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Cannot deal anymore

26 replies

Franny0696 · 16/02/2025 13:50

Urgently need some advice.

For the past 5 years me and my husband have been financially struggling to the point we have to borrow from our parents.

I always have had a solid secure job my husband on the other hand has been in and out of self employment which has totally messed everything us, he's not good with money and has caused a lot of problems for everyone.

For the past 2 years we have been really struggling so bad with the self employment I basically said you have no option but to get a full time employed job cause I cannot carrry on anymore living like this. We have been served a section 21 within the last month so now having to look for somewhere to live but he finally has a new job started beginning of this month.

Suddenly his parents want to set up a meeting with my parents to discuss options for us which I get but it's very intrusive they are wanting all our outgoings and expenses which I have provided to them and they are questioning everything down to a T. They are basically saying we cannot afford to live BLABLA which I get as currently right now we cannot as my husband don't get paid yet so had a month without money in theory.
We are in debt with some household bills but have plans for. I've worked everything out and it yes the next few months but will be tough financially but we have been in worse situation.

Fast forward to now we have found a rental that is looking promising it's £150 a month cheaper and his parents basically said move into a caravan until you sort yourselfs out. I get where they are coming from but we will be fine once we have two household income coming in, I work from home have two kids it's not practical.

My parents have helped out a lot for both us every week. My husband has borrowed a lot from his parents but half of it I have no idea where it's gone as no money that his parents have given him ever comes into the house and I only find out this when I actually speak to them. His parents are like we do this we do that like at my parents but if anything mine help more not just money but being there too.

I feel like this is going to cause a massive row and I cannot deal with it. We have 3 weeks to move and I'm sorting the house applciation tomorrow and now his mum is saying no don't do it blabla. What the hell am I supposed to do I am not living somewhere and not be happy just to pay off debts when I could set up plans and do it that way.

MY husband doesn't say anything to his mum except agree but then says otherwise when he's off the phone literally sick off it.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 16/02/2025 13:56

You need to find out what your DH is spending, and on what.
If you are sure of the amount his DP have given him, he needs to tell you what he has done with it.
It is pointless you trying to bale the family out and he is topping up the debt or not helping reduce it.

Franny0696 · 16/02/2025 13:59

@Hadalifeonce yeah 100% agree mostly to fund his stupid self employed work he had no money was invoicing wrong and was a shambles.

But feel like now his parents are getting involved way too much and feel she thinks it a competition between my parents who has done what.

I feel like I'm so close being luck F it all and I do it just me and the kids cause I do not want my life to be stuck and not be happy living with them or living else where jsut cause of this whole mess

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/02/2025 14:20

How about your "DH" moves in with his parents and you split whilst he sorts himself out properly and proves he's responsible enough to win back your trust and be a family unit again?

Hadalifeonce · 16/02/2025 14:27

If you can afford the new accommodation on your own, the I agree with RandomMess, his parents can put up with him while you settle with the DC.

Franny0696 · 16/02/2025 14:30

@Hadalifeonce part of me feels like that's the only way. Thing is we are in the mess because of him. Why should I have to put my life on hold cause his parents want ME to?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/02/2025 14:35

Sadly you will likely better off financially as a single parent. You will know exactly what every £ is spent on and borrowed.

InfoSecInTheCity · 16/02/2025 14:38

You've invited this involvement into your finances by constantly borrowing and relying on them to financially support you. The only way to stop it is to assure them you will pay them back and borrow no more.

username299 · 16/02/2025 14:38

If you don't want other people interfering in your life then stop 'borrowing' (do you pay it back) money.

There are free courses you can do online regarding handling finances, perhaps you should do those.

Your husband doesn't have what it takes to run a business and you need to sit down and work out where your money is going. Then set up an account where your DD come from and put money in each month to cover those bills.

You can contact the National Debtline regarding your current debts and get advice on how to pay them off.

Franny0696 · 16/02/2025 14:38

@RandomMess very true just had enough cannot even talk to him now after him agreeing everything and not saying anything back

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 16/02/2025 14:42

Don't let family bail you out. It's just enabling him. Go to Citizens Advice and get some professional help.

Franny0696 · 16/02/2025 14:43

@username299 @InfoSecInTheCity I always pay every penny back to my parents they I stand the situation. Half of what his borrowed from his parents I have only just found out about so that's down to him to sort out especially when it's not coming into the house. I don't want to be borrowing off anyone I'm sick of it

OP posts:
AnotherDelphinium · 16/02/2025 14:47

I think what PP have said, you move into the accommodation alone, he moves back with parents or into a caravan, you have CM from him and check if you’re entitled to any benefits as a single parent.

You can then have an absolute iron fist on your finances, and you might suddenly realise without him there you’re quids in. He can get his finances together under the (overwhelmingly) watchful eye of his parents.

username299 · 16/02/2025 14:48

National Debtline.

Free money management course

TomatoSandwiches · 16/02/2025 14:48

You need to split at least the households because he is the liability here and he is not being open about taking money from his parents with you.

