Non married - agreeing asset splits

[moneymakesmyheadgoround]

I have been with my DP for around 15 years and have a child together. We are not married. I want to get some financial agreements in place incase we ever split up (which isn’t on the cards but I want to be protected).

We own a flat together which we pay jointly into. When we met, I was a significantly higher earner, had a property which is now rented out with rent going into joint pot, and savings (which are still in savings).

When we bought our flat, he put down the deposit on the house from his previous house sale. Since having a child, my career has changed significantly to be more present as a mother, with big drop in salary. Both salaries go into a joint pot but he puts a lot in his pension.

He would like an arrangement where we agree on event of a split, all assets incl house and pensions & my prior assets would be split equally. I’d like to ring fence assets we’ve brought into the relationship but agree a fair split on the house and pensions based on what we have contributed.

I know I need IFA to help with this but I’m not sure what type of IFA I’m going to need. Do we get advice together or separately, and do we go through a solicitor in first instance?

i know there is a whole extra issue of wills and inheritance with not being married, so we’ll need to make plans for that too.

if anyone has been through a similar situation and can give advice on possible steps, that would be really helpful.

thank you

@moneymakesmyheadgoround
what I’ve brought in return - ie a present parent who does the lions share of childcare. I would also say I no longer want the career I once had

Creating a financial safety net for someone who sabotages their long term earning potential in this way for the benefit of home and family life is precisely the point of the legal instrument of marriage. Get married. It's not about romance it's a practical solution for exactly your situation.

This from a pp sums it up:

"He is not suffering financially because he's had a child but you are"

This and it's not fair or right

This is all really useful - thank you. I think ultimately this hasn’t struck me as an issue until recently because we were fairly equal in assets but now we’ve reached a tipping point and I’ve realised I’ve given away (until now) my levers to keep growing my assets while he’s super charged his.

I don’t think he’s done this with bad intent - he does put significantly more in the joint account than I do each month and is in no way controlling over how it is spent. And his focus on pension is about protecting for the future and he was of the understanding (as was I until this thread) that he could create a legal agreement that it could be split in event of a split. But, standing back from it all now has made me realise I’m not doing myself any favours blindly walking into the future like this. He’s never been adverse to marriage - that’s mainly been down to me - so I think that’s the conversation I need to have.

thank you, everyone for all the great advice.

Good insight, OP—especially the notion of a tipping point. We start relationships in one frame of mind but by their very nature they are dynamic systems—the babies come, grow, leave; or careers change, thrive, collapse. Its good to revisit the plan and think about how you can control the new risks and possibilities that come with change. You might consider how you can leverage your joint assets now to change careers in the future. Life is long and you will not need to be a full time mother forever.

Why get married to someone like that in the first place, knowing that you have no trust in him seeing you OK in the event of a divorce. We none of us know what a beloved partner might become when they turn into an adversary, but just think if he's like this now, you're tying yourself to him even more.

my strongest aversion is meanness - mean with money, mean with love as they say. I can compromise on most traits, but meanness is a showstopper. That's only my preference and I recognise I'm not you. But what you're describing sounds very transactional unfortunately, and all because you lack trust in how he is, which is sad, because you sound like a thoroughly decent person who deserves a lot better.

@moneymakesmyheadgoround your circumstances sound similar to mine.

As posters have pointed out marriage is a contract that sorts out all the supplementary life admin, not just a fancy dress and being the centre of attention for a day.

I owned a flat and rented it out, but the income from it went in to a separate bank account in my name, not the joint account.

At 50 - after 16 years together and a 9 year old - we split up. He had a massive pension pot - high earner, has breached the £1m threshold etc.

Fortunately my flat has increased considerably in value (but the growth is nowhere near the equivalent of his pension). I had continued to work a 30 hour contract, so part time working has reduced my pension pot by 1/5th only. However at 50 it woke me up to the lack of retirement planning I'd made.

I was always anti marriage. He had wanted to be married but for some reason I saw it as damaging my independence. Do a spreadsheet and roughly total up both your assets. If you think you'd be giving up more financially then don't get married. But when children come along it really does tip unequally.

I don't think your partner is being mean. There's a huge tax advantage from him paying into his pension, I'd be doing the same if I were him. A rethink is in order, I'd start paying higher into your workplace pension directly from your salary (more tax efficient and will reduce your contributions via self assessment). But ultimately, if I had my life again, I'd have quietly got married after having a child. I've cost myself about 300k. If you total up the unpaid work you are doing eg 50 a day for nursery fees, 50 a day for household cleaner/shopper etc. You are saving him a fortune!

Mumsnet is brilliant for gleaming information and you're doing it at the right time.

@ColourByNumbers88 thank you - this is really, really helpful. I agree, this is a scenario where Mumsnet really comes into its own by giving incredibly insightful perspectives from lived experiences - which frankly, is hitting home way more than an IFA or solicitor would have done!

I totally agree that he is doing the sensible thing with regards to his pension- the wake up call is realising that safety net he’s sensibly creating is only going to catch him in the future, if we stay unmarried.

thank you for sharing your experience. Hindsight is a precious thing, and it’s incredibly generous to share yours, to help me.