Husband not contributing at all

[MrsSuu]

Hi,

I am totally and utterly trapped in my marriage and see no solution how to leave it. I am married with three children. I work full time as a teacher and my husband is ‘self employed’. He works from home doing whatever he pleases and currently contributes nothing. I am covering every single bill and failing because my wages just aren’t enough.

He is the best dad and is always around for our children however his bad business decisions in the past have lead him to remortgage our house not once but twice. We now have a second mortgage on our home because his previous business failed. He is also not paying that.

I feel totally trapped because if I leave I wouldn’t be able to afford rent alone and I haven’t the money to buy him out of the mortgage. I have no family to ask for support. I want to keep my children in their school and home but there isn’t a solution that I can think of.

This month after paying everything on the 1st I have been left with nothing. I have been unable to even buy food. When I challenge my husband he states ‘he is working on it’ and that things are in place for the future.

We have been together for over 18 years now and I am totally broken. I just keep putting on a brave face. I have told him I want to leave the marriage but he just dismisses me and say that as soon as the finances are there everything will be okay.

I am at a loss as to what to do, I don’t think I can access any financial support because I work full time and have a mortgage.

I cannot face another month living like this.

I'm so sorry. You would be better off without him in every sense. Please plan your exit.

And he is not a good dad. He's a shit dad.

That's terrible. You can't go on like this.

Is the house in both your names? Do you have any equity in it, or is it all remortgaged?

What would he do if you just changed the locks one day and booted him out?

I'd contact women's aid for advice. He's contributing nothing and endangering your financial well-being, it's financial abuse in my book. He's keeping you in deep distress.

I wish I could plan an exit but I don’t have the finances to do so. The house is in both our names and there is some equity left, my plan would be to sell the house, pay off his second mortgage and use the rest to put towards another house however 3x my wage wouldn’t get me even a two bedroom house where I live. I have exhausted all the options I can think of. I feel like my financial well-being has disappeared because he hasn’t pay the second mortgage for over four months and I only realised when I checked my credit report.

I'm confused you say he contributes nothing but he pays both mortgages?

where does it say he pays both mortgages?

Nope he isn’t paying or contributing anything currently. I’m covering our main mortgage however I refused (and also couldn’t afford) to contribute to the second one as it was his doing due to his failed business and he promised he would cover it. He didn’t tell me he wasn’t paying that too. Basically on the 1st of the month when bills are due he doesn’t say a word and then makes some excuse about he will have money in a few days/weeks so I’m left in a panic to pay everything.

So your credit rating is already screwed because the second charge mortgage is not being paid?

Talk to your lender for the first charge mortgage ASAP and ask for ‘breathing space’. Under the mortgage charter they need to help you for a limited period. Do the same for the second charge mortgage ASAP.

Get ready to sell the house. You’ll need to go into rented accommodation. You won’t be able to fix this another way. You have to accept the inevitable as quickly as possible otherwise the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

Thank you for your advise, I just can’t afford the rental costs alone.

Oh god, sorry you are going through this?!

Cannot offer a solution.

Except. Women always become financially independent.

Speak to the mortgage people ask for a mortgage holiday be honest with them, let the house go and feed your children.

Throw the useless man out. You'd be better off with a lodger.

Make appointments with a housing association, shelter, women aid, the council. I've had friends in your shoes, they survived and thrived without a useless man holding them back.

As a single mum with children you will get help with rent

You will need to rent somewhere smaller, or further away than is ideal. If you sell the house then any equity remaining 50% will be yours so you can offer 6 months’ up front. Then you can claim universal credit if eligible once your savings are at the correct level.

Or your husband could get a job. But that sounds unlikely.

So stop panicking and make plans for you and the DC.

You will have to rent, you will get help via universal credit.

You and the DC will be ok.

Speak to your local housing dept at the council. See if they do any rent deposit schemes.

Your H is being financially abusive, he has no intention of working or contributing or even discussing the financial situation with you.

This is financial abuse

Speak to your mortgage providers and organise a holiday or change to interest only.

See if there are food banks in the area, you might have to get a referral but you can find out online. Any family who can lend you money for food? You can also contact the council see if they have any emergency funds.

You're going to have to sell the house if you can't afford the mortgage. My advice would be to put the house up for sale asap and separate from your husband inside the house until the sale goes through.

In the meantime look at your utilities and see if switching provider would save money. Cut down on unnecessary expenditure such as Sky.

You're going to have to do something. If you don't pay your house is going to be foreclosed upon. He's not contributing anything so you are going to have to rent something. The best sell the house immediately and use what equity it's yours to subsidize your rent for a year or two. You are married to a louse, a deadbeat louse.

Try this website it's great for money advice and cost cutting
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/

An appointment with Citizens Advice would be really useful to you, OP.

Separate from your husband today, even though you'll need to live under one roof for the time being. The relationship is over.

Get a benefit check to see how much Universal Credit you can get towards rent. You can ask Citizens Advice or other local advice charity for this, or do it yourself on eg Entitled To website.

Put the house up for sale and apply for a divorce.

Sell the house, use your equity for a rental deposit, and use Universal Credit to help pay your rent.

Then have a listen to Meaningful Money podcasts and get your finances in excellent shape as a single person.

If you can't find a rental in your area, ask your council's Housing Dept for assistance.

Best of luck OP. It all seems impossible now but it IS possible and it is necessary.

You are going to have to sell the house. He has ovously stuck his head in the sand and doesn't know what he's doing.

If you don't sort this out the he will ruin your credit score or make you bankrupt. I would think you need to speak to the mortgage lenders immediately so they know what's going on and ask for a payment holiday while your sort things out.

If you can't aford rent in your current location and do look to see if you would be entitled to any support as a single parent first. Citizen advice would be a good place to start, as a teacher there maybe help available through your union if your a member. Then moving to a different area could be an option, I know not always ideal if you have children in school but if you need to in order to support them then you will have to.

I am so sorry you are going through this stressful situation OP. Others are right you and the children are being financially abused. You need legal advice, you need to speak urgently to women's aid and your mortgage provider and the council and housing association. You and your children will be housed and helped with benefits. You will be much better off financially if you leave. You must separate your finances from your husband. I would recommend you start divorce proceedings now, you can do this online, it can take about 6 months and cost about £600. You have a lot to do to disentangle yourself from this man. I think you need an urgent checklist and i would start with womens aid.

Get yourself on council list, leave him and take the children as he can’t afford to feed them
put house up for sale
you can’t afford to live in the house so it needs to be sold

He's not a good dad, by the way. A good dad would be an equal contributing partner in your marriage, financially as well as emotionally. He's a lazy fucking prick. Sorry, I know that's not helpful and I have very little advice.

I hope you're ok, OP, I'm sorry for your circumstances.

Others have given you good advice. I’d also suggest one immediate thing to give him a kick up the bum. You don’t have any money left over for food so let everything run out. Don’t find a food bank, let him realize how bad things are and figure out a solution.

Your children will be fine if they have to live on cereal for a couple of days. He needs to see that he’s created a desperate situation.

If you tell the mortgage company they have to help as you will be a "vulnerable person" he's absuing you