In debt by a huge amount....how do I get out of this hole..?

[mrsdebt]

For various reasons dh & I are in a huge amount of debt..

Think of a number, treble it, add 10 and you are probably still nowhere near it...

DH is on a very good salary BUT following ds's birth last year (he was v ill) dh didn't work foe 7 months and as he is self employed he received no income.

We had some money saved but this I now know soon run out and dh wanted to sheild me from the true debt figure due to me only just giving birth along with having ds very sick in hospital.

DH is making himself ill, talks of self harm, suicide stories and i am concerned...
Following OTT behaviour its come to light what is on is mind.MONEY.

Today I agreed with dh that if he focussed on his wrk (his current contract emds in 4 weeks time which is adding to stress.) then I will sort the finances. Today I found out the true figure...

I had done a further advance and added the bulk to the mortgage and the mortgage company want my parents to write a letter saying they are paying off he remained amount (complicated....but this letter will just be a letter iykwim and m&d won't actually be paying anything..) and the smaller amount left I will look to out onto 1/2 credit cards on lower interest..

Im devastated, I know we got into this mess BUT at the time life was hard due to ds and all that mattered was him recovering. Work/bills were the least of our worries...till now..

We have a good credit rating and have never missed/defualted on a payment so I guess that helps but can anyone advise me further.

Im a regular mner btw but wanted to keep this annonomous (sp.) Im worried about dh, I am arranging for him to see a councellor next week and he has seen the gp today for various things. He's ill... I just want to know we will get through this...

You could halve your shopping and do ironing but won't!Why not?Get a job in a pub/restaurant in teh evenings.Tips adn free food!

excess not excessive

ie withdrawing money from a cash machine..end up spending it all.. instead of switching the payment.

Eating out at lunch time etc..

We do need both cars,dh works about 1.5 hours from home and I have lo's that we attend baby groups, swimming lessons etc..

Dh and I managed for a few years by working opposite hours. Is this possible? Dh would work nights whilst I worked days. No childcare costs and 2 full wages coming in.

We just cut down to one car now as can't afford to run two. It is doable but you have to be prepared to make sacrifices. Are things like paying for swimming lessons a must?

NH, honestly to commit myself to a job would be hard. DH is the main earner and his job comes first. I would be unreliable as his hours can change at the drop of a hat.

Im never said, I wouldn't cut shopping bills..just don't know how...
And ironing...sorry but im shit at ironing..how can I do other peoples and charge them..?!

Working from home typing would be good..how do I find out whats around.?

could you go 2nd hand washable nappies??? It does save a huge amount of nappies and a 2 part fitted system are more reliable on the explosion front than disposables. At £120 your food bill could be trimmed, we pay £22 per month for phone & internet and £5 per month each on pay as you go for our mobiles - anywhere you can cut down on those costs? What about activities do you do any expensive music or gym classes? Could you get rid of a car, we walk as much as possible because of fuel costs etc.

We knew we couldnt manage to pay child care costs for 2 children so dh left a job he enjoyed to work nights. If things are that serious there does sometimes have to be major life changes.

well swimming and the baby/toddler groups I have suggested stopping for the short term...Mum has offer to pay to keep the lo's in them..

HONESTLY me working out of the home is NOT an option..!!!!!
Put it this way, dh range me at 4pm yesterday to say his works wanted him to travel south to oversee a job today...

Does he earn far more than the two of you could together doing something else?

moneysavingexpert is good at how to eat cheaply expensive - swimming classes - these are a luxury, are their toddler groups you can get to by other means?

Make your dh packed lunches it saves loads of money.

I think you need to consider that if you don't sort out your finances you could lose your home so yes some of these suggestions sound harsh but it is a stark reality you could face.

Mrs Debt - in the nicest way possible - it seems to me that neither you nor DH really want to change and get on top of this.

Swimming and groups for babies and £120 shopping bills and a second car are all luxuries that you can't afford any longer. Nor is not working if you are capable of doing so.

You can stick your head in teh sand, but the fact is that you are living a lifestyle that you cannot afford - and indeed haven't been able to afford for quite some time.

If you continue along this path - living the life you want to lead, rather than the one you can afford, then you will very likely end up without a roof over your head.

I think you both need to take some reality pills - as uncomfortable as that might seem

If your dh is talking of suicide then I really do think some life changes are in order even if that means you have to work ouside the home and he does something else.

hercules, if dh left this job and got a permenant contract someone (he's self emp) believe me, we would be in an even worse position. His wage would half....
He doesn't do this job for love...its the income.!

