Struggling financially as a working Mum and need advice

[superwoman888]

Hello Mumsnet people,

I often come here when I am stuck on a problem and have found everyday people's advice to be so helpful.

So in short, I am in my overdraft every month (around £500-800) and getting into further debt just to live. I have a 16month old daughter and a full time job and I just want to be with her if I'm honest. The stress is so overwhelming some days and I really don't know where to start or how to get out of it, and every issue seems to be bleeding into the next it's hard to even pinpoint what's going wrong.

I earn £36k a year in marketing job, which I love. It gives me flexibility around parenting and to work abroad (where my partner is from) when we visit his family. I could defo be earning more (say £10k) but it's stable for now and have a history of job hopping and want stability for our family for now, especially if planning for a 2nd in the next 2 years.

We have a mortgage which accounts for around 33% of my income monthly after tax. Debt is around 33%, and the other goes on bills etc. That means I am using credit for food, clothes, social life, travel. I am aware I could spend less on these things but it's really, really hard not to, given I struggle with mental health being social twice a month by going out for a meal is the only route I have to society, as I work from home.

I have thought about selling the house and moving somewhere smaller, but we love it here. Again I have a history of moving house alot, and want to give my daughter stability, and safety as we live in a great neighbourhood community right near nursery.

So I am faced with either selling the house, or moving jobs, in order to pay off debts and save up for child number 2. To give even more context, I am almost 38 (so waiting a few years for more children isn't ideal, plus I have ADHD and fragile mental health, so changing jobs would also be extremely stressful.

I feel so torn and stuck. What would you do?

Is the house jointly owned? Are you paying all of it from your wages or a 50% share? Without the debt would your wages be enough to pay mortgage and bills and have some for disposable income and savings? Don’t sell your house if at all possible. It will be difficult and costly to get back in the market. You need to do a full detailed budget of all outgoings. Can you extend your mortgage term or take a mortgage break to pay down other debt? Can your partner take on a higher percentage of the bills so you can free up income to pay down debt? Clothes social life and travel may just have to be shelved for a while unfortunately till you are in a better position. It’s hard I know.

What does your partner earn/contribute?

This sounds hard, but without knowing what your partner contributes and how he thinks you should tackle this as a family, it's hard to give useful advice. Tell us a bit more, please.

Your title and much of your post make you sound like a single mum, OP. Is that how it feels, financially at least?

Have you done a detailed budget? Is the % you and partner pay respectively fair?

Your post implies that you're a single mum but then you mention a DP.

Is DP living with you and contributing?

This sounds really stressful and I understand that you need to have the social elements in order to help you mentally but it's just perpetuating your stress levels about money.

Deep breath and you need a budget. A proper budget that shows black and white what you have and what, therefore, you can spend on it.

You'll then be able to see for certain how much of a 'earning too little' problem it is over a 'spending too much' problem.

There is an absolutely (I think) amazing app/ software thingy called 'you need a budget' (YNAB) which you can download and link to your accounts so that you can clearly allocate funds to what you need to. I got out of my overdraft in about two months doing it (plus aggressively selling on Vinted) and now I am paying off debt every month instead of getting into it. I absolutely love it and do my budgeting every morning with my coffee. It's a little gamified so I get a little endorphin boost with it which replaces what I used to get from spending.
Not saying your behaviour is like me at all, but just that the sooner you feel in control of the problem the better you can work out what works best for you and your family.

Another vote for YNAB here. It’s excellent.

I think it helps to write things down. So do a detailed income and expenditure form and review it from there. It’s very difficult to offer advice without seeing this in all honesty.
on your debts, can you ask for a lower interest rate to help pay off? There is normally room for movement. But you just have to be disciplined unfortunately.

I'd recommend the free mse download to help create your budget (Google "budget spreadsheet mse"). It prompts you with categories, so if you're honest, it'll show you how much more your outgoings are over your income.

Then you need to go back through it and work out where you can spend less. Does the 33% you spend on debt repayments actually drop your overall debt, or is it actually increasing each month due to adding new debt? Can you socialise in cheaper or free ways? Do a "no buy year" when it comes to clothes?

Depending on where you are in the country, £36k could be a decent salary or one where you are aways going to struggle. If you did downsize, could you afford to buy something smaller, that is still big enough for 2 children and clear all your debt at the same time? That's the only circumstance I think downsizing would be sensible tbh

You have some hard decisions to make though OP, at the minute you can't afford the lifestyle you have, let alone another child. I'm sorry, that must be a tough position to be in.

What does your partner earn and what is his overdraft each month?

Do you have a boyfriend who does not live with you and is not your child’s father?
Trying to work out why you’ve ignored his contribution.

If it’s not his child - are you claiming CMS?

