Unequal home ownership - grateful for any advice!

[OnThisHarvestMoon]

My husband and I are thinking of buying a house together. We currently live in the flat that he owns but it's too small now we also have a child.

I also own a flat that is currently being rented; it’s a lot less valuable than his: worth less than half.

We plan to sell both flats to buy our forever family home.

His family have very generously offered to help us buy a place, but they want any money they contribute plus the money he puts in from the sale of his own flat (they originally purchased it for him) ringfenced with a Tenancy in Common agreement whereby I am only entitled to the exact amount I put in (and the corresponding percentage of interest if it accrues value) if the property is ever sold. They also want us to buy in a particular, and very expensive, area as a condition of contributing the money. I think I would end up owning about a fifth of the property.

I don’t know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I can absolutely understand their desire to protect their wealth and it’s completely fair. On the other hand, I’m struggling to get over how much less financial security I will have than my husband should our marriage ever end. (We really love each other and have a strong and honest relationship, so I’m not expecting this to happen, but then who is?)

I am feeling extremely financially insecure as my career (and self esteem) has taken a big hit post maternity leave as I’ve struggled to find steady work (I freelance). I have mostly been living off my rental income (which I will obviously lose if we sell my flat to buy a family home as per the plan) with my husband covering our major expenses.

I also still look after my daughter one day a week and am the default caregiver any time she wakes in the night, there’s a nursery inset day or she’s off sick (which is a lot!). We are also talking about possibly having a second child, so I’m aware my earning potential might suffer more over the next few years, not least because I will be exhausted.

i think I’m also scared that our financial situations will get further and further apart and I’ll be constantly worried about how I can earn enough to give myself a decent safety net and/or that I won’t be able to keep up with the lifestyle my husband aspires to because I’ll be constantly trying to save!

The bills on a big house will be higher, as will the cost of living in the area his family wants us to buy. I also think I just don’t like the idea of owing only 1/5 of our family home. I guess I want to feel like equals and like a team and I also worry how I’d buy another home suitable for two children in this very expensive area (presuming they’d be at school there) if he ever left me.

It seems that with a Tenancy in Common agreement I also wouldn’t automatically get the house if my husband died, so I have a fear that should that if happened, my children and I could get kicked out of our family home if his parents decided to sell (I think this is very unlikely as they are good people, but it still makes me feel insecure).

Does anyone have any advice? Am I looking at this the wrong way? I want to feel happy and excited about the prospect of moving to a lovely new home together, but I just feel anxious and sad.

@NoSquirrels actually I believe Tenants in Common agreement is legally binding even if you are married. I.e. in the case of separation you both get back your pre agreed percentages.

My husband thinks this is a good deal for me. I get to live in a nicer house and we live mortgage free so I can save some of whatever I earn. My perspective is that he also is mortgage free and has the benefit of owning most of the house giving him ultimate control over where we live and greater financial security plus he has freedom to skyrocket his salary while he isn’t impacted by the limitations of having children.

It’s so frustrating because I don’t want his family’s extra money! I just want to feel an equal in our marriage and financially secure

Currently as you are married surely you would be entitled to 50% of 'his' more expensive flat.

I wouldn't touch this proposal and quite frankly I would be insulted and not look at his parents in the same way again x

Regarding the final bit of your post ... you would lose your home if your husband died. I absolutely would not agree to this, it's a disgusting proposal, you should be able to remain in the house until death.

He's expecting you to give up your career, income from your flat and do most of the childcare and get a 20% stake in the big house. I'd just decline and keep my flat and stay where I am. He's trying to make the rules but you don't have to play by them.

No way would I sign agreement, your DH should tell his parents you are married and have a child, possibly children together. If they are happy to gift you as a couple money to buy a house, then that’s fine, it’s down to you and your DH to decide where you live. As nice as it sounds, I would rather be 50/50 in a marriage. All this he/she put in such a such percentage, makes me very sad.

My advice would be don't do it. Tenants in common means if something happens to him and he dies you might find yourself homeless because he's willed his 80% to his parents. Joint tenancy ownership passes automatically to the survivors, tenants in common means it goes where he wills it to go. I expect his parents have said this needs to be left to them in the will.

It also provides no recognition of the financial hit you've taken because of pregnancy and parenting and the ongoing expectation that you're the default parent. This financial sacrifice should be recognised and they're valuing this as worthless.

I would not put up with anyone being this involved in my marriage OP. Telling you where to live and being this involved in your finances? What is the point of marriage then? Your DH had a right to have this conversation with you. His family absolutely does not.

This. If he passed, then his family could drag you through the courts for his share of the house, and even if he willed it to you, he could change his will (without you knowing) at any time.

I agree with this. Consider nothing else. If your husband agrees to his parents’ terms, he doesn’t have your best interests at heart. As a young mum with child care and maternity leave, he should see his role is to provide more. Then, in the future, you move forward as equals.

