So fed up with my penny pinching, tight ass DH.

[Astridastro]

I can’t talk to anyone in RL about this but my DSh is driving me insane with his penny pinching ways. I would see the out of we didn’t have any money but we are quite secure, we live in a bet cheap area of the country. Between us we earn 150K a year with him eating twice as much as me. The way he goes on you would think we earn 20K each and are barely getting by,

For instance one of our DC is off to university this week, she’s getting the full loan that will pay for accommodation but we will have to pay for her food etc Dzh is moaning about this saying she will have to get a job. I’ve said yes she will but everyone will be job hunting and DC is autistic and really struggles. He wants to starve her into getting a job.

we discussed giving her some money to start her off, Dzh discussed £30 each to that I said I’ve got £100 put past, DH oh I’ll not give her anything then as I was thinking £30 each. The cheap get. He was also threatening our Summer holiday next year and not being able to have one as we will be paying for DC. He’s like it constantly whinging and moaning about spending money. He doesn’t have loads of saving so he says I don’t realise where the money goes (we do have a joint back account for bills) he does have a nice car though.

I’ve said to him that being mean is not a nice personality trait and most fathers want to give their children nice things and spoil them. We have 9K coming into each month which I know is very very fortunate yet I feel like we are so poor living on £1 ready meals and cheap toilet paper.

Stop immediately with the £1 ready meals. You are risking your health to appease him.
I understand that ready meals are sometimes the easier option with work or tiredness and responsibilities, but you can afford to eat properly, so do it.
If it is to be a ready meal, make it a sensible one with a (ready made) veg or salad.
If he won't play ball, he can have the £1 dish while you tuck into something better.

How does your DC get the full loan when you have a household income of £150k?

In Scotland you receive your tuition fees paid by SAAS (around £1800 for a standard degree course per year) and the maximum student loan amount of £8400 per year. This is for anyone with a household income of over 34K. Household incomes below that receive additional funding.

Wheres the money going though? We have that plus a bit but quite high costs, we still save a few k each month with zero effort. I would want to know exactly why he doesn’t have any savings.

He's clearly spending somewhere if you earn £150k and have no savings.
OR he's got a habit you don't know about.

We haven’t always had this sort of money well he has, he’s been on 100K (give or take with bonuses) for a good few years. I’ve been part-time mostly but am back full-time this year I’ll be earning just short of 50K. He pays all the household bills, I pay for the DC clothes and holidays. No childcare costs but 4DC. Your are all right we do need to sit down and go through the figures as something is not adding up somewhere.

An income in excess of £100k here in Scotland is high and you're eating £1 ready meals? this is insane.
If he pays all the bills why don't you buy yourself food with your wages?

Is he someone that talks about retirement, pensions, all the time? When he gets a bonus, is it fun money or immediately put somewhere? He must have a track record for either spending or saving; have you knowledge of where his huge earnings currently go?

The issue here is you not being involved in household finances. DH and I earn around the same as you both jointly. I manage all the finances. Both salaries go into a joint account and then household bills come out of this (mortgage etc). Then money is allocated to savings, holidays, food etc. We pay school fees so have less disposable income but if we didn't we'd have a lot of money to play with. We do actually live quite frugally because of that and I hammer money into pensions too.
To be fair I often have to tell DH that we can't afford something and he takes the huff but I remind him it's because of pensions, savings etc which I manage. So maybe it's quite innocent and is he squirrelling money into pensions or worrying about your future? What do you know about your retirement funds?

So you haven't actually been on 150k, you will be. Thats not the same.

If he earns £100k thats a respectable salary but it can easily go quickly if you live in a more expensive area and have a big mortgage. 4DC means a lot of costs for activities, childcare, holidays.

I would talk to your DH. Work out what money is actually "spare" each month after:

• tax & NI
• pension
• mortgage
• utilities (elec gas water)
• council tax
• the main supermarket food shopping
• all DC costs eg any activities, driving lessons etc you might be paying.

I suspect there's actually less leftover than you think.

Your DH is reacting because it is your first child.
By the time your DD has graduated and working and living independently he will be more chilled and the other three kids will not cause the same angst.

Help your child find a job. Enjoy feeling that your child is well prepared to leave home.

How is your DD getting a full student loan if you’ve declared £150k income on the forms?

@THisbackwithavengeance I assume because she is in Scotland and the funding for uni is different. The original post is actually from September 2024.

@Astridastro How did the sit down talk go? Has it all been sorted out now and you are on the same page finance wise?

I think this will come back to how he was brought up. I have married into a family who are wealthy but extremely tight and my husband has had to un-learn this behaviour….

Someone earning plenty of money and being such a cheapskate is not attractive . As others have said sit down and work out where the money is going . He may then actually see there is plenty left after bills and there is no reason to be tight .

I would be trying to understand the household finances, what are outgoings, is the extra money being saved or spent. Is he trying to clear down mortgage? We have 2 kids at uni and we’ve paid uni fees. rent and food. I know some people can’t afford but we are comfortable enough that I’d rather the DC don’t have to get jobs during term time.

I think therapy to discuss why won’t even give enough for food?

This. It is very important to be aware of family finances. We keep records of all income and outgoings. We share out the admin but we discuss everything and keep a spreadsheet. We sit down and do our tax returns together.