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Original poster

Exes financial situation causing issues.

27 replies

Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 08:38

I’ve recently split with my partner (not married) of 15 years. We have 3 DCs together and still live together at the moment. In the new year I am going to get him off the mortgage and deeds. He has agreed to this because he put nothing into the house (I used my inheritance) he has also not paid half the mortgage throughout the years. He’s happy to walk away with no money from the house, as I will be living here with the kids. I don’t see why I should give him anything because over the years I have practically paid for everything - holidays, most of Christmas and birthday presents every year, uniform, kids activities etc etc.

It’s not the only reason we split (he cheated) but it’s probably up there with one of the main reasons. I didn’t want to try and work things out as I have been unhappy for many years. Basically he works full-time from home and earns about £1100 a month. I have a job in the public sector which I have been in for 21 years, and come away with approx £2400 a month. I pay a lot into a pension. My ex has no pension for the future, no savings and lives hand to mouth each month. To be fair to him, he buys the food shopping and gives me an amount each month but this doesn’t cover even a 1/4 of the bills. His elderly parents recently had to get a loan out to buy him a used car. He doesn’t see any of this as an issue. He’s not frivolous with money, he doesn’t buy a lot or go out much. He’s just a very low earner and at 48, it’s not going to get any better.

Because of his financial situation, the future looks bleak for him. I’m worrying not about him and his future rather than my own. The only option he has when he moves out of the family home in the new year is to move in with his elderly parents. They have a small 3 bedroom home nearby. He hasn’t told them about the split yet but I doubt they will want 3 children (7,7,10) regularly staying over - plus there isn’t the room. I feel trapped in this situation and that I am never going to be able to move on because of his shit financial situation.

Has anyone been through anything similar or have any advice?

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 22/12/2024 08:44

He can't be working full time in the U.K. on that wage because it's below minimum wage for an adult over 21. £1700 would be 37.5 hours per week. He needs to get a full time job to support himself

xyzandabc · 22/12/2024 08:52

Is he self employed? Or having debt/tax repayments taken directly from his wages?

As 37hrs a week at minimum wage should be bringing home around £1600 a month. He needs to find a better job paying minimum wage, ideally more than that.

Mickey79 · 22/12/2024 08:57

It sounds like your stbexh will need to get a different job. As a pp said , £1100 per month isn’t full time. I’m surprised that he is happy to walk away with nothing from the family home- do you currently own it 50/50? You have been the higher earner and when you have shared children, it is normal for the higher earner to pay more of the family expenses. If his financial situation is of concern, why is he not getting any equity from the house- perhaps minus the inheritance that you used.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 22/12/2024 09:10

He is not your problem to fix.

Winter2020 · 22/12/2024 09:13

I think if he has agreed to move out and split up then you just have to let him get on with it.

You are unlikely to be able to influence his job and income when you are apart when it was something you couldn't achieve when you were together.

Sorting out somewhere to live is his issue.
It is possible that he won't choose to have the children overnight - it's possible that he won't step up at all - you could ask him what his plans are or you could wait and see.

We spend around £800 each month on shopping so with a wage of £1100 there wouldn't be much change to give to you towards bills.

westisbest1982 · 22/12/2024 09:27

I don’t understand what the problem is here. Financially he doesn’t earn much so hasn’t been giving you much, so you won’t be significantly badly affected in that respect. Let him worry about himself. What job does he do?

Like a PP, I am really surprised he’s prepared to have his name taken off the deeds and the mortgage…or is this your assumption?

Original poster
Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:47

Well, I have put the deposit into both houses that we have lived in. He’s never contributed to the houses nor paid equally. We aren’t married, so why should he get money from the house. When he gets his inheritance we won’t be together, so I won’t benefit from this. Plus I will be living there with our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:50

xyzandabc · 22/12/2024 08:52

Is he self employed? Or having debt/tax repayments taken directly from his wages?

As 37hrs a week at minimum wage should be bringing home around £1600 a month. He needs to find a better job paying minimum wage, ideally more than that.

