Non married - agreeing asset splits

[moneymakesmyheadgoround]

I have been with my DP for around 15 years and have a child together. We are not married. I want to get some financial agreements in place incase we ever split up (which isn’t on the cards but I want to be protected).

We own a flat together which we pay jointly into. When we met, I was a significantly higher earner, had a property which is now rented out with rent going into joint pot, and savings (which are still in savings).

When we bought our flat, he put down the deposit on the house from his previous house sale. Since having a child, my career has changed significantly to be more present as a mother, with big drop in salary. Both salaries go into a joint pot but he puts a lot in his pension.

He would like an arrangement where we agree on event of a split, all assets incl house and pensions & my prior assets would be split equally. I’d like to ring fence assets we’ve brought into the relationship but agree a fair split on the house and pensions based on what we have contributed.

I know I need IFA to help with this but I’m not sure what type of IFA I’m going to need. Do we get advice together or separately, and do we go through a solicitor in first instance?

i know there is a whole extra issue of wills and inheritance with not being married, so we’ll need to make plans for that too.

if anyone has been through a similar situation and can give advice on possible steps, that would be really helpful.

thank you

If you’re not married or in a civil partnership then your pensions cannot be shared if you split up - there is no mechanism to do it for unmarried couples.

As you’re not married, it would be fair given the career sacrifice you have made to divert some of his pension contributions into your pension.

The split of the property would be based on how you own it / in what shares (if you own as tenants in common), if you want to change that then see a solicitor. Default is 50/50 unless you instructed the solicitor otherwise when you bought it.

Sorry, to add, I don’t think an IFA is what you need, a solicitor would be able to help.

Is the house in both your names? Wouldn’t it be easier to get married?

Getting married is an extremely quick and easy way of doing all of this with one signature. Is there some reason you're not considering that? You don't even have to tell family if you don't want to do a whole wedding thing. It can be a private contract between the two of you.

Thank you @SlipperyLizard - this is useful as I hadn’t realised that about pensions. He told me he’s put me as the beneficiary of his pension in the event of his death. Is this not possible either on the same rationale (unmarried)

No, you can usually name anyone as a beneficiary on death (a financial dependant is always ok). It is just that “pension sharing” is a legal process that you can only access on divorce/dissolution of civil partnership.

@quoque @AnneLovesGilbert i am slowly starting to realise that may be an easier option. I’ve just never really wanted to be married but I am realising life might be easier if we were. I guess maybe selfishly I feel a bit nervous of handing over 50% of everything I earned before I met him. It’s not to do with him - I’ve just always been hugely fiercely independent, despite cohabiting for this long.

I don't understand why you'd agree to give him half your assets if he splits up with you, and you're not even married? That's not rational. What's in it for you?

@SlipperyLizard thank you - that’s useful to know. So I would be deemed a financial dependent even if we are unmarried/ not in a civil partnership?

@EauNeu I’m starting to question this myself to be honest! I think maybe I’m actually trying to have my cake and eat it as initially we discussed it because he’s putting so much in his pension and I suggested I found it uncomfortable given my pension pot is flatlining and I’m putting all of my salary in the joint pot. He suggested the legal agreement to show he’d share it 50% in the event of a split but then added that we should therefore agree to split everything. I think I’ve just gone down a rabbit hole without quite thinking about the logic of it all.

i was self sufficient for so long that i get nervous of feeling dependent on someone else. But I guess I can’t have it both ways!

I should say I’ve assumed this is a money purchase pension and not a defined benefit one, and so we’re just talking about who the provider would pay the fund to in the event of death. Most schemes use HMRC’s test for financial dependency, which includes interdependency (which any couple with shared commitments/finances will have).

I don't think there's anything to set up. If you split you are not obliged to give him anything, and vice versa. There's no way to compel each other to do so, barring marriage. I would also say that if you have more assets, marrying him would make your position weaker with the exception of losing out on his pension.

