Would you split bills on principle or pay it all if you could easily afford it?

[Helpfuladvice123]

Name changed for this as could be outing, but I am at a stage in life now where my current partner and I are seriously thinking of moving in together in the very near future and I am curious about how you would split finances in this specific scenario?

For full context:

Her and I are both about the same age (late 20’s) neither of us have kids (though she has two pets who, too, would be moving in).

I have my own place & I am mortgage-free so she would be the one moving in with me

Finance wise, I earn a good salary (like I have said, no mortgage and only have a small debt that I am very comfortably paying off each month so my only outgoings are all bills and taxes linked to my home and work as well as the monthly repayments on my debt but all in all it maybe only all add up to 10% of my current salary.)

On the other hand she earns minimum wage , currently rent somewhere central for very cheap (as it’s an old contract & also technically a commercial building turned into an apartment rather than a completely legal flat) and she has two pets that she obviously provide for.

So my question is: how would you split bills in this specific context and would you even split them?

Clearly I am in a position where I could technically afford to pay for everything and have her live rent free and bill free at my place. But somehow a small part of me thinks it might be important for her to participate even if a ridiculously low token amount just so we never get in a dynamic where either of us feel resentful (potentially).

For context I come from a very poor background, didn’t graduate university and the fact that I could ever have a high salary let alone my own home in my 20’s was NEVER something I thought I would ever accomplish, let alone at my age. I feel pretty secure in my line of work but, I work in a niche environment and also my high salary is at the sacrifice of many things and on the big scheme of things quite prejudicial to my health which means it’s not something I will likely still be in doing in 10/ 20 years time (and like I have said I have never made it to university so probably would never get back to this salary range once I do leave the niche area I work in and I am more than likely to get back to minimum wage as well if it ever happens).

In all cases my background makes me very aware of how important financial security is and how money can come and go and therefore it’s very important for me that SHE maintains her financial freedom and security and doesn’t feel trap in this relationship and so that she always have the full ability to leave whenever she wants, that’s why I am leaning toward paying it all as I feel uncomfortable by even the idea that I might financially benefit from her moving in and would technically rather she keeps and save her full salary.

On the other end I am worried that maybe it would create a bad dynamic (though I am not sure why, it’s just a sensation I have and I may completely be wrong as she is someone very reasonable who would never take advantage and definitely doesn’t/wouldn’t expect me to pay for it all). So, what would you do?

1- Split the bills 50/50 (we live in the EU in a fairly cheap country in comparison to the UK and currently the bills if split in 2 would probably amount to “only”’150€ each so she will have a bit over 1000€ left over from her paycheck to keep and do as she pleases with it).

2- Split proportionally to our income so 1/4 her and the rest me (so she pays 75€ a month, I pay the rest)

3- or I pay for everything and she pays nothing because I can afford to and she would still have less disposable income than me even if she pays nothing and I pay it all?

I really want to go for the fairest option, and the one that will have the least impact on either of us as well as both of us, long-term.

So trying to gauge what you would do if you were me and what you would feel is fair if you were her? Like I have said I am fine with either and all options (or any alternative one I might not have thought of) so whatever comes across as fairest I will be happy to follow as I am very aware it’s a very privileged problem to have (hence why I feel weird talking about it IRL and feel this might be the perfect place to ask, so, thank you!)

Discuss it with her. But I'd say option 2.

It's equallky important to discuss how you are going to split all the household chores.
It's crazy that people don't talk about their expectations for this before they move in. (Myself included)

Thank you,

I will definitely be discussing it with her, obviously but wanted to see what options would be fair to suggest to start with.

Regarding chores it’s a bit of a specific set up because I am away for work for almost half of the year (on and off) but when I am home I get a lot of free time so whenever we are together at my place or hers I tend to naturally pick up 80%+ of the chores and pet care etc… I would say (she is more into cooking than me so obviously we tend to split it in that I do 80% of the cleaning and she does 80% of the cooking).

Obviously when I am away with work she does it all but then I am obviously not there and we don’t have kids so it’s exclusively her mess, her pets and herself she feeds and look after. So I guess technically chores would naturally be split fairly even. Plus it’s my place so I feel even more like it’s my duty to maintain it clean and organized even when she is there (though obviously I expect her to be nice enough to pick up after herself and naturally help wherever she can as someone who also share the space).

We had a similar situation (DH was the higher earner by 10x) and we did option 3. But we got married when we moved in so everything got pooled anyway.

Personally if I could afford it, I'd pay it all. I think that's my love language though, I love gift giving, I'm very generous.

Option 2 @Helpfuladvice123

1. She needs to feel she contributes
2. Your earning power may fluctuate ( even if unlikely in the short term) so it is important to acknowledge this if any changes occur in future
3. Maintains a good dynamic

You will still be increasing her quality of life and can still be generous in all the other additional ways as she has access to the benefits of your higher salary e.g. no mortgage, better living conditions, ability to save more etc

Option 1 or 2 to be honest she is also using those utilities so shoukd pay for them, she has to now living on her own so it shouldn't be an issue her benefit moving in is she isn't paying rent. So she gets to have more money anyway. Also stops you from feeling resentful if u ever did down the line

I'd go with a percentage. You each pay the same percentage of your respective incomes into a joint pot for utility bills and food and so on.