I will ask him about this. We don’t and never had discussed finances as it’s such a sore point and causes arguments.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 22/12/2024 09:51

You can’t do both take him off the deeds (which he is on) and give him nothing and also feel trapped by that

you may not be married but if he is down on the deeds then he does own the house

Original poster
Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:53

westisbest1982 · 22/12/2024 09:27

I don’t understand what the problem is here. Financially he doesn’t earn much so hasn’t been giving you much, so you won’t be significantly badly affected in that respect. Let him worry about himself. What job does he do?

Like a PP, I am really surprised he’s prepared to have his name taken off the deeds and the mortgage…or is this your assumption?

He works for a charity. He’s agreed to the house stuff as he knows he has not contributed. If we had equally put money in and he paid half the mortgage then it would be a different story. The equity in the house is my inheritance. I don’t think I should share this with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:54

Tiswa · 22/12/2024 09:51

You can’t do both take him off the deeds (which he is on) and give him nothing and also feel trapped by that

you may not be married but if he is down on the deeds then he does own the house

If you were in that situation would you let someone who has never contributed walk away into the sunset with your inheritance. I doubt it! Not my fault he has never planned for his future or become financially stable.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 22/12/2024 09:59

Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:47

Well, I have put the deposit into both houses that we have lived in. He’s never contributed to the houses nor paid equally. We aren’t married, so why should he get money from the house. When he gets his inheritance we won’t be together, so I won’t benefit from this. Plus I will be living there with our children.

Morally you are right but the Legal situation may be different.
I hope either you have checked or that he hasn't

MauveVelcro · 22/12/2024 10:01

would you let someone who has never contributed walk away into the sunset with your inheritance

Let him? He's on the deeds, you're not in a position to 'let him' do anything.

I'd be very accommodating whilst all this was going through and hope he doesn't either cop the hump over something or have someone in his life who recommends he gets legal advice.

I'd also be thinking of my back up plan, should either of those things happen and the house needing to be sold.

Soontobe60 · 22/12/2024 10:10

Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:53

He works for a charity. He’s agreed to the house stuff as he knows he has not contributed. If we had equally put money in and he paid half the mortgage then it would be a different story. The equity in the house is my inheritance. I don’t think I should share this with him.

Show quote history

Whether he should or shouldn't isn’t the point. If his name is on the deeds, then he is joint owner. Is the house owned as joint tenants or tenants in common?
You say he hasn’t contributed, but then say he has paid for food and some bills. So he has contributed. How much childcare has he done? If you have saved on childcare as he’s at home then that’s another contribution in kind.
If the roles were reversed, then everyone would be advising him that he should fight for his legal share of any equity in the house. Just taking his name off the deeds without any financial recompense is exerting financial control.

Soontobe60 · 22/12/2024 10:11

Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:54

If you were in that situation would you let someone who has never contributed walk away into the sunset with your inheritance. I doubt it! Not my fault he has never planned for his future or become financially stable.

Show quote history

You have accepted this for 10+ years and was more than happy to buy a property jointly with him.

Mickey79 · 22/12/2024 10:11

Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:54

If you were in that situation would you let someone who has never contributed walk away into the sunset with your inheritance. I doubt it! Not my fault he has never planned for his future or become financially stable.

Show quote history

I would ask for the equity to be split minus the inheritance I had used. But would accept that if owned 50/50 , it wouldn’t be a legal right. I paid the deposit for our first house and over the years there have been periods where I have paid all the mortgage/ bills etc and I have certainly put more money ‘in’ overall. But I don’t feel like the house is mine because of that. It’s our family home, we have shared children. It’s half his even though ive paid more. I’d feel differently if we had no children but I would have done things differently in that situation.

Tiswa · 22/12/2024 10:11

Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:54

If you were in that situation would you let someone who has never contributed walk away into the sunset with your inheritance. I doubt it! Not my fault he has never planned for his future or become financially stable.

Show quote history

Then what is your actual issue that is my question

sewingstockings · 22/12/2024 10:16

I think as soon as he sees a solicitor he will be told he can get half the house value. He will then decide he can have money to use.
unfair or not.

