Appreciate this is a bit long but after some advice please.
Bit of background first….
14 year relationship
UNmarried
2 kids
Separate finances- OH earns 4 x more than me. He is well off and is very much “what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours”. I appreciate some people put into the same pot, but we will never be that couple. I found it strange at first, because my parents always shared everything, but it’s something I had to accept many years ago.
I live pretty much hand to mouth on my wages. However the advantages of me having a lower paid job is our childcare costs have been cheaper, because I can work flexibly.
OH solely owns the home we live in.
OH pays mortgage, house bills and his personal bills. I pay childcare, food, kids extra activities and my personal bills. I also drive most places (I have the bigger car- I pay for the diesel). He works longer hours/days and I work full time, but also do school runs, activities, cooking and cleaning. Holidays, kids clothes, toys, etc we split 50/50. I thought all that seemed more than fair, but he has always had the attitude that because I’m not physically transferring money to him each month, I somehow don’t contribute?! When i challenged this and put our wages and expenses into a calculator and it worked it out proportionate to our salaries, it actually showed I paid slightly too much. He wouldn’t accept that fact (eye roll).
It all came to a head in August when I said I was struggling so much on a low wage and interest rates increasing on my credit cards , that I put myself onto a debt management plan. I was really anxious about telling him, through fear of being judged, but I didn’t want any secrets between us. Since I’ve told him, he’s become more guarded with his own money and rather than slightly paying more towards something because he earns more, like he sometimes would, he just point blank refuses to pay at all.
I might add that in the 14 years together I’ve always worked, never asked him for money and paid as much as I can in everything we’ve done together. I haven’t asked him to bail me out, even though he could easily afford to, but instead I tried to improve the situation myself. (If I was after his money, I would have given up and left by now!)
FYI this is a man who is on 80k a year salary and has about that much in savings too! I have £400 in my bank until payday. I’m also not eligible for any benefits/tax credits…because of his earnings…
I can’t fully explain how he’s changed but I suddenly feel uncomfortable, on edge and like I’m burden to him. I’ve purposely been in a lower paid job due to childcare costs, which we agreed on. If I was in a higher paid job, childcare fees would skyrocket and I would be expected to pay it, which would then counteract the pay increase. Because we don’t share finances, all this has done is made him richer and me poorer.
I know many will probably read this and say end the relationship, but aside from not being financially compatible (at all), we do actually have a good relationship and life with our children. I’m not quite sure what advice I’m after, but I just wondered if anybody has been through similar and how you sorted things out without it turning really bitter.
Many thanks for reading xxxx