You pay for your house upkeep and repairs etc separately as she doesn't have a stake in it or a claim on it.

1. She's still benefitting from her current situation and if things go wrong option 2 and 3 can leave her feeling trapped because the cost of moving out would be so very much higher than staying

I'd split all utility bills 50/50.
The place needs heated if someone is living in it as opposed to warmed to prevent dampness if you aren't there.
If you weren't there you'd turn the fridge off and not be using much power for TV, lights etc.
She pays food when you aren't there
If your home food gets split 50/50

I wouldn't charge rent.

Either option 2, or she pays just what it costs for her to live there i.e. the actual increase in bills for having an extra person, which would probably be minimal even when you're away because a large part of a bill is a standing charge for having the service in the first place.

What strikes me is that, while it may look like she will benefit more from the arrangement, she is actually taking quite a risk while you take none. If it doesn't work out between you, she will need to find somewhere else to live and will have lost the bargain flat she currently has so will have to move to somewhere more expensive and pay the costs of moving.

Also, what happens if you stay together indefinitely? Does that mean she never has the chance to own a property (maybe the case anyway as she only earns minimum wage, but in another life she could have met someone to buy with).

I don't remember about electricity, but I remember looking at my water bill once and a large part of it was just a payment for having water come into my home. That has to be paid however many people are there and OP has to pay it anyway, so you could argue that the gf should only be paying any EXTRA costs for utilities.

I’d go for 2) with a modification - not just proportional to bills, but also to contribute a proportional amount towards a joint pot that covers some fun together - meals out etc.

I wasn't really thinking about water, in Scotland it gets paid with the council tax rather than per litre. But it still needs to be paid regardless of who's in the house.

What I was thinking about is when my flat was empty I set the heating to about 12 deg, it felt too cold to be comfortable in but warm enough to prevent dampness and frozen pipes.

Heating it to 20deg to make it comfortable to live in obviously costs a lot more.
And they both benefit from heating when they are both there.

Other things like lights, the cooker, tv, etc op wouldn't be using at all if the house was empty.

So I'll stand by 50/50 for bills being fair. Also stops the partner from being careless (not switching stuff off) because it's not paying for it.

I earn a lot more than my DH, and I pay for everything, but we are married so it's irrelevant really.

For various reasons, we prefer to keep our finances "separate", even though everything is jointly owned from a legal perspective. Our bills are paid from a joint account but although we both have access to this, I'm the only one that pays into it. His earnings go into his own personal account and my earnings go into my personal account. I know a lot of people would find our setup odd, but it works for us!

Get a cohabitation agreement and take no steps until you’ve both had the adult conversation and the agreement is signed. Do a reverse engineering experiment: it’s 5 years down the line and you’ve fallen out about money: the most usual cause of arguments by the way. What’s gone wrong? What were the different expectations that you never made clear to each other because you both thought that everything would be lovely, always and forever. You’re splitting up. What’s she entitled to? Get legal advice, please

Thank you everyone for your input/insight, very much appreciated!

@savethatkitty that’s also one of my love language hence why my initial thought was to pay for it all but I then got worried it might create a dynamic that not me beneficial to either of us long-term so wanted more insights. Though instinctively I want to just cover all costs.

@alwayslearning789 that was my reflection as well, thank you for writing it down in the way you have!

@Gwenhwyfar Thank you for posting this as that’s absolutely my view. I am very aware that she has a very good deal currently and that she will NEVER find anything like this againand I actually don’t feel like she should be giving it up right away. My initial instinct was that I should pay for everything at the very least for the first year or two, so that she can keep paying rent on her other flat for a while and then based on how the cohabitation is going let it go or not, and also to ensure she can save up to leave, at anytime and be able to afford a new place (that will likely be double or triple what she currently pays if she wants to stay in her current neighborhood).

As for buying, I am actually very pro her buying or us buying somewhere else in the future (I am not planning to sell my current place and unlikely to be able to save up to buy cash again for a long while so likely would need to get a mortgage). BUT she is unsure she wants to buy (she grew in the city we live in but she likes to travel and isn’t sure it’s the city she wants to commit to though I have explained to her that buying doesn’t have to be a commitment to the city but more an investment that make sense, especially as rent price are at least twice what mortgage repayments would be) AND she is married.

And that for me makes buying with her a no go (for now). She seems reluctant to divorce as her logic is that it costs a lot of money and that neither her or the ex have anything to their name. And I have tried explaining that it’s actually about more than this, like the fact that if her ex was to contract debt she would also be liable and same if she was to win the lottery her ex would likely be entitled to half? (Not sure about that).

