Feel like we’re the only ones. Very lonely/scary

[Sickamore]

Morning,

so I’ve had another rubbish night sleep worrying about our debts. We are in the process of trying to sort out an absolutely mountain of debt that we’ve racked up over the last decade. Some of it has been racked up due to things that were to unforeseen, however, some of it is also down, to us not communicating with each other properly and generally making poor financial decisions

The thing that I am most embarrassed about is that we are a professional couple with good jobs. People probably look at us and think that we are doing okay, however the real reality is so so different.

It’s all came to a head about a year ago when I discovered the extent of our debt.

I had stupidly delegated all of the financial stuff to my husband and had left him to get on with it. He had tried his best, however, he had this false sense of needing to protect me from reality and that meant that we didn’t attack the death as aggressively as we should have.

apart from the two of us, nobody in the real world knows how much we owe. We have told some family members and very close friends that we are cutting back but the reality is that on top of our mortgage we have 80 K worth of debt. this is spread across credit cards loans and overdrafts etc. I also owe my mum 12 K however she has told me that this can be put on the back burner for the time being as it’s not money that she needs back urgently. It is still a priority for me though.

When husband was managing the money, he dropped a few balls and made some late payments, this means that we struggle to get 0% deals at the moment and therefore we are paying quite a lot of interest on some of the debts.

Thankfully, we have a good income. My husband is a head teacher and I work in a senior role in the local authority. Our joint gross income is around 118 K. Thank God we have a decent income otherwise they would be totally Insurmountable

Since discovering how much we owed, I have taken charge of our finances. I still expect husband to be involved but I do the budget and work out what needs to be paid. At the moment I am following the snowball method where I am throwing the majority of the money at our highest interest debts. Once this is paid, I will move onto the next one. Everything else is paid at the minimum level during this process. This seems to be working for us at the moment and it is nice to see some of the balances going down.

The thing that I really struggle with is that we are a couple who earn well, in our 40s. We shouldn’t be in this position and when I look around everybody else seems to have made far better choices. I know that money and personal finance is somewhat of a taboo topic, and therefore none of us really know what’s going on in other peoples lives. on my worst days I just feel as though we are the only ones dealing with such a ridiculous level of debt. I know that comparing ourselves to others is pointless, but is anybody else dealing with similar circumstances to us? He feels so lonely at the moment.

There's no reason to feel shame. Lots of us have been where you are. Look at how you got here and make sure to use this experience to strengthen your marriage. Your husband must have felt really burdened by his responsibility with the finances. Don't just flip it so you are now responsible and carry the burden alone instead. Take this on as a team. Set aside time each week or month to have a pleasant conversation about upcoming spends/budget and go over the progress made on the debt. This should ensure you stay aligned and focused on the goal(s). You should try to be strict in the beginning to build new habits. I was super strict and frugal at the beginning of my debt free journey. I'm glad I did that as I got out of bad habits such as picking up food/coffee/drinks on the go. Once new habits have formed you can add a treat category to liven life up a little. Depending on what got you to overspend this may be essential to keep you both on course. I also echo finding inspiration on the Debt Freewannabe part of the Moneysavingexpert forum. I also liked the frugal chats on Oldstyle. I also recommend Ramit Sethi. He has a youtube channel and a podcast as well as several books under the I will teach you to be rich brand. You will get out this debt through hard work and you can stay out of debt in future if you get to the core of the overspending and make some lasting changes in your life.

I know. I’m ashamed of borrowing from her but it was my only option. Thankfully she’s super supportive.

If you provide details of your finances (income, fixed outgoings, debt repayments, food shopping, discretionary spending, etc), people might be able to suggest where you can make cutbacks in order to reduce your debt more quickly.

Agree the first thing to do is look at your outgoings and what can be cut back on to pay debt off as quickly as possible

Echoing what others have said about MSE, if you look on there you would think everyone is massively in debt, many more than you. Plus it will probably help you motivation-wise to see the success stories.

Look forward not back, you can't change the past but the future is in your hands.

Please don't beat yourself up as I know lots of friends, from high earners to minimum wage people and the ones who are in loads of debt range across the spectrum. ALL of them got there via the head-in-the-sand approach.
I've been there too, and also got there by not thinking about it and not talking about it.
So now you are addressing it, make sure you keep talking. As a PP said, make sure you now don't fall into your husband's old role of carrying it all on your shoulders. Trying to protect one another by not talking is the surest way back to trouble.
You've made a plan and please try and take some self-esteem from that. Try not to give in to feeling guilty all the time; it's completely unproductive.

