So fed up with my penny pinching, tight ass DH.

[Astridastro]

I can’t talk to anyone in RL about this but my DSh is driving me insane with his penny pinching ways. I would see the out of we didn’t have any money but we are quite secure, we live in a bet cheap area of the country. Between us we earn 150K a year with him eating twice as much as me. The way he goes on you would think we earn 20K each and are barely getting by,

For instance one of our DC is off to university this week, she’s getting the full loan that will pay for accommodation but we will have to pay for her food etc Dzh is moaning about this saying she will have to get a job. I’ve said yes she will but everyone will be job hunting and DC is autistic and really struggles. He wants to starve her into getting a job.

we discussed giving her some money to start her off, Dzh discussed £30 each to that I said I’ve got £100 put past, DH oh I’ll not give her anything then as I was thinking £30 each. The cheap get. He was also threatening our Summer holiday next year and not being able to have one as we will be paying for DC. He’s like it constantly whinging and moaning about spending money. He doesn’t have loads of saving so he says I don’t realise where the money goes (we do have a joint back account for bills) he does have a nice car though.

I’ve said to him that being mean is not a nice personality trait and most fathers want to give their children nice things and spoil them. We have 9K coming into each month which I know is very very fortunate yet I feel like we are so poor living on £1 ready meals and cheap toilet paper.

Did he grow up very poor & have insecurity issues?

Otherwise, are you sure there isn't hidden debt, gambling, something else going on?

I think reviewing your household budget & financial goals together would be good. Eg, you decide that you want to save X amount for an emergency fund + retire at 65 which necessitates Y amount per month into pension. Ok, that's agreed, so what's left for spending? How much goes on DC, holidays etc?

You know you’ve got £9K coming in each month.

What are your outgoings? All of them?

If you don’t know, why not?

(And yes, if you have £9K income a month then your DC shouldn’t need to be worrying about whether they can eat at university.)

He doesn’t have loads of saving so he says I don’t realise where the money goes

Look carefully at where it does go. This sounds like someone who loves hoarding money not spending it, and will turn out to have loads in an unknown bank account but just want to pile it up and never touch it. Seriously, do the sums. It would be really odd to be on those earnings and not have more cash available.

Years ago, in early years, money grew on trees. DH spent like he was a millionaire and money was no object. I did not. I was careful, frugal ish.

Subsequently, we have separate finances. I didn't want to get 'dragged' down in poor financial choices...

Anyway, cue lately, DH begrudges spending ANY money at all! He's realised he doesn't have a wonderful nest egg. He will have a great pension, has contributed extra into pot for 20 years, but otherwise has no real other assets. So he's now so, so, so so, cheap. It's kind of unattractive how cheap he is becoming. He earns a decent wage, so isn't on the bones of his arse, he's just not planned very well for the future and is now panicked.

I second PPs - if he won't spend, and doesn't have savings, where has it gone?

If you are on that income and have kids old enough to be at uni, you should have retirement savings. If you don't have retirement savings, then some penny pinching is very warranted.

If you have 9K coming in where is the money going? Does he have a secret gambling problem or does he spend excessively on hobbies? Or is your mortgage horrendously huge?

Sit down and see where it's going.

This.

I would be concerned he has debts you don’t know about.

So where is it going?? That's quite an income not to know.

If your household income is £150k and you don’t have savings then something is going very very wrong.

How is she getting a full loan if you earn £150000?

My ex was like this, tbh he was always counting his money and had plenty of money for things with the ‘lads’ just begrudged buying groceries, kids clothes etc. was one of the main reasons he’s an ex.

If he drives a nice car but has a problem with feeding his own child, he needs to get his priorities right...

I think the OP means her DD is getting the full amount that isn't means-tested, i.e. about £4500.

OP at that level of income, with a child leaving home for the first time and with her additional needs, it's not unreasonable to expect to fund DD's day-to-day expenses whilst she finds her feet.

I wondered this but when I read it again I think OP meant that the loan she does get (assuming the minimum of around 5k) should be enough to fully cover accommodation.

I know a lot of people in mumsnet will say students should get jobs and pay for their own living expenses but personally I think if parents have an income of 150k, they should be topping up. Parental income is the reason why she's not getting more than the minimum loan. Those on the full loan get around £10k so parents should be topping up by around 5k a year if they can afford it. Otherwise she's actually worse off than a student from a low income family!

