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Original poster

Do I keep brothers debt a secret?

32 replies

tinselbella · 02/12/2024 16:21

Hi,

mum passed away fairly recently and my brother and I have been dealing with her financial affairs.

I recently found out that she had lent my brother £22k a couple of years ago as he was in a financial mess. She updated her will to reflect this, reducing his share of any inheritance by the amount that he borrowed from her. No issue at all with that - I don't think it's my business and I am pleased that mum was able to help him.

My issue is that he really doesn't want anyone else to know about this loan. He's embarrassed and really doesn't want my dh to know that he had to borrow from mum. The problem is that I am going to receive 22K more than him due to the loan. Is it reasonable of him to ask me to keep this from my dh and other family members?

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/12/2024 16:23

Wills are public so he won't keel a secret for long. He had an advance on his inheritance so not particularly embarrassing.

Bs0u416d · 02/12/2024 16:24

I think it is reasonable of him to ask you to keep his secret from the wider family. I think it is more unreasonable to expect you to keep this from your DH. I think whether you do or not is totally down to you but I think if you can be sensitive to your brothers wishes, that would be kind.

MarmaladeSideDown · 02/12/2024 16:25

Why would anyone else find out unless either of you tell them? It is none of their business.

It is quite straightforward. If anyone asks, you simply say that he received a proportion of his inheritance some years ago, and that is reflected in the sums you are each receiving now, as per the will. Job done.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/12/2024 16:25

The problem is that I am going to receive 22K more than him due to the loan.

Why on earth would you be telling anyone what your brother has inherited??

If you must tell anyone anything, say you’ve got an inheritance of x (I wouldn’t tell anyone other than my DH how much it was) and you don’t tell anyone what your brother has got-that’s absolutely nothing to do with you.

MarmaladeSideDown · 02/12/2024 16:27

LIZS · 02/12/2024 16:23

Wills are public so he won't keel a secret for long. He had an advance on his inheritance so not particularly embarrassing.

The will is unlikely to say "I loaned you some money to get you out of a financial mess".

Sidebeforeself · 02/12/2024 16:28

Why do you need to tell anybody anything?

Bromptotoo · 02/12/2024 16:29

LIZS · 02/12/2024 16:23

Wills are public so he won't keel a secret for long. He had an advance on his inheritance so not particularly embarrassing.

Pretty much that he had an advance. The whys/wherefores don't matter.

But assuming you tell your DH how many £k you got how would he know your brother got less?

My sister and I inherited a significant sum on the death of an aunt by marriage. Our mother was very angry that we refused to tell her how much - a chunk of it was from Mum's brother who had been the aunt's first husband and she inherited when she was widowed,

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 02/12/2024 16:30

Don't tell people the figures.
Who's going to be wanting to know the figures anyway? Just talk about getting half each.

Our mum gave us half each.

Who will be comparing your bank accounts?

GranPepper · 02/12/2024 16:40

tinselbella · 02/12/2024 16:21

Hi,

mum passed away fairly recently and my brother and I have been dealing with her financial affairs.

I recently found out that she had lent my brother £22k a couple of years ago as he was in a financial mess. She updated her will to reflect this, reducing his share of any inheritance by the amount that he borrowed from her. No issue at all with that - I don't think it's my business and I am pleased that mum was able to help him.

My issue is that he really doesn't want anyone else to know about this loan. He's embarrassed and really doesn't want my dh to know that he had to borrow from mum. The problem is that I am going to receive 22K more than him due to the loan. Is it reasonable of him to ask me to keep this from my dh and other family members?

It's a bit bizarre to expect you to keep secrets from your DH. You know your family and I don't though. Was it only your DM that your DB borrowed money from, do you know?

TheGreatNorth · 02/12/2024 16:43

Is he aware that IHT may be payable on that if it's less than 7 year since she died? If the estate is subject to IHT of course.

