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Original poster

Money rift with parents

26 replies

Lolo54 · 08/04/2025 15:40

5 years ago my parents gave me 10k as a gift when me and my husband moved house to buy new furniture ect, they had released equity from their house a few years earlier so had some money. At no point when the money was given was there any mention of paying in back in instalments or at all or standing orders requested to be set up. Now my father has asked out of the blue if he can have the money back and when I queried this and advised I thought it was a gift he stated that he "assumed" that I would pay it back. He said that they have spent all the money that they released from the house so they would like this back. When I advised him I didnt think this was fair he stated that it was not his fault I had chosen a career path that wasnt well paid ( I am a social worker). Also just to mention my parents loaned my brother 20k to buy a business 25 years ago that has been very lucrative and allowed him to lead a very nice lifestyle, that 20k has been tripled and then some. He paid it back, but this was the understanding from the start and standing orders set up.
I am questioning if I being unreasonable as to not wanting or thinking I should be required to give it back. Wishing now I had never had it and taken out a loan instead. No haters please I am not a bad person and just wonder if anyone else has been in this predicament.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 08/04/2025 15:47

It depends how much you value your relationship with your parents really. If it was me I would pay them back, it’s annoying if it was a gift but I’d see it as they helped me when I needed it & now they need that help back, and my relationship with them is worth more than 10k

TomatoSandwiches · 08/04/2025 15:47

YANBU it was a gift.

BucketFacer · 08/04/2025 15:48

If there was definitely no mention of it being a loan, then it's really not on that they have decided to ask for it back now. I notice that there was also a dig about your profession's pay. Basically, your dad doesn't sound very nice or reasonable. What does your mum say?
I think choice A is cut ties and keep the money. And choice B is to be very clear that you are aggrieved but feel you have no choice but to pay it back. However, it will have to be in tiny instalments according to what you can afford.

parietal · 08/04/2025 15:50

Yanbu to consider the money a gift. But not paying it back will impact your relationship with your parents. So think about what would happen there.

pompey38 · 08/04/2025 15:51

Mrsttcno1 · 08/04/2025 15:47

It depends how much you value your relationship with your parents really. If it was me I would pay them back, it’s annoying if it was a gift but I’d see it as they helped me when I needed it & now they need that help back, and my relationship with them is worth more than 10k

The relationship will be broken either way

Original poster
Lolo54 · 08/04/2025 15:51

No hes not that nice actually, my mum is a bit more reasonable about it. It wouldnt break my heart to cut ties with them tbh

OP posts:
Ukholidaysaregreat · 08/04/2025 15:54

Yes they should have been clear at the time whether it was a gift or a loan. Also they sound bad at managing their own money. Equity release is nearly always a bad idea and it sounds like they have spent that money and are now looking for others sources (the money they gave you). Up to you to decide if it is worth souring your whole relationship. It probably isn't worth spoiling that for 10k if you get on well. To me it sounds like they haven't budgeted well and their money has run out.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/04/2025 15:54

" When I advised him I didnt think this was fair he stated that it was not his fault I had chosen a career path that wasnt well paid ( I am a social worker). "

It's not your fault he wasn't clear about his expectations since it was given in the manner of a gift and it isn't your fault he hasn't been smart with the rest of the equity he took out.

Mrsttcno1 · 08/04/2025 15:54

pompey38 · 08/04/2025 15:51

The relationship will be broken either way

Show quote history

How? If this was me it certainly wouldn’t break my relationship with my parents to help them in return after they helped me, even if I wasn’t expecting to have to return that particular favour.

But if they helped me and then I refused to help them in return, that would break the relationship.

ConiferBat · 08/04/2025 15:54

It's crap to go back on a gift and your Dad's attitude sucks.

But clearly they were feeling flush at the time and made an error of judgement. I wouldn't see my parents go without but mine are lovely & wouldn't do this - and if they did they wouldn't be arses about it.

Do the same as DB and set up a standing order for an affordable amount each month.

