Financially incompatible….

[Mum2sons1234]

Appreciate this is a bit long but after some advice please.
Bit of background first….

14 year relationship
UNmarried
2 kids
Separate finances- OH earns 4 x more than me. He is well off and is very much “what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours”. I appreciate some people put into the same pot, but we will never be that couple. I found it strange at first, because my parents always shared everything, but it’s something I had to accept many years ago.

I live pretty much hand to mouth on my wages. However the advantages of me having a lower paid job is our childcare costs have been cheaper, because I can work flexibly.

OH solely owns the home we live in.

OH pays mortgage, house bills and his personal bills. I pay childcare, food, kids extra activities and my personal bills. I also drive most places (I have the bigger car- I pay for the diesel). He works longer hours/days and I work full time, but also do school runs, activities, cooking and cleaning. Holidays, kids clothes, toys, etc we split 50/50. I thought all that seemed more than fair, but he has always had the attitude that because I’m not physically transferring money to him each month, I somehow don’t contribute?! When i challenged this and put our wages and expenses into a calculator and it worked it out proportionate to our salaries, it actually showed I paid slightly too much. He wouldn’t accept that fact (eye roll).

It all came to a head in August when I said I was struggling so much on a low wage and interest rates increasing on my credit cards , that I put myself onto a debt management plan. I was really anxious about telling him, through fear of being judged, but I didn’t want any secrets between us. Since I’ve told him, he’s become more guarded with his own money and rather than slightly paying more towards something because he earns more, like he sometimes would, he just point blank refuses to pay at all.

I might add that in the 14 years together I’ve always worked, never asked him for money and paid as much as I can in everything we’ve done together. I haven’t asked him to bail me out, even though he could easily afford to, but instead I tried to improve the situation myself. (If I was after his money, I would have given up and left by now!)

FYI this is a man who is on 80k a year salary and has about that much in savings too! I have £400 in my bank until payday. I’m also not eligible for any benefits/tax credits…because of his earnings…

I can’t fully explain how he’s changed but I suddenly feel uncomfortable, on edge and like I’m burden to him. I’ve purposely been in a lower paid job due to childcare costs, which we agreed on. If I was in a higher paid job, childcare fees would skyrocket and I would be expected to pay it, which would then counteract the pay increase. Because we don’t share finances, all this has done is made him richer and me poorer.

I know many will probably read this and say end the relationship, but aside from not being financially compatible (at all), we do actually have a good relationship and life with our children. I’m not quite sure what advice I’m after, but I just wondered if anybody has been through similar and how you sorted things out without it turning really bitter.

Many thanks for reading xxxx

He has £80k savings and a house. You have £400 to last the month. You don't have a good relationship in the slightest. You are in a bad relationship with a financially abusive cunt who doesn't sound like he likes you, let alone loves you. That is why everyone will say LTB. LTB.

He is paying an asset off, you are paying for things that disappear. It sounds much worse than financial incompatibility to me, you are basically on the breadline if he kicks you out. If I were you I'd be looking into rights of common law wives. He doesn't value giving you security, it's not good.

If you aren’t on the deeds of the house.

What lead to you putting yourself in such a financially vulnerable position with a man who can boot you out tomorrow if he so wishes ?

You found being financially abused 'strange at first'?!? Genuinely - how can you not know that this man is abusive and a complete horror? What has happened to you that you don't even realise you have been and are being abused? It's outside of most peoples skill set to try to help someone who is being treated like shit and calls it 'a good relationship.'

There are NO common law wife rights. It’s not a thing.

That sucks for OP, I has hoping she would be able to get some of the house. Thanks for clarifying.

Are your parents still alive, OP? Do they like him?

There are no rights unless you're married.

"Common-law wives" are not a thing, in legal terms. The OP has no rights whatsoever, beyond potentially being able to claim child maintenance if she leaves and has custody of the children.

So many questions!

1. What was the agreement before your first pregnancy? What was the plan you set out for who would finance what?
2. You mention that you took a step back in your career to be more available for the kids. What was the agreement you and DP made about who would fund the shortfall?
3. You say that if you worked a higher paying job which required more childcare, that you would be funding it. Why? Are the children not 50% his?
4. Plug your own personal financials into a benefits calculator. He needs to understand that YOU ARE NOT GETTING THOSE BENEFITS AND IT IS A DIRECT RESULT OF HIS SALARY.
5. You are in debt. He is not. You cannot be going 50/50 on these family holidays with him. Your focus is responsibly getting out of debt. My DH earns over 6x my salary. He likes to go on 2-week summer holidays abroad, another holiday abroad in October, and on an annual ski trip—he pays for this, because if we did 50/50 holidays, we wouldn’t be continuing with the same calibre and frequency of holidays. Your DP has the same choice to make; forcing you to keep up with his holiday expectations by getting into debt is not an option.
6. Stop putting purchases on your credit card. When the monthly money’s gone, it’s gone. You shouldn’t have to “ask” for money like a child. Simply explain that your salary for the month is gone. Keep a spending tracker each month and show him where the money has gone if he asks, “Why are you already out of money this month?”Tell him that you are happy to sit down with him at the beginning of each month to work out your monthly spending plan.

