's a risk but that's the risk anyone takes when having a child i suppose.
I understand my life is already idyllic and everything is perfect as we are now and I am beyond grateful for my current life. Despite having FND.
But I wish I could stop this feeling of feeling a space in my heart for a child that was meant to be apart of our family. A feeling I know I am meant to be a mum to more.
How am i meant to switch that off? Thank you for the suggesting of letting go but how do I even do that?

Baby would be in with you for first 18 months then share with siblings. At point of sharing your DS would be well over 15. He might want to go to uni he might not buy once in his 20's he'd probably want to move out anyway.

I can add to the scenario - my brother and partner had a second child, when nephew one was twelve. They lived in a very small 2 bed. Second nephew is autistic, so difficult early on but great adult now. My dad put up a dividing wall in the one bedroom, they all managed. However nephew one, who often took nephew two out to play etc., always got asked about his son 😆

You can probably make a bedroom in the loft if you use a big dormer. Or you could do a ground floor extension or build a garden room. Or you could move to a slightly cheaper area. Everybody else does that if they want a bigger house. I wonder if you're inventing barriers for some reason because you dont really want anothef child? If you did get pregnant, you'd find a way.

You need to put the bedroom issue aside to some degree.

You have clearly sought medical advice for your infertility, which is a huge indicator that the increasing age gap wasn't an issue until the point where you have to make a choice to take clomid or not. This to be sounds more like cold feet/worries that you wouldn't have perhaps considered should you have become pregnant naturally at this point.

Bedrooms can make it difficult but shouldn't be a deal breaker. I have friends that are still sharing with their now 9 year old as the siblings age gap means the children can't really share (teenager stays up late!) they have a partition up in the room. I have friends that sleep in the living room. They do this because they took can't move from their current living situation.

I think for me the worry would be more about how the family dynamics would change with such a large age gap. You will be 14 years older than when you first had a child, you have a medical condition now too. Weekend days out for a toddler/pre schooler are unlikely to be of interest to your eldest child. Days out for your existing child, are unlikely to be suitable for the baby. Would you be content with this?

If your eldest child moved out at say 21, your youngest would be 7. They may not have the sibling bond you hope for growing up. When your youngest is 21 your eldest will be 35. They will potentially be worlds apart on where they are in their life paths.

For me my youngest is 13 there is no way I could have a baby. The impact on on our family life as it is now would be too high. I'm relatively 'young' but I know I wouldn't have the same energy I had with my other children, now. That wouldn't be fair to a new child.

I disagree about the potential lack of a sibling bond with a large age gap. I have a 10 and 12 year age gap, my 3 DC are all grown up now and the their bond is really strong. Stronger than my DH’s siblings who are all one year apart. It’s the same for my aunts and uncles who also have very large age gaps.

Presumably your FND is trauma related from first time round so I'd have thought having a second is risky to your MH. How will you care for a baby if you are having seizures which means you can't drive?

Technically if you cannot afford enough rooms for your wanted 3rd dc, then you can't afford it?