ConiferBat · 08/04/2025 15:58

Wonder if they're also going to ask your DB for a dividend on his company, claiming that was a retrospective condition for lending him 20k?!

financialcareerstuff · 08/04/2025 16:06

OP, did you ask for the money? I can see that if you did/ you said you didn’t have enough money for furniture, and they said “we can manage £10k to help” then it could be misunderstood as a loan. If the offer was unsolicited, then it’s more obviously a gift. Also with a gift, it would normally be presented as a present…. In a card/ as a surprise etc…. Not as a bilateral conversation. How much gratitude did you express? Normally if you acted super grateful and said how kind it was etc, they would clarify that it was only a loan.

or do you think they meant it as a gift, it was definitely understood as this, they’ve simply changed their minds now? If so, then the decent thing for them to say would be ‘we’re really sorry- we had intended this as a gift, but we’re in a sticky spot… might you be able to help out….

user1471538275 · 08/04/2025 16:48

Pay them back a £10 a month.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/04/2025 18:34

Lolo54 · 08/04/2025 15:51

No hes not that nice actually, my mum is a bit more reasonable about it. It wouldnt break my heart to cut ties with them tbh

I'd tell him that as he didn't tell you at the time that he expected the money to be paid back, you haven't budgeted for this. Either refuse to pay it back or offer to pay a small amount each month. Either way, I would distance myself from your parents, particularly your father who sounds pretty horrible.

Grammarninja · 03/11/2025 11:16

Your dad needs the money and his pride won't let him ask you for a loan. He'd prefer to see it as you paying him back. He doesn't seem to have any insight into how this could affect your relationship. Give him the money if you can.

StewkeyBlue · 03/11/2025 18:59

It seems mad, to me, to take Equity Release from the house (if this is what they did?) to give you money. It’s a really expensive way to raise cash and the interest will be racking up.

So they don’t seem very sensible or thoughtful about money.

And very unpleasant for your Dad to criticise your v respectable career!

It’s a lot of money to pay them. Is it even possible for you?

StewkeyBlue · 03/11/2025 19:00

Does your Mum know he has asked you for it?

KarmenPQZ · 03/11/2025 20:30

Lolo54 · 08/04/2025 15:51

No hes not that nice actually, my mum is a bit more reasonable about it. It wouldnt break my heart to cut ties with them tbh

This seems so sad. And a bit heartless but only because I love my parents.

even if you cut ties though can you live with that money hanging over your head? Your brother borrowed money and paid it back. You got some money and maybe it was a loan or a gift but your parents are now saying they need that money back. I don’t know your financial situation but I’d try to find a compromise… can you pay a bit now upfront and make a plan for the rest. Ie here’s 3000 (if it doesn’t impact your life too much) and we can either pay £200 a month from now on or give you another 5k when we remortgage in x years…. Etc etc.

give a bit now as a gesture of good will and try to push the rest down the road when he might change his mind again 🤷‍♀️

caringcarer · 03/11/2025 20:35

If it was genuinely a gift now he is demanding it back I would take out a loan and pay your Dad back then go no communication with them. They value that £10k more than your relationship.

Boomer55 · 04/11/2025 17:20

Pay it back They obviously need it.

GasPanic · 05/11/2025 13:17

Looking at it from a purely financial perspective, not paying back that 10k might cost you a lot more if you decide to cut contact and they decide to write you out of their will in the future.

What's happened is frustrating, but I think maybe a halfway house would be for you to pay it back at a rate you can afford. Hopefully you should be able to explain to them that you don't just have 10k hanging around to give them all the money back at once and they will need to have it in installments.

MikeRafone · 05/11/2025 14:45

sounds like your parents have gifted you some money and then when they have run out of money themselves they have now decided you can pay back the gift.

I expect when your brother was loaned money fro his business that repayments were all sorted out at the beginning, not several years down the line

As pp has said the relationship is broken either way. You could offer to pay back at £83 per month which will give you

Or you could say that the money was gifted and you're not now paying it back as your father has changed his mind.

MikeRafone · 05/11/2025 14:47

Looking at it from a purely financial perspective, not paying back that 10k might cost you a lot more if you decide to cut contact and they decide to write you out of their will in the future.

the parents haven't made very good choices with money, I doubt there will be any money to bequest

bigboykitty · 05/11/2025 14:58

There is no legal or moral obligation for you to pay back the money. I do think it's Mumsnet-ridiculous to just assume that a person can just rustle up £10k. What will your parents do when they've burned through the next £10k? Does your mum definitely know?

BorgQueen · 05/11/2025 15:02

There will be no inheritance, the house will go to the equity release people as the debt will double within 8 years, it just keeps racking up, unless they are paying the interest.

They would be lucky to see 40% of the value via ER, depending on their ages.

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