Too much pressure on myself?

[ButterflyGirl26]

26 female. Earning 50K at present, going up to around £60K in 2 years time. Own my own place that’s worth 200K, will be paid off around 2030.

I know I’m doing ok. But I always find myself wanting more and never fully happy. When I see other people earning £60-70K, I look to myself and think I’m not enough. I know when I get to £70K I will want £100K. Like I’m never happy and need to chase the next to thing to ‘be happy’

I’m fairly happy in life but often feel like I’m behind in life. I see people driving the latest model of BMW and Audi and I get sad… I have a 2016 Polo. I’m sitting here saving like crazy in the hopes to one day be financially independent.. but not getting anywhere at all!

I just wanna go and be lux and buy a better car and have that London lifestyle. Why do I always feel so inadequate?

How can you say you are not getting anywhere at all? Why is your money so important to you? This is like a stealth post that is a little sad really. Do you have friends and nice people around you?

Comparison is the thief of joy.

ermmmm, you do know you’re going to get flamed on here!
There’s nothing wrong with having aspirations in life, but you must have some self awareness to understand that earning that amount at your age, having a property you’ll be mortgage free on very soon etc, that you’re doing way more than ‘ok’!!!?

Might be worth getting some therapy so you don’t place so much importance on material wealth. You are luckier than you realise.

You sound very money oriented?
Be happy and grateful for all you have worked for.

You know what they say

rich people don’t drive flashy cars, they don’t need to

You must be doing something right to have your mortgage paid off in 6 years time !! How are you managing that ?? I expect all the people you see with flashy cars have their mortgages running into their 50's.

Really?

Yes I have good friends but they all earn a lot more and own a lot more than I do. I feel like I’m at the bottom…

Well I’m happy with my car. It gets me from A to B but whenever I show up at friends gathering, I honestly feel so small. When my Polo is parked amongst Range Rovers, Audi, BMW at a dinner party.. ughh I hate the feeling.

When I’m by myself doing my shopping, running errands I feel fine. I feel normal. It’s just when I meet my friends I just feel inadequate.

you’re right I might benefit from some therapy.

It must be a very small percentage of 26yo earning that well and homeowners.

Surely you can see that you're doing better than 95% of women your age?

Most people work their way up. You’re doing pretty well for 26.

You’ll have about £200k of equity by the time your early 30s, so will be able to move up the property ladder if you want to. Your salary is going up about 8% per year. You say you’re saving too. Well done!

Financially you’re doing pretty well. You could have a flash car in a few years if you wanted to, but more sensible to keep saving/investing.

How is the rest of life?

Are these real friends OP?

When you meet for dinner parties, what do you talk about? What interests do you share? Do you support each other emotionally, laugh at the events of the week, watch stupid shows together, go out for nice activities that make you feel closer together? Do you talk about important stuff? Or is conversation centred around salary, cars, houses, bonuses, holidays (and their cost), etc etc…?

If they are genuinely good friends who don’t care about those things, it would be a good idea to look into why you feel inadequate.

If they are materialistic people, it might be a good idea to detach yourself from them actually.

As you probably already can sense, life is so much more than earnings and cars and mortgages being paid on time. I want to have fun with my friends, while also being responsible. Life’s too short not to feel good enough for my social circle. That’s why I choose to belong to one that doesn’t put value on material possessions. I grow much more as a person by surrounding myself with genuine caring people who want to be my friends, not just acquaintances I define by their bank account values.

Isn’t it likely they are spending all their money on car/lifestyle rather than paying down a mortgage?

Is it not fairly normal to want more though? I agree 26 on a good wage with your own home means you’re winning. But surely it’s an aspiration to earn more money realistically? Or maybe I’m the same as you. I’m 30 and on slightly less and I definitely wouldn’t turn down less money and I’m hoping my career trajectory will mean I earn more in the future - surely that’s what most people aim for?!

Stop comparing yourself to others and just concentrate on what you want and work towards that. If you want a new car, stop overpaying your mortgage and finance a Range Rover - you are 26! I’m in the ‘overpaying with a shed for a car’ boat as I couldn’t care less but everyone has differing priorities.