You need to have an honest conversation about you being an equal in the marriage and feeling financially secure.

Your money should be pooled and he should understand and respect your role in your family allows him to develop his career, at the detriment of your own. The alternative is you go back to work full time and both of you pay for childcare.

Whatever you do, don't take the money from his family. They will forever be enmeshed in your lives.

I think it’s fine for them to ring fence their gift & lots of parents do this with adult children. I wouldn’t personally do it where children are involved but it is a common thing.

What is not reasonable is them thinking that just because they are gifting your partner some money, they can dictate where you both buy a house. He needs to stand up to them and say the two of you will decide where to buy a house. You should buy somewhere where you can own a bigger percentage of the property.

When it comes to the family home and includes children, accept nothing less than joint tenants with no stipulations as to %.
If your dh had a family trust worth gazillions that existed before you met, if he had £1m of his granny's jewellery, then I'd say there was a negotiation to be had. But the sale of both flats to buy one single primary residence for the nuclear family - no.
The ILs may say they are trying to protect their wee darling should you run off with the milkman - it is far more likely they are trying to protect their wee darling's money when HE wants out of the marriage.
TBH, I'd expect my husband to be telling them to eff off.

Just wanted to add that it concerns me that your husband is unable to see the situation from your perspective whereas strangers on Mumsnet can.

You need to have a big talk with him about this and ask the question: are we equals in this marriage or aren’t we? Because he doesn’t seem to be treating you as an equal at the moment or fully appreciating the sacrifices you have made for the sake of having children with him.

This has got disaster written all over it. Even knowing that his parents could come and go as they damn well please in the house I live inn as would be their legal right, would hugely piss me off. You are already somewhat financially vulnerable, don't make yourself more so by selling your flat.

OP this really isn’t a good deal for you and doesn’t have your children’s best interests at heart (or yours!). Of course your husband thinks it’s a good deal for you, he gets to live in a nice area mortgage free with you doing the bulk of the childcare/childrearing. I wouldn’t agree to this and it seems like your gut instinct is telling you what you need to hear.

Thank you @Pookie2022 you’re right. My gut instinct was literally screaming at me last night - I didn’t sleep a wink. I ended up doing a lot of research and realising just how vulnerable this situation would leave me.

I actually don’t think my husband has really understood all the implications for me as when I pointed some out today he seemed mortified (particularly that I wouldn’t inherit the house in the case of his death). I feel more concerned that his parents (who I’m sure do understand the implications for me) are pushing for this.

This. I'd say no.

Haven't read all the replies but I'm going to assume they're all cautioning against accepting this.

I am a family lawyer. Go for it.

They don't have to gift the money to your husband. It's not as if you have any control over the terms of the gift. They are asking for a deed of trust. On divorce that will mean very little, but you would have more to go after if you accept the gift compared to you rejecting it. A divorce judge won't be bothered with whose name it's in. The main relevant factor will be that it came from husband's side of the family, and that won't change whether the gift comes with conditions or not.

This is really interesting @Collaborate. I understood from researching online that Tenancy in Common was legally binding regardless of marriage status? Are you saying that’s incorrect? If it’s not worth anything, do you have any idea why would his family be pushing for it?

Cost your childcare charge him nanny rates.
Keep your flat. Whatever you do keep your flat .

Don't do this.
Dont move where they say. Unless you keep your flat.

What was the set up in his parents' marriage when he was growing up? Did both of them work? I ask because I wonder if they think their son is paying for you to "sit at home all day", i.e. as nice as they seem they don't value you as the mother of their grandchildren looking after those children or don't feel you brought as much to the relationship. It seems really off to me to offer gifts with strings in this way.

Get legal advice. Then sit down with DH and tell him going forward he must pay more towards childcare whether that be to you and you can invoice him for his half of care or to a nursery and you go back to work full time. Being self employed is not good in your situation as it means you just accept less work and do all childcare unpaid. Look for permanent employment before having a second DC. Also I'd be telling DH you want to refuse his parents money and it will make you feel second class in your own marriage. I'd refuse to sell my own flat or sign up becoming second class. If your DH loves you he would not allow this to happen.

If in doubt, ask ‘the legal queen’ on instagram. She seems to provide succinct advice and guidance.

https://www.instagram.com/thelegalqueen?igsh=aWswejFiOWcweHU=

This makes sense with regards to their current gift perhaps but the sale of his flat albeit with their help is historic and as the OPs earnings and career trajectory has been curtailed by birthing and raising his dc there needs to be more input from him to make things fair.

Or he can pay the OP for her child bearing/raising services but how fucking weird would that be

The tenants in common declaration would affect the situation if one of you had creditors and were made bankrupt, for example, but on divorce it will make little difference. You've ultimately received will intentioned but utterly wrong and potentially damaging advice on this thread.

It is not unreasonable for parents gifting to their children to want that protected in the event of a divorce.