As the daughter of parents with fragile mental health, honestly I’d really think about not having another child. Children are wonderful but they are draining - be realistic about your capacity, not just financially.

In the short term - don’t work abroad. Even if you can with his family for free, travel costs are an unnecessary expense whilst you’re clearing debt.

I think you need to take a deep breath and pause and look at your income. There's a difference between going overdrawn every so often and each month it getting worse.
Have you looked at your household income as a total?

33% of your income on debt is huge. How much do you owe and to who?

Is there any chance of clearing some of that or reorganising it?

You definitely don't add a second child into the mix for starters. What a madness idea, you can't cope with one (harsh but realistic)

"The stress is overwhelming" "Fragile mental health"

FIx your current situation first without making it ten times harder.

You have a partner - do you live together? You don't mention his income/contributions

Is he your child's father? If you're not living together he still needs to be paying towards your child

Hi OP. Sorry to be that person, but you’ve posted multiple times about how your partner is financially abusing you by insisting you pay 50% of the mortgage when he legally owns 65% of the house and earns more than twice what you do. Please, please do not have another child with this man. How can we persuade you that you’d be better off solo?

You haven't said what your DC's father pays towards his child so it's hard to give advice.

Thanks everyone, there's some brilliant little pieces of advice there! To add on, my partner and I (baby Daddy) managed to work out the finances a little better, contributing according to salary (he earns 70k) so we do 65/35 for everything except travel, meals out etc. He is not in an overdraft, nor has ever been in debt, and owns the 65% ish of the property we both live in now. I also managed to negotiate a small 3k raise at work recently, as well as get £100 a month for child benefit, so these 3 things in theory should help. However it still feels like a minor dent, as nursery fees just went up by around £300 this month as she goes full time. MOT costs appeared. It's a scramble every month to pay for anything and then as soon as I'm in the overdraft, it just stays that way. As I write this I know I have work to do but it seems so out of reach, I find it so hard to say no and so easy to just get more credit. Of course I want to be out of debt before I even think about child number 2, and think mental health is fragile because of having to work full time when I'm not ready and have all these financial pressures. It's like a catch 69 situation. And I don't want to travel to Spain again this year, we've already been 3 times, but my boyfriends parents are elderly and I would not want daughter to go without me. In the past if I needed extra money I'd freelance or pick up events shifts, but that's impossible now with baby. I think my overarching feeling is that I would rather give up my job then lose the house, just the thought of having to go through interviews etc is huge, after just returning to work as a new Mum it feels too much. But as you say, it's replacing one stress for another (money). My debt is around £10k, with sadly no option to decrease terms on loans etc, and have already moved balances on credit cards. I did app, spreadsheets and also had help from CAB and a Financial Adviser, but they all showed my outgoings were exceeding my income, but then what do I do after that? I did have a £55k job before we got the house but I was naïve in taking a lower paid one. I am certainly living a lifestyle beyond the one I was given, in quite an expensive city, but it's become so ingrained that I don't know how to break out of this cycle. I got to the point of asking my boyfriend to pay off my debts in return for more equity in the house, but that was shut down. We don't operate like household income, and he sees this as my problem, which I somewhat agree with. I feel like I am in a corner now where my only option is to get a higher paid job at this point, I know that is the most logical option. I swear this whole experience has made me never want to get debt again, as it can captivate you and trick you into thinking you can have whatever you want, even if you don't have the money, then follow you around forever somehow. Bravo to all the disciplined souls out there able to resist and plan and budget and be organised, I am just gutted I ashamed it's gotten like this. Up here in Scotland, we don't have access to subsidised childcare until children are 3, which is probably my biggest outgoing after the mortgage. Once that is gone, that may help, but that's 2 years away.

Why are you talking about selling the house as an option, when you don’t even own half of it?

Why would an abusive arsehole ever agree to downsize a house he likes and owns more of than you, so that you can pay off your debt?

”Baby daddy” sounds about right here, but are you aware that it’s basically a phrase used by very young women who have a baby by a man who isn’t committed to them or the child? If that’s not what you mean, I wouldn’t recommend that you use the phrase.

£10k debt is not a lot in all honesty and if you split the bills according to your income I dont understand your struggle. You have a lot of income as a couple.
do you have a separate account to pay bills?
do you have savings? If you can get to that point then you won’t need debt. When the MoT is due, you will have it. Life will feel easier.
it will not magically disappear though. You have to go without for when you decided to take extra (get in debt)
I think you need to find different ways to socialise that doesn’t cost so much. It can be done.

You need a proper joint budget with your DP...you're either a team or you're not. Have a look at Dave Ramsey Baby Steps and Rebel Finance School...lots of info online.

Why you’re even contemplating having a second child with this “baby daddy” I don’t know 🫣

You lost me at “Baby Daddy.”