Some friends are really lovely but some can be a bit show off so not the biggest fan I have to say. But I’m quiet a humble person and prefer to stay away from the spot light but lately I just feel inadequate and tired of people in general. Hence feel the need to get something flashy. Social media doesn’t help either…

Thanks everyone for a bit of reassurance! I think a big lesson for me to learn is not to compare. I can’t stop comparing myself to friends around me..

It just happened to be 8% in the next 2 years due to a one-off thing, luck I suppose. It won’t be as much after that, hopefully just 2-5% each year.

Rest of life is fine at present- quiet. But no doubt something will crop up.

Sounds like you need new friends!

Most 26 year olds would love to be in your position. And a lot of 30, 40, 50 year old as well!

Get better friends and get off social media

Yes, don't compare. It's pointless. I had a house, husband, 3 children by 26 and a full time daily nanny and had been qualified as a solicitor since I was 23 (which is pretty young) but it's not a competition to be ahead of everyone else.

I'm 28. So two years older than you. I earn just shy of 20k. So, 30k less than you. I drive an 11-year-old Peugeot. So three years older than yours. I still owe £135k on my mortgage.

You're doing much better than me despite being younger.

But I'm not moaning about my situation because compared to a lot of people, I feel quite fortunate.

Perhaps start comparing with people who have less rather than more! It might put things into perspective for you.

Yes, it sounds like you need to get off social media and perhaps look for new people to socialise with.

A PP asked “surely most people aim for more money in life”. Well yes, being financially stable (which you are) is important, and few people would turn down a salary increase.

But is it the most important thing? I make less than you OP, and in my industry, that salary won’t grow for at least 10 years - and then only if I move internationally again. I don’t feel anything is lacking. I am content with my life.

Finances are not the most important thing to me, and I say that as someone who grew up on the breadline and had to move away and start working at 16 to provide for myself. Security, a comfortable house to live in, a safety net for tomorrow, are good things to have.

After the financial basics, I value relationships. Spending time with lovely friends, supportive family members (not just all of them!), travelling and discovering new cultures. I have an incredible church community where I meet so many incredible, diverse and interesting people I get to know a bit more each week. Having those short moments of happiness when you’re doing your own little thing, be it walking, watching your favourite show with comfort ice cream…

With therapy or a lot of introspection, you need to learn how to turn away from that materialistic drive, in order to achieve happiness. I’m not far off your age, and my dreams in life are my precious family, my friends who are scattered across the world and that I’d love to see more, and the way I live my life outside of work. I’ve had to relearn priorities in an industry where 80 hour weeks are normal, and all of us will burn out or crash down at some point. Life is so much more than work and money.

Alain de Botton (Swiss philosopher) said "whatever you achieve in life, your achievements will inevitably be forgotten and even mocked, and you will turn into the most democratic of substances...dust.

Sadly (& commonly) you sound like you'll always compare youself with others (& not just in the financial realm), and in my experience there are 2 solutions:

1. Surround yourself with those less fortunate.
2. Age..eventually you'll realise life's too short.

Good luck.

its called relative deprivation, the phenomenon of feeling badly off when comparing your position to others who have more/better/bigger stuff/houses etc.
It’s because it’s not all that fulfilling.

You're doing very well for your age and it's fine to strive for more. But there has to be an objective behind it. A perpetual need to earn more just leaves you on a hiding to nothing. You hit 70k, you want 100k, you hit 100k , now you need a million. You will never be happy comparing yourselves to others because there will inevitably always be people richer than you and driving better cars than you.

I try not to compare myself to others and think about the things i want/make me happy instead and then work backwards of what I need to earn to achieve that lifestyle.

It sounds like you have set yourself up well and probably will be able to continue to progress, at 26, that's more than a lot of ppl can say. Try and enjoy your achievements, keep an eye on progressing but don't let it consume you. No point working hard and earning well if you can't even enjoy it. At 26, you have so many other amazing things you could be doing than worrying about what car your friends drive.

You may be interested to read the psychology of money by Morgan housel op. He talks about a lot of the things you mention. It might make you feel better and have less car envy. You sound like you’re doing brilliantly.