So, it’s complicated because legally she is already committed to someone else and so I would be very warry of buying with her without her divorcing (as wouldn’t her ex be entitled to part of the estate). I don’t pressure her to divorce as it’s her choice in the end and if she feels she is saving money by not doing it then well. But as much as I want to protect her finances and I am
happy to cover for her while she is with me and potentially living under my roof I absolutely don’t want to risk my own financial safety by investing with someone who is legally married to someone else as that feels very risky.

For the water I pay weither I am home or not (my bill for the last trimester was 50€ so really peanuts to be honest). And we live in a fairly warm country (it was 19C for parts of December and January this year) so not too worried about damp.The only thing that might increase potentially significantly is electricity. She tends to always be warm and live with the air conditioning on at all time in summer (and sometimes even in winter!). To be fair it does get very hot where I am at but personally I tend to run cold so might use the air con briefly to cool down the room but would never leave it on (let alone sleep with it).
Last summer her electricity bills was 3 times mine. So I really think that’s the only time where I might notice an increase in case in all other aspects we are pretty similar.

I'd say she pays 25% of bills

I am curious, could she ever be entitled to anything? Just asking considering we don’t have any kids together (I do understand that having kids would change everything financially), she is also currently officially still married to her former partner, and my home is paid in full (so she would never ever pay anything on the house).

Can someone ever become entitled to a home that’s already paid for? I am sure it varies from country to country but it’s not something I ever thought might be possible?

Personally option 1 for me.
But I’ll be honest… anyone who couldn’t afford to pay for 50% of our lifestyle together just wouldn’t be someone I’d have a relationship with.
I know it sounds heartless and it’s not very romantic, but I’m not here to prop up another adult's lifestyle - I’ve done it before and ended up resenting them because of it.
And I wouldn’t want another to do it for me, I’d feel like a user and they’d always have that upper hand on me.
I like relationships to be an equal partnership in all areas.

But that’s just me, you do you and do it well 😁

Good point that’s also my fear.

For example, I am happy to support a career change and shoulder most of the financial responsibilities, but I wouldn’t be okay with her choosing not to work for example, as that would
make me feel like she is living off of my money (as it somehow feels different to me than her keeping all of her paycheck and paying nothing even though it technically is the same).

I know that if I asked her, her natural instinct would be for her to offer to pay all bills etc… as it would still add up to less than what she is paying now + I think is very aware of how I already pay for 95% of everything we do, but obviously that’s not an option I would consider.

So she could afford to and I would like to believe she would naturally want to, it’s more about whether I should or shouldn’t put her in a position where she has to when there isn’t technically a need for her to.

She might get a limited right of occupation-awkward if you want to sell. She might get some limited financial rights but why leave this to chance? You’re thinking of taking an important step and your posts show that you are already making assumptions and have concerns about finances but you haven’t talked it over with each other. Please, take note of the fact that financial aspects are a major cause of disagreements including with married couples, and see a solicitor.

Split proportionality but I would 100% be protecting my house from any financial claim if no kids and unmarried. This goes for men and women.

I am also a bit like @alwaysmovingforwards I just didn’t contemplate having a relationship with anyone who wasn’t on a similar trajectory to me nor anyone who already had children. I have much older sisters and had seen too much shit go down when I was a teenager in their relationships. I mean love conquers all?

I will be judged for that but it just complicates any relationship. I also grew up poor and didn’t want an entire lifetime of being hard up. But overall I was never that bothered about marrying and children which is quite funny really as ended up doing both.

Do not live with her till she divorces, plus why is she divorcing?

@HoppityBun Thank you I will look into getting a consultation with a financial advisor especially as I am not living in my birth country so have limited knowledge of the laws here, especially related to assets.

@ViciousCurrentBun

Thank you, I definitely want to be 100% protected as I have had to work extremely hard to get where I am at and while I am happy to share what feels like my good fortune and help the person I love get to an equally secure financial position I don’t want to risk losing it all/or any of the things I have worked hard to build.

As for the same vision of the future it’s hard because we are in our 20’s still (I am a year older), and so I think like many people in their 20’s she isn’t really hyper focused on planning for the future, and is very much “go with the flow.”

I am “go with the flow” to a certain extent but I very much value financial safety and have always had a natural interest in building a (financial) future for myself (and I believe financial security leads to more choices and more abilities to “go with the flow”). While I think she doesn’t see a need for it yet. She definitely doesn’t overspend or anything like that, but she also doesn’t seem to have set life goals and is happy to just explore options and see where life takes her. Which doesn’t fully worry me considering her/our age, and the fact that I, overall have the same life philosophy (though I am definitely more of a planner than she is) but yes her not having fixed/concrete goals of where she wants to be in life even 5 or 10 years from now, worries me a bit. But also most of my friends who are the same age are also in the same spirit as her and seem to all be waiting for life to unfold rather than actually work toward specific objectives so it’s possible I am the odd one out here, and she is right to just flow.

I think that’s where you see how much background impact you and which way it takes you.

I'd still say 50/50 you don't want to end up with huge bills for aircon that you aren't using.

She should still be better off than what she is living alone paying rent and bills.
I'd think differently if their were children involved.