Student son keeps asking for money

[tralalaa1225]

DS is in his 2nd year at uni. He gets a full loan and after rent at £110 pw he is left with roughly £70 pw, although in reality it's more as he gets everything paid for when at home during hols). He's not in a pricey area of the country although I get nowhere is cheap.

His Dad and I divorced last year and I am on a minimum wage FT job.

My issue is he is constantly asking me for money. I don't mind sending him the odd top up or money for the odd food shop but he barely did any paid work during the holidays and I just feel I'm being used. He only gets in touch when he's wants something.
He just doesn't seem to understand how to budget or handle money and certainly doesn't want me to help him.

I hate saying no but it's getting ridiculous.

Plenty of students here in Bath doing 10 to 15 hrs every week - plus holidays- hes simply not trying very hard -

Stop the ad hoc payments. Work out if you can give him any extra money - even if it’s £10 a week - and give it to him monthly. Then you stop the requests.
But from his point of view you do have money - you spent £250 visiting him - that was a holiday for you, not for his benefit.
He can choose to find a term time job or just work in vacation and save like mad.

He is going to keep asking until you stop giving. Personally I would do half an hour of research and look up part-time jobs in his area and send him back a list of those every time he asks for money.

This

Does he have to pay electric, gas, water etc out of that £70 as well as food and any transport or socialising costs? That’s going to be awfully hard if so.

I agree he needs a job but if he’s genuinely looking for a job and can’t get one that works around uni, then I’m not surprised he’s struggling.

I've just googled quickly and there are 206 hospitality job vacancies advertised in our town. Waiters, bartenders, hosting staff at the local racecourse, cleaners. There are call centre jobs, warehouse jobs......

Tell him no. He is young and energetic, and you are already working full time. It is time he got off his bum and stopped expecting his mummy to spoon feed him.

My ds is 16, still at school but already working as a lifeguard.

On repeat… “You need money? Money comes from working. I hate to break it to you kid, but you’re a big boy now.”

But from his point of view you do have money - you spent £250 visiting him - that was a holiday for you, not for his benefit.

Heaven forbid op spend any of her own money on herself! She doesn't go out to work just to benefit her son!

He can learn to budget, get a job, and do without things he can't afford. That's what he'll have to do when he leaves university and joins the real world.

He’s taking the piss unless he is at very rural uni. He has 14 hours a week at uni. He could sign on with some temp agencies. Is there really no bar or restaurant work, work in supermarkets or shops, etc, etc. I’m sure you could put his post code into Indeed and a big list of vacancies would come up! Has he shown you proof he is applying for numerous jobs?

I could live with the poor starving student narrative, and to be honest I can also believe that some students - especially outside of the big cities - struggle to find work given how I see some of my friends' teenagers struggling.

But he wants you to send him money, yet refuses your offer of help and advice on budgeting and handling money? That's the big "fuck you" in all this. It's entirely within his control to accept your help, and would be the exact point my sympathy stopped.

So when my son started uni, I made it very clear before he went we would only provide a basic amount of living funds and that drinking and partying money needed to be earnt. The expectations were laid out before he went. Worked over the summer holidays and took some savings with him. Had some part time work at uni in first year but gave that up as hours don’t really work. So have to readjust spending. I took some pity on him and would top up very basic money with £100 Tesco voucher a month, so wouldn’t starve! Secured another term time job at the end of 1st year via uni which still doing now in year 2. In addition worked really hard over the summer so went back to uni in second year with a couple of thousand in savings. He knows if he wants even more has to work more(term time job is zero hours so hours vary and not always many each week) now searching for positions over this summer to top up money again. Kids want more money at uni, they can’t expect it all to be handed to them, have to work for it.

I get its difficult, both ways. I'm a single mum with 2 at university; and I also work with students and see the massive and often hidden pressures there too. My youngest is in expensive bit of country (Bristol) and I'm giving £83 a week, which is more than I was assessed as needing to give, but otherwise no way to make it stack up with the rent costs, and he runs his own business alongside. But like you I would get incredibly frustrated with regular conversations on this.

Do you know what the challenges are for him? Eg are his housemates more affluent, and going out with them is putting him under pressure but he isn't able to say no as feels precarious in friendship group? Or they have the heating on all the time even if he doesn't want it? Or drink/drugs/gambling habit? Or poor budgeting? Or did they all have summer jobs and he is only now realising he should have? Or bulking up his muscles and eating loads of protein all the time? Or not knowing how to cook or cook cheaply? All these issues which come up regularly with my students. I'd really try to have an adult to adult conversation with him, - I'm concerned you're always asking for cash. Can you explain what the situation is? Not sure you've understood how pressured the cash situation is for me with you away etc.

The job market is really dire right now in lots of the traditional studnet jobs and universities making redundancies too. But as part of the conversation I'd be getting him to come up with a plan, or ask what his thoughts for a medium-term plan are, and get him to come back to you. Bits of the economy where he might find (part-time) hours, maybe tutoring, definitely care work, could he set up his own business providing services for students (eg big bucks in end of tenancy cleans). What are the sectors where he is eg warehouse work? Also worth thinking strategically now ahead for next summer, are there better options where he is a student or where you live, and get applying. Registering with local recruitment agencies, university jobshop, having a careers consultation with the university careers service about need for urgent stuff now will all help. University will have hardship funds to apply for (first come first served) if it turns out it is something major.

Good luck.

PS Have you helped him with a budget so he can see how much he should have for each budget line each week? I get he's the second year, and we hope they'd do it themselves, but it is more complicated once they are out of university accommodation and needing to budget for water, gas, electric etc...

Tell him to get a job. Most students have one.

I'm not saying that she shouldn’t spend her own money on herself - just pointing out he probably sees spending £250 on a visit & meal as indicative of her having money. He won’t have considered that budgeting was necessary to afford the trip.