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Would you charge a family member to live with you?

39 replies

PoorUncleBarry · 14/09/2024 17:20

Hello! I've had my "Uncle Barry" living with me for 6 months. He had to leave his housing association property due to arguments with his son who became violent. My uncle paid for everything from his benefits as my cousin was also on benefits and didn't pay lodge/rent. My uncle did the cooking (freezer food, not from scratch, it's relevant) and the cleaning but now he lives with me, my husband and my son. I work 2 days a week due to ill health, my husband works full time. We have paid for everything for my uncle since he moved in, including buying him emergency personal provisions for the first week, all the meals at restaurants, 2 holidays that he wanted to come on, all the utilities of our house and sometimes he gets bread/milk from the shop.
My company can now only afford to employ me for 1 day a week which has hit us hard financially. I told my uncle and his reply was "Oh that's a shame, I want some tea" so I told him I need him to start giving money towards his food, laundry, extra water etc. He said he doesn't have any money ... then he bought a £25 wallet from town. We do all of the cooking, the cleaning, meal prep everything because my Uncle can't cook and can't clean. We can't live off freezer food otherwise we could ask him to cook once a week or whatever. We moved his possessions out of his house, stopped all the direct debits for his old house and he's on £850 a month. No plans to move out at present as the council won't help.
In my shoes, would you ask for money and if yes how much? This is destroying my relationship with him. What really hurts is when I told him about my job he also said "Well your husband earns enough doesn't he?", like we're his gravy train because we earned enough in his eyes.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 14/09/2024 17:22

I wouldn't charge my children, my mum or my inlaws. I also wouldn't allow Uncle Barry to move in.

Littlefish · 14/09/2024 17:24

Either he makes a reasonable contribution to household expenses, or he moves out.

If he's got over £800 purely disposable income, he can certainly afford to pay rent.

What were his household expenses when living in his previous property?

Time to get tough with him.

Littlefish · 14/09/2024 17:25

Oh, and the council won't help while you are housing him.

If you want the council to help, you will need to serve him notice of making him 'homeless' from a certain date. He then needs to contact the council and let them know.

They won't do anything until he is being made 'homeless'.

PoorUncleBarry · 14/09/2024 17:26

@Lentilweaver my cousin threatened to kill him, it was serious and the police were involved. If I didn't take him in he would have stayed there. He begged me for help.

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PoorUncleBarry · 14/09/2024 17:28

@Littlefish well that's the thing, he had about £50 leftover after expenses when he was living in his home and I think after these few months of having disposable income he's gone a bit trigger happy with it and doesn't want to be responsible (not my problem obvs). I will be sitting down with him when my husband is home because he wouldn't commit to anything when it was just me. I'm trying to gauge how much to ask for. Even a nominal amount!

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Ohfuckrucksack · 14/09/2024 17:29

Uncle Barry would not have crossed my threshold.

Only my children can stay in my house for free(or very low rent if earning) - and even then they have to put up with me without complaining.

If your cousin was being violent then it should have been your cousin leaving the property. (with the police would have been fine)

buttonsB4 · 14/09/2024 17:29

He's been with you for 6 months; what's his long term plan?

You may have to "make him homeless" so the council house him if he can't afford to rent privately.

PoorUncleBarry · 14/09/2024 17:33

To those who say Uncle Barry wouldn't have crossed their threshold, would you honestly say no to a family member in desperate need? He's 67 years old, my cousin is 28 and my uncle has been bullied by my arsehole cousin. He's too scared to go back. The long term plan is he rents privately but he thinks he can stay here rent free in the meantime, I can't afford it anymore.

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Littlefish · 14/09/2024 17:33

Are you happy to have him living with you forever?

Whose name was the housing association tenancy in?

I would say that charging him a quarter of your household expenses would be reasonable.

Start by working out a quarter of all council tax, utilities and food. What does that come to?

And absolutely no paying for holidays!

Littlefish · 14/09/2024 17:34

Whatever the total, if it’s more than you need, then save the extra up and give it to him when he finds private accommodation that he needs a deposit for.