Wow, I can only think he loves to be so totally in control and maybe loves to see you so vulnerable. not sure how much he loves you for you though. Could you muster the strength to leave?

It becomes a triple-whammy when they aren’t married and she has no claim to the house nor his pension, to make up for all of the years her career took a back seat to enable him to fly in his career.

You're right @CowTown, it is 😢.

Ugh. While you run around exhausting your physical, emotional and financial resources for your family - which includes him - he hoards his money, not giving a stuff if you're struggling because of the sacrifices you've made. He's no partner. He'll eventually, when he becomes vulnerable in other ways and you're hopefully long gone from his life and living your best one, find out what good his nasty selfish exploitative materialism has done him.

I could t read that post OP because from.the outset it screams of abuse financially and morally. You have children and together and have been a couplenin your eyes for 14 years. In his eyes he is single.
I can't believe he treats you like this, amd you accept it.
Please find yourself a flat and leave. Consult a lawyer and ask for maintenance for his children. You will get more support separated than together I imagine. What sad state of affairs that is.
Not a nice man.

I'm guessing a mixture of low-self esteem, misplaced trust, and a skewed sense of what represents a 'good' relationship. What's done is done though, all the OP can do now is salvage what she can and get away from this man.

I really really wish that there was some sort of education program given in schools about this stuff.

I see it here day in day out. Almost always women who end up screwed too.

Get out. Leave him. Leave his house. Demonstrate to your children that this is not something they should ever endure in their relationships. You know what your life will entail if you stay with him. Misery. You need to take a chance and see what your life could be without him.

Your post is so sad. So very sad.

To be honest I would be leaving, claiming CMS and any available benefits, insisting on 50/50 childcare (he can cover childcare costs for the time that the children are in his care) and focusing on improving my own financial security.

Your husband is a financial abuser. I know how you can end up in the situation as I've been there myself.

I left, and although it wasn't easy, I'm 1000 times happier and becoming more financially stable every week as a single mum... plus I've met someone who shares my financial values, so if we end up joining lives, I know I will continue to have financial security and peace of mind instead of living in a state of constant financial jeopardy and debt.

Ugh, I keep thinking about this and wondering if OP is still reading or has been frightened off. Hopefully it's not real.

He's repulsive.

Please get away from this selfish arsehole - he doesn't really care about you.

He's not a decent partner if he watches you and his children struggle for money while hoarding most of his.

You can only sort it out without it turning bitter if he realises he’s behaving appallingly. If he decided to leave you, you will have nothing. You are in such a vulnerable position.

You’re on a debt management plan to try and meet your ‘share’ of family expenses while he squirrels away thousands.

I’d honestly look at what it would cost you to leave him - what would rent be, would you be entitled to universal credit, child benefit, what could you get in maintenance (unless he went for 50/50 custody). Would you be better off? What would he say if you told him you had to move out with the children because you couldn’t afford to live with him any more and that obviously he’d have to be responsible for food, childcare and extra curricular activities on days the children stayed with him?

How would he react if you told him that you can no longer afford the extra curricular activities? Said you couldn’t do the driving for you all because you can’t afford the diesel?

This isn’t a loving healthy relationship, it’s really not. Having separate finances is fine, but you’ve sacrificed your earning potential to facilitate him increasing his. I’m the bigger earner in our household, but DH and I have pretty much the same disposable income after bills and savings. I just pay more into the pot.

Just reading that he owns the house alone brings me out in a cold sweat. You are in an extremely vulnerable position here op. He’s awful, how on earth can he life with himself but sorry to say op, he’s only doing it because you’ve allowed him to. Even if everything else was perfect & he helped 50/50, I would leave.

It actually gives me the rage that this sort of situation can be innocently described by people as "financial incompatibility" instead of the rather obvious financial abuse that it is.

In part I blame the therapy world, which has a tendency to describe everything in terms of "different perspectives" and "personal truths" in a way that avoids labelling clearly unfair and exploitative relationships as such, although there are obviously also failures of parenting and financial education at play too.

aside from not being financially compatible (at all), we do actually have a good relationship and life with our children

I would rethink this @Mum2sons1234 - by treating you like this he is showing that he doesn’t respect you as an equal.

why did you agree to destroy yourself financially to support his career and financial freedom?

working part-time is only for couples that pool finances and view all earnings as shared. You need to go back to work. He needs to do half the school runs, sick days, and school holidays.

if he doesn’t understand that his earnings are happening because you make him available to earn by watching the children, then you have to stop filling that role.