RestYeMerryGentlewomen · 22/12/2024 10:18

He is not your problem future wise. However though he has agreed he could easily change his mind regarding the house, get legal advice.

Tiswa · 22/12/2024 10:28

Did you ring fence the inheritance at the time or just buy as joint tenants because if it is the latter he could have a claim

i am finding it difficult to unpick exactly what you are asking or finding difficult

as a previous poster said get the house valued take out the inheritance and pay 50% of whatever equity is left for him to leave and then take him off the deeds

Lifestooshort71 · 22/12/2024 10:30

I agree about legal advice - if he's on the deeds then he has a claim on the house. Morally it may be wrong but, with hindsight, not a smart move on your part if he's always been 'a financial loser'. Anyway, apart from that, not your worry where and how he lives - being a financial loser obviously suits him as he's made certain choices throughout his life. As to seeing his children if he lives at his parents....either a daytime thing or perhaps stay at yours overnight? You're still sharing now even though separated so that might work. I've been with a financial loser for 25 yrs (no children, 2nd relationship for both) and my money is tied up tighter than a duck's arse if we should part or I predecease him. Please get legal advice before he does.

recyclingisaPITA · 22/12/2024 10:34

Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:47

Well, I have put the deposit into both houses that we have lived in. He’s never contributed to the houses nor paid equally. We aren’t married, so why should he get money from the house. When he gets his inheritance we won’t be together, so I won’t benefit from this. Plus I will be living there with our children.

Because his name is on the deeds so legally he's entitled to it. Given his financial circumstances you'll be lucky if he volunteers to walk away with nothing, I can see him changing his mind. Are you joint tenants or tenants in common (or whatever the modern day equivalent is called, if it's changed)? Is it recorded that he owns a certain percentage? Did you legally ring-fence your deposit when you bought it? Otherwise the house equity is potentially 50% his, regardless of who paid what.

I'd keep quiet about what his plans for DC are for now. You don't want him thinking about that if you want him to sign his half of the house over to you for free. I'd make that the priority over him moving out. He's not even going to meet the financial criteria for a one bed rental in many areas of the UK. Once he faces the reality of living with parents and the fact he's up a creek without a paddle financially, the novelty will soon wear off and I think you may find his generosity suddenly disappears a few weeks down the line. If there's enough equity in the house for him to put a deposit on a flat to purchase with his share, that's going to start looking like the best option for him and is possibly the only option for him to live independently, mortgages often being cheaper than rent.

DreadPirateRobots · 22/12/2024 10:41

The deeds are a legal document. You will need a solicitor involved and consent from your lender if there's a mortgage. And if he decides to be at all difficult he can insist you buy him out and give him a chunk of equity. I also wouldn't be surprised if his generosity vapourises when he starts looking down the barrel of a financial life without you.

Tread carefully.

recyclingisaPITA · 22/12/2024 10:42

Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:54

If you were in that situation would you let someone who has never contributed walk away into the sunset with your inheritance. I doubt it! Not my fault he has never planned for his future or become financially stable.

Show quote history

You've already let him. It happened the day you signed up for a joint mortgage and joint house ownership, putting your inheritance down as the deposit. You should have bought the house solely in your name, as well as remaining unmarried, if you wanted sole ownership of it and for him to walk away with nothing if you split. Too late now. Your mistake.

recyclingisaPITA · 22/12/2024 10:53

Bambi1980 · 22/12/2024 09:50

I will ask him about this. We don’t and never had discussed finances as it’s such a sore point and causes arguments.

Show quote history

Don't ask him about this. You have split up and it's none of your business. The last thing you want is a row right now. Just mention, as a friend and after the house ownership is transferred solely to you, that minimum wage for X hours would be Y amount. Also that he can try putting in a claim for UC which could help with housing rental costs. Although if he's voluntarily given you tens of thousands of pounds of what is currently his house equity, that would be seen as deprivation of assets from a benefits perspective, meaning he possibly has no eligibility for a claim, because if you give something away the DWP treat you as if you still have it.