Hmm..guess I need to sit down with dh tonight and discuss this with him further...
Thanks for the suggestions so far. If anyone can give me a link on office work from home I would be grateful.

If you are keeping the car for those sort of classes then ditch it, your Mum isn't helping you out if it means you keep your car - have you looked at how much per month they cost in tax, insurance & minimal servicing & fuel - probably £200 per month plus your lease agreement.

I hate to break this to you, mrsd, but if you really want to get out of this hole and still keep your house it's going to hurt.

Some big sacrifices will have to be made, on both your parts.

You and he need to sit down and have a VERY frank discussion about how you can and will cut back.

Or risk your house.

Increasing your mortgage is NOT getting out of the hole at all, it's just transferring it and, quite frankly, digging deeper if the value of your home drops and/or your spouse's income drops.

Sorry, yes I realised I'd used the wrong word.

Dh will have to have a packed lunch from mow on, and as hercules suggest swimming lessons can be dropped for now.

Would dh be willing to give you his card and let you to give him a set amount each week?

Is there any work you could do from home?

But perhaps the pressure would half too if you were both working?

"I have also told dh that he needs to make changes with regards to excess spending iykiwm.. " "Thing with dh atm is that he doesn't care about anything and has even said he not his usual self in trying to find solutions. He says he's looked at website advised here and we are interested in sorting it our ourselves with the credit companies.."

Sorry but he needs to take more responsibility for his part in this imho , even though circumstances may have conspired against him and he may be unwell, which in itslef could mean your income is less than reliable in the short term making your plans sound even more risky.

The bank are clearly being cautious about your being overstretched and it would be as well to take heed of that. They will have no sympathy should things not turn out as optimistically as you would like to believe and especially if they find out you have deceived them by not paying off all the debt. Unfortunately they are not charities so won't lend simply according to your "need" and in the current climate are not likely to take any unnecessary risks without protecting themselves along the way.

You both need to face up to the extent of your problems and look at ways to boost income and cut expediture. Lease cars are not cheap, could you forgo one, buy something smaller/cheaper ? Perhaps he has to look for a salaried job to give your finances a kick start. Have you seriously looked into working, even part time as you'd probably get help with childcare costs or is it hearsay and his pride stopping you ? tbh only compromises will make a difference. Can you see CAB etc asap together ?

I agree with soapbox.

This is going to take being more creative and resourceful.

If your mum is willing to help out with money for classes would she babysit so you could work?

soapbox, Hang on a minute...
"it seems to me that neither you nor DH really want to change and get on top of this."

When you have gone from years of never having a care when money was concerned to suddenly realising in the last 24 hours that you have £X amount of debt its a shock to the system and does take time to get your head around..To know that what you are used to whon't be the case for quite a while...

Im not disagreeing to any of the suggestions but am taking them on board and will discuss them with dh..

This happens to so many people, mrsd, and it's lucky it wasn't something totally drastic where you literally had to change overnight or be homeless, like redundancy or the like.

People have had some really good suggestions here, this is MN at its finest.

And it's all good fodder for the talk you two need to have about what to do about the situation.

I wondered if your mum would help out with childcare too, even if you work 2 evenings per week somewhere (so sometimes it would be dh babysitting anywhere) that is perhaps £5k per year tax free.

Our only car when we had 3 children was a fiat seicento, very economical to run, cheap to buy etc etc

Would your mum be able to loan you a car when you needed it? Does your DH go abroad/away and leave his car behind?

Here you go - this is from jobs4mothers - would this kind of thing be any good?

job offer posted on 28/04/2008
company name Taaj Ltd
job offer type administration / secretarial / support
type of work part-time
location Home based London
transferable skills required
planning and organising
Additional comments Excellent part time opportunity. Approximately 20 hours per month. Flexible hours. £15 - £20 /hr. The individual will work from home and needs to have their own computer with Excel and a broadband connection. The work involves updating project and consultant bill out and pay out information for the accounting and management information system of a consulting company which is run on an Excel model. No accounting knowledge is required, but the individual must be very reliable, accurate and detail oriented. A high level of numeracy and a good working knowledge of Excel are also required.

'to suddenly realising in the last 24 hours that you have £X amount of debt its a shock to the system and does take time to get your head around..'

Was it sudden, though?

That can happen.

For example, some people here get a letter through their mailslot from the IR saying they've been overpaid on WTC by thousands.

Now that's a HUGE shock, and there isn't much time to get your head round it because they want the money immediately.

But no matter what, these situations are sink or swim, really.

Plenty of us have been there and are offering good suggestions.