2 bedroom house but want another baby

[Deenamumof1]

Hi everyone.

Ok, it's a bit of a long one so please bare with me. My current situation is making me feel a bit stuck in life and I can't seem to come up with a conclusion and everyone else i talk to also can't offer any advice. I am currently going through secondary infertlity and would absolutely love another baby.

I have (in a couple of weeks) a 13 year old son. He's absolutely perfect. I am so grateful for him he's been the most amazing child ever. He's even going into his teenage years absolutely fine. No raging hormones or moody strops (yet😂)

I have struggled with secondary infertility since he was around 3. I have PCOS.
From when he was first born in 2012 until 2022 we used to rent our 2 bedroom house. In 2022 our landlord told us he was selling and we decided to buy it from him for cheaper than if he put it on the market. At the time it felt like the right decision as we needed a home.
Now this is where I feel like I'm stuck. Where we live is one of the most loveliest places to live. I have lived here since I was 3. I grew up here and then was lucky enough to rent our house when I got pregnant at the age of 20.
Myself and my husband work in the DVLA which takes around 7 minutes to walk from the house to the office. I am unable to drive due to a medical condition I have developed since having my son. FND.
Where we live is really expensive for a 3 bed house. There are a few options with ex council houses that come up but that is hardly ever as they are cheaper and go so quickly. My son goes to a comprehensive school that he absolutely loves and has lots of friends so changing schools just wouldn't be an option. I wouldn't want to change his life. He gets the free school bus to school if we live where we do and if we moved out of area he wouldn't qualify for the free bus service, so we'd need to get him to school. Which is about a 20 minutes drive away. Which isn't doable with me not being able to drive and my husband needing to be in work for 6am most days.

We have been given the chance by the NHS gynaecologist to try clomid as they can't offer us IVF as me and my husband already have a child. We could possibly look into IVF if these tablets don't work. But my issue is what happens if they do work. Where are we supposed to live? Our 2 bedroom house isn't big enough. I know some people raise 2 children in a 2 bed but it's a small 2 bedroom. There is no dinning room or anything to convert it into a bedroom. Both bedrooms aren't big enough to change them into 2 rooms. My husband looked into loft conversions but there seems to be so many regulations about the attic needs to be over 6ft to have it done and ours isn't.

We talked about remortgaging the house when our fixed term comes to an end if 2027 to possibly build and extention but we have to use some of that money to pay back my step dad who lent us the money to buy our house.
I just feel completely stuck. We love this area and my son is thriving living here and it's the perfect location for work, school etc. But then my dream of having another baby seems to just be impossible whilst living here. I know we could get so much more house for our money in rougher part of Swansea but with that comes so many more complications like getting my son to school and myself to work.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from writing this but I'm just wondering does anyone have any ideas?

Or can anyone help with letting go of my dream of another baby. I'm 34 in July and it also just feel like my body clock is ticking and I have to make a decision soon.

Any advice? Thanks if you made it this far 💋❤️

You have a great life now. Is it worth the disruption for all of you? Maybe you, but what about the impact on dh and ds and any potential strain in your relationships because if it?

I said may not have the bond she hopes for. I have a 10 and 9 year sibling gap, with myself being the younger sibling. My sister and I only became closer once I became a parent and our lives were more aligned as 'grown ups' down similar life paths. I was nearly 30 at that point. My brother and I have I don't have that same connection. So sometimes it works out, sometimes not.

People on here seem to act like it's child abuse or something but children can share a room 🙂

You should wait until one of those ex-council houses comes up and offer a bit more than it would usually go for because it is worth more to you than the market would usually pay. (I’m assuming that would still be less than the non ex- council houses.)

They can but it doesn't work with such a large age gap.

Can you extend outwards into the garden rather than into the loft?
I think though you need to make a decision on the clomid regardless of the bedroom situation. Worry about that if you get pregnant. Even if you got pregnant straight away it’s going to be 9 months then a year maternity leave (where the baby could be in your room), your son would be 15 by then and presumably doing GCSEs and only have a year or two left in school so getting him to school would only be a short term problem.
If you get pregnant you can start keeping an eye out for a suitable 3 bed that’s either still walking distance or on a bus route to school, and for your work.
Or if you and DH work at the same place does he drive? Would you all be able to drive together in the morning and DS could find somewhere to wait and do some homework before getting a lift home with you in the evening.

I agree with all of this

I understand people's concerns about age gap and that doesn't bother me in the slightest. If you knew my son and how loving and gentle he is, I just know there would be no resentment. I would never make him feel pushed out and that's exactly where my concerns are. This was the whole reason for my post. I don't want to disturb his life at all.
I get some may think I'm questioning if I even want another one with people saying you'd make it work but again I don't want to disturb my sons life and im trying to figure out how id make this work. Mine and my husband room is the biggest bedroom but even cutting that in half would make it impossible.

I like the idea of the whole garden office/bedroom idea. He would probably love that when he's 16 with his mates😂
Thank you for the concerns from some. Some people struggle with letting go of not having another baby so maybe some suggestions on how to do that so if anyone else is letting go and needs ideas?

And thank you to the people who have helped with ideas. ❤️💋

If I were you I would not move house.
Your eldest would be 13 before he needs to share his home with a baby.
Go for the Clomid and if you have a healthy child it can share your room for five years. During that time you will work out something for your older son.
You might win the lottery.
You might rent out your home and rent another down the road. DS19 might want to go to uni.
He might enjoy living in a caravan in your drive way.
He might share a flat with his girlfriend.
He will be an adult and will have options.