TwoBlueFish · 14/09/2024 17:35

Was his previous house his tenancy or a joint one with his son? If it was his will the council now think he’s made himself intentionally homeless?Some councils have over 50’s or over 60’s housing that is easier to get than other flats, could he enquire about that.

To answer your question though, yes I’d charge family if they could afford to contribute. I’d expect him to pay for his share of utilities and council tax. I’d stop cooking meals for him and give him space in the fridge and freezer so he can do his own shopping and cooking. He can clean his own room, I’d also stop paying for him for holidays etc.

Ohfuckrucksack · 14/09/2024 17:36

He's 67 - not 90.

He doesn't sound very nice either and presumably it's his own son being violent to him - the one he brought up.

The fact he won't listen to you - why? The comments he made about your husband earning enough - he's a cheeky bugger and is taking the mickey.

That's why I wouldn't have had him near my house - I have many many relatives that would take advantage in this way if I was fool enough to let them.

PoorUncleBarry · 14/09/2024 17:37

@Littlefish No I'm bloody not, he knows he has to move and he talks about the future. There's a charity involved who said they will be helping him with basic white goods when he moves out, I think it's because of his age and 1 health condition.

A quarter seems fair as we truly are up shits creek until I find another job. If he says no, he will have to go to my other cousin (they have offered).

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Harvestfestivalknickers · 14/09/2024 17:38

You tell him he's got to get his own place as you can't feed and house him for free anymore.

PoorUncleBarry · 14/09/2024 17:39

I should add. Back at the start, once he had his bank card he offered me £30 towards the groceries so I thought oh that's decent, a few weeks later he offered to pay for petrol as I was driving him everywhere so he seemed kind and reasonable. Now he's become someone else and I don't want to fall out with him.

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Littlefish · 14/09/2024 17:40

Excellent that there is another cousin he can go to.

I honestly would be really concerned about him getting too comfortable. I think you need to set an absolute deadline for him to have found alternative accommodation, and he still needs to pay expenses in the meantime.

fashionqueen0123 · 14/09/2024 17:40

So has his son taken over his tenancy or what? Have they both moved out? If so , won’t his son just find out when he gets a new place?

BruFord · 14/09/2024 17:41

If he refuses to contribute, he can move to your other cousin's. You've hosted him for free for six months, so you've helped him out considerably.

Why he thinks that you are financially responsible for him is beyond me. It doesn't matter what your DH earns, your uncle is an adult with an income, he should contribute.

WallaceinAnderland · 14/09/2024 17:42

What has happened to his tenancy?

thereiscustardinthejamtart · 14/09/2024 17:43

He has £800 a month disposable income and he’s not giving you a penny? The damn cheek!

He is never going to move out when he has free room and board and doesn’t have to leave a finger.

Id be charging AT LEAST £400 per month, and possible £600 while putting £200 into a savings account so he has a deposit.

And phone the council and ask for over 60s accommodation. It is less in demand that other types.

UrbanFan · 14/09/2024 17:44

yes

PoorUncleBarry · 14/09/2024 17:44

My uncle and my cousin are both named on the tenancy. My cousin is still there as far as I know and my uncle never wants to speak to him again. The housing manager told us not to take my uncles name off the deed as it would be seen as making himself deliberately homeless. The end is in sight for the future house-wise but I'm resentful of being Daddy Warbucks in the meantime. When my husband comes home wr will sit down and tell Uncle he has to pay his way because he isn't our child.

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midgetastic · 14/09/2024 17:44

Minimum

50 a week for food
1/3 of all regular bills like gas and council tax

I would guess a minimum of 300 to 400 to cover costs

Love51 · 14/09/2024 17:49

Of course. It is no good for anyone's self esteem to be treated like they aren't capable.
No one is my family is "no recourse to public funds" and if they were I'd make an exception. And obviously when my kid turns 18 midway through a levels and is technically an adult. But actual adults who are not my offspring? Of course I would expect them to pay their way.
The only people I'd house are our siblings or parents. I'm not close enough to aunts and uncles to have them live here. Visit, absolutely, live, nope.

Noshowlomo · 14/09/2024 17:55

He’s your mother or dad’s brother.. why can’t they help out?