Franny0696 · 16/02/2025 14:48

@AnotherDelphinium they want us all to move into a caravan or in with them but that is no bloody happening no way he can go I am not

OP posts:
Franny0696 · 16/02/2025 14:51

@TomatoSandwiches the rule is I pay for everything car kids nursery phones etc he pays for household rent food etc. but we have been getting help from UC cause his self employed work has been non existent. But not he has a job that will change as that will cover the bills and things will actually getting paid. But the thing that is frustrating he put us in the situation I've set up payments plan I'm the one having to deal with the back lash from creditors so things are in place and will be paid off. The new accommodation is cheaper so we will have spare money compared to now to pay off towards debt. But his parents think us moving to the new rental is stupid and we should pay debt off before we move yes I get that but I cannot do that

OP posts:
Miley1967 · 16/02/2025 14:56

Can you not claim some Universal credit to cover the month where he has no wages coming in ?

Nevertrustacop · 16/02/2025 15:12

Good God. His poor bloody parents. No wonder they feel the need to take control of this as neither of you have done. If you want them off your back, never borrow from them again. Tell him to never borrow from them again and tell them (the pair of you) to never lend anything to either of you again. Then agree with them a repayment plan.
If DH can't or won't agree to this, I'd separate. I couldn't let myself be embroiled in this mess.

HardenYourHeart · 16/02/2025 15:21

InfoSecInTheCity · 16/02/2025 14:38

You've invited this involvement into your finances by constantly borrowing and relying on them to financially support you. The only way to stop it is to assure them you will pay them back and borrow no more.

OP borrowed from her own parents, not his. He borrowed from his parents and is apparently feeding them some cock and bull story about where it all goes. Instead of holding him accountable, they now want an account from OP. I am willing to bet he that he has lied to them and said that OP has spent it all, instead of himself.

Bjorkdidit · 16/02/2025 17:53

Suddenly his parents want to set up a meeting with my parents to discuss options for us which I get but it's very intrusive they are wanting all our outgoings and expenses which I have provided to them and they are questioning everything down to a T

Very sensible of them if you're wanting them to lend you money. They probably want to see why two working adults can't pay their bills, so will want to see that you've at least got a reliable income or if not, why not - you don't say how much your DH earns from his 'self employment' but if he could get a full time employed job, it would be nearly £25k at least, even if it was NMW. If he can't make at least £30k from self employment (to account for lack of pension, annual and sick leave etc) or it doesn't give other significant benefits, eg fits round childcare he shouldn't be doing it.

Also what you're spending your money on. I know CoL etc etc, but a lot of people who can't pay their bills are quite happily spending a fortune on none essentials.

Or that they're not just throwing good money after bad by prolonging the agony of insolvency and the kindest thing would be a formal solution like a debt relief order.

Franny0696 · 16/02/2025 18:18

@Bjorkdidit

He's just got a job good money so from end of this month it won't be a problem.

If I am being honest we don't have spare money we have been living pay check to pay check due to his lack of employment. Pretty much been in the house all year round haven't done anything untowards don't buy anything for ourselves only the kids when it's needed.

Bills have been getting paid not fully but they have been late each month due to not knowing when he will be getting money etc. but that will change now.

I understand their point of view but they don't understand the reason we haven't had no money is because of his self employment. And it wasn't the case he wasn't looking for a job we haven't been applying since June over 85 jobs applied for so wasn't like we weren't doing anything about it. It's just been a waiting game.

OP posts:
Penko25 · 16/02/2025 20:13

Are you not embarrassed that you keep borrowing money from your parents & PiL when you’re a married couple? You need to sort yourselves out. I’d be mortified personally.

Franny0696 · 16/02/2025 21:54

@Penko25 well yes obviously. Take it you never have had a tough time in your life where you pick between paying the electric or buying food? I've never wanted to rely on my parents but sometimes in life if the help is there take it I'm grateful I have that support system. Not like I don't work, I work 45 hours a week from home with two kids under 5 doing nursery runs, running a house whilst dealing with all this crap. If I didn't have people there to help me when I most need it what am I meant to do? How your comment is so judgmental unless you have been in my position then don't judge

OP posts:
Arewethebadguys · 17/02/2025 08:13

RandomMess · 16/02/2025 14:20

How about your "DH" moves in with his parents and you split whilst he sorts himself out properly and proves he's responsible enough to win back your trust and be a family unit again?

Omg this. Get some self respect. There's no way to say that kinder I'm afraid. You'd be better off without the dead weight. You're not a partnership anyway - if you pay the bills and he spends all the money. You don't even know how much he's borrowing from his parents!

Andrew I'd be placing some blame on his parents. If they are lending him money and not seeing it return then they are enabling his behaviour.

JudgeMenthol · 17/02/2025 09:34

He is not going to change - up until now he's been happy for you to borrow money from your parents rather than take any job to help make ends meet.
I would have started feeling very resentful that he would sooner you ask your parents for money rather than find work.
I hope he does well in his new job, but by this point I'd sooner be a single parent (which I was from my son being 6) rather than live with a money sucking leech