Also when making your plan don't feel like you must punish yourself by putting every penny to debt repayments. Obviously these are important and must have high priority - I'm not suggesting otherwise - but formal debt repayment plans with a credit charity will include an allowance for leisure expenditure. This recognises that you need to be able to continue living your life (at least the one I helped my friend with, did).

Well done for addressing the problem. The only way out is through, and you can do it

Don't forget to look at your subscriptions too. Sky, Netflix, Spotify, Audible, amazon prime, gym, magazines, clubs etc. You can jog and work out at home to youtube videos if you need to keep fit - the rest you just don't actually need

It has happened and you're dealing with it, which is great. It sounds also that your jobs are secure so that is a huge positive.

Is there anything large you can sell? Drop down to one car if you have two, perhaps?

I think you said you're on £118k between you so over £6,000 a month take home. Is your mortgage large? Hopefully not - would £2,000 cover mortgage and bills? If so, I'd be chucking in the remaining £4,000 a month to get the debt down asap. Maybe have the odd month off but I'd really tighten the belts for six months - porridge for breakfast, no eating out lunch or dinner etc.

Also, tandem to this I'd start selling off what you can that is in the house, and then depending on how much you get either use it for living a bit less restrictively or putting lump sums into the debt.

You can get rid of this debt much quicker than you think. Best of luck. Well done to everyone that has managed it. My debt was less than £20k and it was just me. It is a real sense of achievement when you get rid of it.

What is the debt though? What was there money spent on??

I'm a single mum in a horrible amount of debt because of a financially coercive ex. I've also had to go part-time due to my son's additional needs. I got into debt when I was on over £30k and am very much not on that now!
I know it's not the same circumstances but I'm from a very middle class background so people wouldn't expect me to have so little money and to owe so much.
I borrowed heavily from my parents who had to remortgage to help me out, so I do need to keep repaying that for them, but have also built up more credit card debt that I am mortified about. Basically just on making up the shortfall every month. I've ran out of 0% options too; which I'm currently sticking my head in the sand about 😫

One good point is that your debt isn’t crazy vs your income.
£80k when in £155k a year isn’t the same than if you were on £40k.

Then YY about re paying as much as you can, starting with stuff in the highest interest rate.
Also having a budget, talking to each other and a huge cost cutting session (and yes MSE is great). Check the cost of all utilities, phone etc… remove any stuff you dint use (eg the gym you go once every 3 months). Look at food, meal planning etc….

A PP asked what you spent that money in. It’s a fair question as it will give you an idea of where you spend too much or why.

Good luck!!

You definitely aren't the only one. My dh racked up a load of debt and kept it hidden from me. I bailed him out, then 2 years later he'd done it again (not to the same extent). I was worried he had a gambling problem or something but it wasn't that, he just had no idea of budgeting and was very generous with his (ie. OUR) money. After the second time he realised if he didn't change, i wasn't going to give him another chance and would leave. Since then, we've been through some financially challenging times due to redundancy, but we have managed to stay out of debt.

I just want to say once this is paid off you’ll have a whole new outlook on money and it won’t be a bad thing. I’m mid 40’s and have savings and a pension which I never thought possible.

In my early 20’s I ramped up over £25K of debt; nearly 50K with the interest and I had no other option than to take an IVA. Everyone couldn’t understand how I did it - stupidity and wanting to live a cocktail lifestyle on lemonade money was the main comments. Yes I had made stupid decisions but the rate it snowballed was out of control, I wasn’t living it up in designer shoes….I had got myself into such a mess and was charging £2 to a credit card because I had no money. I was trying desperately to pay off various cards, catalogues and loans. Thinking about it makes me feel sick so I really know how you feel.

BUT I got through it. I paid back my IVA and I have NEVER taken money for granted again. I have an overdraft and a credit card but a few hundred on each - so completely manageable.

You will get there - it’s a massive tiring boring slog but honestly the joy each month when another creditor is paid is worth bottling!

Going forward, I’m now married and each year we have a financial meeting where we note what we have coming over the coming year - big birthdays, holidays, big ticket stuff so we can budget accordingly. We also run over any debt we have, what we have in savings, pensions, etc. just everything and we promise each other no judgment. We just sort and plan - this helps us massively and maybe something that will work well with you in the future.

I wish you all the best!

PS Next year when you have fatigue with it all - do not book the holiday! I see my friends do it each year….and it just sets them back. The shift in mind set is probably the most difficult thing.

Almost like a diet and you want a cheat day. Girl. You’ve had a years of cheat days - this is why you’re here 😂 so no cheat days!