Why don't you stop putting the rental income into the joint pot and put it into a pension? Or redistribute your current contributions in a fairer way?

You need to consider what both your assets are and what a 50/50 split of them might mean if you get married. If you lose out, and you don’t otherwise want to get married, then don’t.

But then you need to discuss why he’s shoving so much into his pension while you’re sacrificing yours to raise his child.

100% do this. How has your boyfriend got you giving him half your rental income while he socks money into his pension and you work part time? He's taking the piss

Thank you - this is all really useful. I guess I just need to weigh up his 50% pension versus my assets. I realise it feels very mercenary but I find finances overwhelming and I have a constant fear of being left much worse off.

@Jumblebum @EauNeu I guess I did it because post having my child, he was out earning me considerably so it seemed fair to put any money I had access to, into a joint pot. It’s his pension squirrelling that has made me uneasy but maybe I’m trying to fix this the wrong way. I think I need to work out how to get my pension to a level I’m comfortable with and leave his to him. Ideally we are together in retirement but I just want all ‘what ifs’ clear in my mind. The idea of putting the rental income into my pension is a really good one.

Your career changed but his didn't?
Put a ££ on savings in childcare
Put your rental.income to your pension pot

It's not mercenary. You have - presumably with his agreement? - given up a huge amount of your financial independence and stability to raise the child you share, while he has be squirrelling his excess income away into the one place that you, not being married to him, can never legally access.

If anybody is being mercenary, it's him, making sure that you stay poor.

You seem to be implying that the rent from your pre-marriage property is being treated as family money and not your money. Is that correct? If you are not married, why is this? If he is making sure you can't ever access HIS income, why on earth are you casually sharing yours? That should be going into your pension, for starters. And if you have dropped your hours to take on the lion's share of parenting (again, you're not married so WHY?) then he needs to pick up a proportionate increase of the mortgage because the child is also his.

You are not being mercenary enough, and you are very vulnerable.

Agree with everything @quoque said

I’m really glad I posted on here. It’s so useful having a stepped back perspective. I think I’ve been feeling thankful he has brought in a salary enough to support us both, but I agree, I’ve probably disregarded what I’ve brought in return - ie a present parent who does the lions share of childcare. I would also say I no longer want the career I once had so I think I felt guilty for losing my self sufficiency. I’ve really felt like I’ve been battling to build fences around myself with all this and maybe that’s not a bad thing.

And unless there was something legally drawn up to protect his deposit when you jointly purchased the flat, it’s a straight 50/50 spilt of equity.

@MooseBeTimeForSnow i did point that out to him when he tried to tell me that he was suggesting this for my benefit. I think we’ve both got ourselves in a right muddle because neither of us really wants to get married. I don’t think he’d intentionally screw me financially and I have no intention of doing the same to him but we are sort of acting independently with our finances but with shared lives and it probably needs better consideration.

Would it be fairest for you to take out whatever percentage you paid towards the joint property and then split the rest of the equity?
He keeps his pension as you aren’t married.

You are unmarried. What is his stays his, what is yours stay as yours.

We own a flat together which we pay jointly into.
Look at the paperwork you both signed at the time of buying. Is it 50/50 or is a deposit ring fenced? You WILL have signed something.

When we met, I was a significantly higher earner, had a property which is now rented out with rent going into joint pot, and savings (which are still in savings).
Your property is yours.
Your savings are yours.
The rent is yours.

Both salaries go into a joint pot but he puts a lot in his pension.
Since your career and therefore wages have taken a battering because of your joint child then ask him to put some of this money into your private pension. He's not suffering financially because he's had a child but you are so ask yourself why hasn't he helped to protect your future too. Being married before children protects the mother because of unfair things like this.

Don't share/divide your assets as it looks like you are better off then him right now but his pension (which you cannot get because you are not married) will protect him later on but that is when you will become more vulnerable. Imo if sign over your assets you will be screwed if he walks especially since I seriously doubt he will take the child with him or screw up HIS career to do school pickups, child sickness or school holidays.