The information is available on the expected MINIMUM parental contribution......
What type of degree is it, with some it's very easy to supplement with a job but if it's sciences then they are unlikely to have the time. The expectations are not the same as university 30/40 years ago.
What about books & other things she will need?
Also there maybe other concerns linked to her autism that means she is not able to work & study. I say this as a parent of 2 children who are autistic one of whom is currently at university - there is no way they could also hold down a job.
What are your priorities? Saving a few pennies or your child's future?
Work out a reasonable amount for them to live on, there are plenty of student budget calculators out there.
But seriously if you earn £150k you should have savings

He doesn't know how good he has it. In lreland we pay for everything unless a low income where there is a grant. Costs at leat 15000 a year per kid. Parents have to save like mad from day 1 although most students work but thats for living costs not fees or accommodation.

So mean to not have money ready for his dc going to college. But have you both not planned for this. Does he earn 130 and you 20 as l am surprised you said l have 100 put aside. Where is all the money going? Surely you both over 18 years should have 50000 in an account for your dcs education. Do you have other children coming along? And l think it's unwise for your dc to get a job if they have autism where settling in and adjusting will be enough for the moment.

Could you both see a money planning person to see how your finances could be ordered better.

£9k pm and he has no savings and you're eating £1 ready meals??
What are your outgoings & where is the money going?
If it's a joint account, set up a SO for your DD, £100pw

This would almost be a deal breaker for
me. It sounds like your kids are grown and flying the nest- how do you want your child free years and retirement to be? Sharing cold sandwiches in the rain on a seafront bench because he’s too tight to go for lunch in a cafe or staying in amazing places on fabulous holidays and doing fun things (theatres/meals/etc) in your local area.

I absolutely cannot abide tightness, such an unattractive trait to me.

However, you say you’ve got 9k a month coming in with hardly any savings?

Where’s the money going? He’s spending it on something.

Where is all that income going?

Meanness is such an unattractive trait. I would be questioning why he doesn't have savings - on that income you should be able to save.

Agree with previous posters it seems he is right you don't know where the money goes. You really should though. Time to sit down and look through statements and accounts together. If nothing else you would be working out what he's concealed when you decide to divorce this tight ass, unpleasant specimen. Perhaps he's saving it all to buy his next really nice car.
We have a similar income and spend a lot of it on high quality food (organic pasture fed meat) and nice coffee beans etc. I certainly would not want to be living on £1 ready meals.
I think an agreed amount to support your daughter should come out of the joint account like any other bill. I would also make sure to do her first food shop with her when you drop her off and leave her a good amount on an amazon gift card for all the things she doesn't realise would be useful until she's been away a couple of weeks.

It’s time to sit down and put together a spreadsheet of all your outgoings; that way you will be able to see where the money is going and how much you can afford to allocate for uni expenses and holidays.

Financial transparency and preparing for retirement are an absolute must.

There is something exceptionally wrong with this picture. My OH brings home 5.6 to 5.75k PM. No DC. 108k gross. Net bonus this year 2.4k.

Rent, c tax and energy 2102
Car lease and 9k historic debt 600
Biggest annual expense is car insurance @ 430 this year

This year, our savings went from 39k in mid Jan to 50.5k at end of Aug. We spent 4k on going away that we wouldn’t usually, so really it should be breaking 54k by now.

Last year with more bonuses than normal (10.5k gross) we put away 27k between Jan and Dec.

When I went back through bank statements we were averaging about 700 on food (because I was on a savings mission) but we also spent 1k in 2023 on takeaways because our house is shit and I can’t get constant oven problems fixed and problems with our house that leave me in pain.

Your husband has a secret debt problem, is stashing away savings he doesn’t want you to know about, or has another major problem such as drugs, gambling, or is funding a second family somewhere.

I ALWAYS know where our money goes, because I manage every penny of it. And we are not even married - we have been together six years and I took over the money management three years ago.

Threads like yours often appear on AIBU and the two results I have seen is 100k
of hidden debt and a massive drug problem and a gambling problem.

I am sorry OP, but you need to face this head on.

You need to look at the last few months bank and credit card statements to see where your money is going.

He says that 'you don’t realise where the money goes' so tell him you want to learn.

£9k is an awful lot to get through every month to not end up with much in the way of savings.

Even if you had a big mortgage and high child care costs, the latter at least sounding unlikely if your DC are about to go to university, it should still leave enough over to spend fairly freely in the supermarket and not really worry about day to day living.

Most families probably have around a third your income and manage to live more comfortably than the picture you're painting.