Visit Japan and learn to be creative with your space.

For me, I would nix the idea of having a third. You have a good life and so do your DC. Right now.

Add a child (or children) into the mix. What if you have more than one? What if your third has additional needs? There are so many reasons to NOT have another baby, I couldn't overlook them when considering how they affect your CURRENT DC,regardless of age difference

I think a garden room is a good way to go. Sell it to him though, so that he doesn't feel he's being pushed put of the main house by the new baby. You sound like a lovely thoughtful mum.

Just as an aside, perhaps also get some advice on the impact another pregnancy/birth might have on your FND. If there was trauma involved or birth trauma, good idea to have some specialist treatment before putting yourself through it again.

Edited for typos!

To be brutally honest, in your shoes I'd quit while I was ahead.

Your lives are very nicely arranged exactly as they are.

Get a pet.

Once again thank you to some people for your kindness. Just needed some advice 🥰

If you do decide to go ahead, ask your consultant about letrozole rather than clomid. Many hospitals are moving away from clomid - letrozole is more effective and has a lower risk of twins. I have PCOS and had a letrozole assisted conception and then a natural conception conception.

I think this would a lot of unwanted change for your 13/14 year old son. You don’t have space for a teen and a baby/toddler. You also have health issues that will make looking after a baby/toddler really difficult.

So where would he be able to study for gcse's and a levels? Sure do you what you need need our permission but I don't see how on earth this is fair

Ok? That's a bit uncalled for. I've literally just asked for a bit of advice on what I can do and it's quite clear from the comments my biggest concern in all of this is my son and I would do anything to make this not impact his life at all. A bit of advice is all I was after.
Nothing will be "unfair" to him I can assure you that.

Similar age gap here due to secondary infertility we had IVF, privately.
We purchased a bigger house in a cheaper area ahead of starting for IVF, but our previous 2 bedroom was a home we had considered buying. We found a 4 bed, 7 minute drive away for not much more than the 2 beds were in our nice road. It was a house that needed decor, windows but habitable so not major work.

The only way it would have worked for us to stay where we were was cutting the double into 2 box rooms and putting an extra window in, or using a sofabed in the living room for ourselves. It would have been tight storage wise and I think I would have struggled to tolerate for long

Re the age gap, I've since met a lot of people who were part of sibling sets with a bigger age gap and most said they were protective and doted on their sibling. DD turned 14 just as ds was born, she was previously mostly out with her friends rarely with us unless family events / plans, if anything we think she's spent more time with us since ds.

One way you could try and tackle this is by setting aside the emotions of the situation and thinking of those yearning feelings as your own biology taking over , it’s the biological imperative that all humans are programmed with - to procreate , and that’s what’s causing this want for another baby.

Having said that - It’s easy for me, a total stranger, to remove the emotions from your situation, but over in your real life you may well feel that actually there is one more family member to come, and if that’s the case - you’re relatively young , you could make it work …..

Worry about it ‘if’ it happens. I used clomid and nothing happened so this is not an issue until it is. Best of luck but don’t cause yourself stress as you need to be relaxed to get best chance of being pregnant

I think you should really crunch the numbers. Get your house valued, work out the equity in it and any savings, ideally speak with a mortgage adviser to help you figure out how much you can realistically afford, then start visiting different areas that are within your requirements. Be brutal about your requirements. Which things would be a deal breaker, what could you live with if pushed?
Until you have those cold hard number in front of you (we should be able to get x for this house, we can afford to borrow x, making our monthly payments x) you can’t really know what is or isn’t possible.
You purchased below market value, so your house is probably worth more than you think, especially with 3 years (5 if you wait until your fix is up) of mortgage payments.
If I were in your situation trying to make such a difficult decision, I wouldn’t speculate I’d fully explore the finances with real numbers. If you can’t make it work, you can’t make it work, but sometimes you might be surprised.

We have two kids in a tiny two bedroom. It’s doable for us because ours we only have a two year age gap and are still quite little. However, they are different sexes so we are thinking about how we are going to manage in a few years time. For us, the only option is extending (which is going to be very difficult for various reasons, but potentially just about doable) or moving. We love where we live. We’d never afford a bigger house in this village and even if we found somewhere nearby, we’d be unlikely to get both an extra bedroom and the outside space we need (DH runs a business that needs an outbuilding).

Basically we are a bit screwed and I wouldn’t deliberately have put myself in the position. We always thought we would just move when the time came but unfortunately with the economy as it is, this isn’t feasible currently.

But you are not grateful. With everything you have, it is still not enough for you.

If you want another child and cannot afford to move an extension is the only solution.

Do you mean the main DVLA op? I'm guessing you must be in Morriston/Clase to only be a 7 minute walk away?

Why does your son get a free school bus? Is he in a Welsh school - and wouldn't that continue if you moved?

You could look a little further like Llangyfelach, you get the odd gem that pops up there.

I have PCOS also and one child. She is 4 currently. We may try for another a while longer, but with your gap I don’t think I would disrupt life. Even if you get pregnant straight away, your son will be doing his GCSEs with a screamy small child. He won’t get any benefit from a sibling for a long time to come. You’d be doing it for you, and you have to square up whether it’s worth the risk to the current status quo. Personally, I wouldn’t do it.

I would love a second, but there are many perks to having just one.