Whyherewego · 02/12/2024 16:47

Why does your DH need to know how much your Dbro got? Just tell him how much you're getting ! Simples

cstaff · 02/12/2024 16:56

The only people entitled to know the details of a will are the beneficiaries. They do become public eventually but is your husband likely to look that up and why is it any of his business. All you need to say is I inherited 100K from mum and just dont mention your brother. Let him presume whatever he wants.

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2024 17:02

When I sell my Mums house DH will see how much ends up being deposited in our bank account. I will tell him what offers we get etc etc but I don't have to

uptheculdesac · 02/12/2024 17:05

Bs0u416d · 02/12/2024 16:24

I think it is reasonable of him to ask you to keep his secret from the wider family. I think it is more unreasonable to expect you to keep this from your DH. I think whether you do or not is totally down to you but I think if you can be sensitive to your brothers wishes, that would be kind.

Why is what the brother gets anything to do with dh? It's none of anyone else's business

nomoretreats · 02/12/2024 17:06

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2024 17:02

When I sell my Mums house DH will see how much ends up being deposited in our bank account. I will tell him what offers we get etc etc but I don't have to

But that doesn't mean OP husband will know what went into her brother's account. Unless Op tells him.

WickedlyCharmed · 02/12/2024 17:10

It doesn’t really matter if you tell your DH, unless your DH is a shitstirrer who will deliberately tell your brother that he knows about it.

If you know your DH will be discreet then just make agreeable noises to your brother about keeping it quiet, and tell your DH about it, if for some reason it comes up in conversation.

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2024 17:13

nomoretreats · 02/12/2024 17:06

But that doesn't mean OP husband will know what went into her brother's account. Unless Op tells him.

Show quote history

That is exactly what I mean. I could give my brother/he could give me a larger share and unless I told DH he wouldn't know.
I actually would tell him but my point is OP CAN keep her brothers debt a secret if she chooses to

nomoretreats · 02/12/2024 17:36

@Hoppinggreen - got you. No need for it to even be something to relay unless OP has already told her husband and her brother's debt.

InSpainTheRain · 02/12/2024 17:43

People can find out as wills are publicly accessible documents. However, unless they go to the bother of accessing it how would they know? There is no reason to discuss amounts with other family members, and as for your DH surely he will just know you got X. Doesn't need to know what anyone else got.

Noras · 02/12/2024 17:45

You have to report the life time gift to the Inland Revenue as part of the estate if the transaction occurred within 7 years of death.

westisbest1982 · 02/12/2024 17:52

I think it’s best for these things to be out in the open - it’s healthier and what if your husband found out you didn’t tell him? Also you’re going to have HMRC on your case soon - do you think you can successfully keep that secret too? And has your brother got the spare funds for the IHT?

GranPepper · 02/12/2024 17:58

InSpainTheRain · 02/12/2024 17:43

People can find out as wills are publicly accessible documents. However, unless they go to the bother of accessing it how would they know? There is no reason to discuss amounts with other family members, and as for your DH surely he will just know you got X. Doesn't need to know what anyone else got.

I do get your point and we don't know the family dynamics. Only OP does. All I can do is say what I'd do. Would I agree with DB's request to deliberately keep a secret about money from the man I married? No, I wouldn't tbh. It's a pity the DB asked OP to do so as that's getting between a married couple. I think (although I can't be sure) there's maybe more to the DB financial situation than he's disclosing. OP, do what you think is right. Your gut feeling might be useful in deciding what to do. Good luck

Cerialkiller · 02/12/2024 18:11

How big is the estate? I get that if it's relatively small, getting 20k more might raise an eyebrow. but if it's substantial (over 100-200k) then you ending up with a bit more won't really be comment worthy.

I don't think you should lie. But unless DH has been very involved and understands inheritance tax or dp status regarding pension, life insurance, savings, investments etc I assume any talk about what you are inheriting has been best estimates?

Jingleballs2 · 02/12/2024 18:27

I mean you don't need to mention anything.. but I would tell my husband 🫣

Spirallingdownwards · 02/12/2024 18:31

Surely you just say to DH my share was £122k (eg) but you don't need to say to DH Bros share was £100k.