You've taken the first step, admitting you have a problem. I did that in 2007 and it was scary. In proportion to my income at the time I had a similar income to debt ratio to what you have. You can resolve this! As others have said check out this forum https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/debt-free-wannabe It changed my life and my approach to money. Post your statement of affairs and ask for advice. You need to know where your money is going and come up with a plan.

Pay more than minimums where you can, otherwise you are just servicing the interest not addressing the underlying balance.

If your balances are going down and your DH is on the same page as you then you’re doing really well. I’d echo the previous posters’ recommendation to use MSE’s Debt Free Wannabe board - they are ruthless and encouraging in equal measure, and you’ll find lots of people in a worse position than you, as well as lots who are nearly debt-free. At some point you’ll find yourself sharing advice and tips, and you’ll know you’ve completely changed your mindset.

You “shouldn’t” be here, of course, but you are, and the only value in looking back is to see whether there are any lessons to learn. Keep on going!

What is your house worth? How much equity do you have?

Can you sell it and start again on the property ladder lower down? Cheaper area?

This is what we did.

Listen, lots of people are in this position.

If you're lucky enough to be able to pay down the debt without a DMP or IVA, then do, because then you don't take the hit on your credit files.

I think the reality of interest rates going from 0.25% to 4.75% in a matter of weeks really screwed a lot of people, and that's before we even look at other external impacts that drove e.g. cost of heating through the roof.

All you can do now is your best to pay it all down as quickly as possible, it won't be long once you see that rolling along before you can start moving stuff around again onto 0% rates. Try and see it as a positive that you're taking ownership to move yourself forward rather than a negative that you've got here, because you can't change that.

Well done for taking control.

On the bright side, on that income, you should be able to clear it relatively quickly. Three years?

I'm a single mum, with teenager & mortgage, and my approach is simply to not spend anything, 5 days a week, that isn't absolutely essential. Food, ds' text books, washing powder, fuel to get home etc are essential. Coffees out, new clothes, expensive toiletries, branded groceries etc are not. At weekends, I relax slightly (but not much).

Grit your teeth and keep going. I hope your DH is cheering you on.

Also on the bright side, in those jobs you'll both be getting good pensions with significant lump sums. Lots of people your age will be putting lots of money into pension pots - so not "seeing" the benefits now. You'll get your jam in the future once retired.

You are definitely not alone! I was previously in a significant amount of debt and struggled for years until I paid it off. It is far more common than you would imagine. I know on the odd occasion I opened up to friends (after a few glasses of wine!) that a few had similar problems amd felt they were just shifting balances from one card to another.

Have you looked on the MSE website and forum? I found the forum great for days when I just wanted to give up. Keeping up the motivation, especially when you're trying to pay down the balances quickly is one of the hardest parts. I also used to listen to Dave Ramsey at times for the same reason (he is US based so I would go with the advice on MSE over anything he says).

I wanted to get out of debt ASAP so I could get on the property ladder and start saving/investing so I lived incredibly frugally. So no new clothes, all food was cheap and homemade, pack ups to work, no alcohol, no new clothes etc. And I also sold as much stuff as possible. The extra £5 or £10 here and there soon adds up.

You'll get there. Keep spreadsheeting and tracking everything. It's amazing at how quickly you can pay it off just by chipping away at it. And although it was a hard and difficult lesson it has made me very good with money.

I would go onto moneysavingexpert.com and join the Debt Free Wannabe forum. They'll support you on there from their own experiences. 😊

Tens of thousands will get eaten in solicitors' fees, surveys and stamp duty. Unless you can move into somewhere significantly cheaper it won't be worth it.

@TwelveKeys Now the rules have changed it would be less effective. Worked for us ten years ago and we’ve cleared the mortgage now and early retired. It gave us the breathing space we needed.

Both of you have DB pension schemes, judging from what you have mentioned. Paying off the debt might take some times, but at least it will not impact much on your pension compared to those who are on DC scheme (as long as you do not stop your contribution that is). So, it is not as bleak as you have mentioned it.

Life style creep is real and can easily happen to anyone. Perhaps until your debt is paid off, you could use only debit card to pay things so that you are always on top of things i.e., not spending money that you don't "currently" have and be more mindful of your spending. Also, please have a look at your monthly budget. I have monthly budget for food and "family fun" (eating out) and try to stick to this. If there is left over, I can then roll it on to the next month (very rarely).

Anyway, best of luck in tackling the debt. Looking at the number going down on spreadsheet might give you a more sense of accomplishment (if you like numbers 😏).