Struggling financially as a working Mum and need advice

[superwoman888]

Hello Mumsnet people,

I often come here when I am stuck on a problem and have found everyday people's advice to be so helpful.

So in short, I am in my overdraft every month (around £500-800) and getting into further debt just to live. I have a 16month old daughter and a full time job and I just want to be with her if I'm honest. The stress is so overwhelming some days and I really don't know where to start or how to get out of it, and every issue seems to be bleeding into the next it's hard to even pinpoint what's going wrong.

I earn £36k a year in marketing job, which I love. It gives me flexibility around parenting and to work abroad (where my partner is from) when we visit his family. I could defo be earning more (say £10k) but it's stable for now and have a history of job hopping and want stability for our family for now, especially if planning for a 2nd in the next 2 years.

We have a mortgage which accounts for around 33% of my income monthly after tax. Debt is around 33%, and the other goes on bills etc. That means I am using credit for food, clothes, social life, travel. I am aware I could spend less on these things but it's really, really hard not to, given I struggle with mental health being social twice a month by going out for a meal is the only route I have to society, as I work from home.

I have thought about selling the house and moving somewhere smaller, but we love it here. Again I have a history of moving house alot, and want to give my daughter stability, and safety as we live in a great neighbourhood community right near nursery.

So I am faced with either selling the house, or moving jobs, in order to pay off debts and save up for child number 2. To give even more context, I am almost 38 (so waiting a few years for more children isn't ideal, plus I have ADHD and fragile mental health, so changing jobs would also be extremely stressful.

I feel so torn and stuck. What would you do?

Having in mind he is from abroad and I am, knowing how amazing continental men can be, I am astonished he does not work his ass off for you and child

sorry, lady, this continental man is financially abusing you

Well that’s the oddest thing I’ve read on here today! I’m not sure whether to be offended at how you’ve tarred British men, or just bemused at the homogeneous group you think “continental” men are 😆

You’re right that this prick is abusive though.

wait, I am continental woman married with amazing British providing, caring all that man. Just because I know some good men from the Continent where the family values are stronger ....sorry ....did I tar them

I think I've read your threads previously - I'm really pleased you've agreed to the income split for bills this is a great result compared with previously. Your threads really stayed with me as I can't believe how unfairly and unreasonably he has been treating you! It's like a business relationship and not like a partnership.

I'm still appalled knowing one reason you are in debt is that your partner expected you to contribute equally to the bills on maternity leave while he was out spending his money on luxuries and you were getting into debt looking after his child! He needs to be helping you out in this situation to get you to a level baseline. The alternative is you are scrimping each month, not going for meals etc to clear your debt.

Don't go to Spain, and your daughter shouldn't go if you don't want her to either. If he wants you there he needs to help you out and pay for you both.
Biggest piece of advice though is to leave him and do it alone. Don't have another baby with this man without things seriously changing (how will you afford maternity leave for instance?).

Hi OP,

I find your posts quite sad to read. I just realised you were the person that was made to contribute 50% on mat leave. I really don’t understand how your partner (or baby daddy) continues to treat you like this. It’s sad that you don’t feel strong enough to leave him. I don’t know much about benefits, but I get the sense that you’ll potentially be better off s as a single mum due to how UC is worked out.

This debt should be treated as a family debt, but seeing as it’s not, you’ll have to make some sacrifices to get rid of it:

1. You mention issues with your mental health. Please see your GP and get some support for this. Talking therapy would be so good for someone like you. You have so much stress going on.
2. I appreciate that you work from home, but if you do not have the money for socialising, then it’ll have to stop or significantly reduce for a short while. It’s a sacrifice that has to be made
3. What I found helped me when I was overspending, was to write down every single penny I spent on a spreadsheet. Doing this really makes you stop and think before you spend. Also get the snoop app. I found this really good.
4. Finally, did you say you’ve been to Spain 3x this year or in total? If you can’t afford to go to Spain, then don’t go. Your daughter is young and should stay with you. If your partner really wants to go, he can pay for you too.

I hope you can get things under control soon.x

I can’t imagine my husband being fine with me being in debt every month to be able to contribute to our joint home and child. Thats crazy. Don’t have a second one with him, it’ll just get harder. What a prick.

I remember you from the 50% on mat leave thread. You have a partner problem, please don't even consider a second child with this man, he will get worse and your stress and financial strains will get worse.

Oh this is sad. How can you financial contribute when on may leave and not earning. I can never understand how couples split finances when they have children, surely all the money is in a family pot. Your situation is extremely unfair on you. You cannot have more children with this man.