Would you split bills on principle or pay it all if you could easily afford it?

[Helpfuladvice123]

Name changed for this as could be outing, but I am at a stage in life now where my current partner and I are seriously thinking of moving in together in the very near future and I am curious about how you would split finances in this specific scenario?

For full context:

Her and I are both about the same age (late 20’s) neither of us have kids (though she has two pets who, too, would be moving in).

I have my own place & I am mortgage-free so she would be the one moving in with me

Finance wise, I earn a good salary (like I have said, no mortgage and only have a small debt that I am very comfortably paying off each month so my only outgoings are all bills and taxes linked to my home and work as well as the monthly repayments on my debt but all in all it maybe only all add up to 10% of my current salary.)

On the other hand she earns minimum wage , currently rent somewhere central for very cheap (as it’s an old contract & also technically a commercial building turned into an apartment rather than a completely legal flat) and she has two pets that she obviously provide for.

So my question is: how would you split bills in this specific context and would you even split them?

Clearly I am in a position where I could technically afford to pay for everything and have her live rent free and bill free at my place. But somehow a small part of me thinks it might be important for her to participate even if a ridiculously low token amount just so we never get in a dynamic where either of us feel resentful (potentially).

For context I come from a very poor background, didn’t graduate university and the fact that I could ever have a high salary let alone my own home in my 20’s was NEVER something I thought I would ever accomplish, let alone at my age. I feel pretty secure in my line of work but, I work in a niche environment and also my high salary is at the sacrifice of many things and on the big scheme of things quite prejudicial to my health which means it’s not something I will likely still be in doing in 10/ 20 years time (and like I have said I have never made it to university so probably would never get back to this salary range once I do leave the niche area I work in and I am more than likely to get back to minimum wage as well if it ever happens).

In all cases my background makes me very aware of how important financial security is and how money can come and go and therefore it’s very important for me that SHE maintains her financial freedom and security and doesn’t feel trap in this relationship and so that she always have the full ability to leave whenever she wants, that’s why I am leaning toward paying it all as I feel uncomfortable by even the idea that I might financially benefit from her moving in and would technically rather she keeps and save her full salary.

On the other end I am worried that maybe it would create a bad dynamic (though I am not sure why, it’s just a sensation I have and I may completely be wrong as she is someone very reasonable who would never take advantage and definitely doesn’t/wouldn’t expect me to pay for it all). So, what would you do?

1- Split the bills 50/50 (we live in the EU in a fairly cheap country in comparison to the UK and currently the bills if split in 2 would probably amount to “only”’150€ each so she will have a bit over 1000€ left over from her paycheck to keep and do as she pleases with it).

2- Split proportionally to our income so 1/4 her and the rest me (so she pays 75€ a month, I pay the rest)

3- or I pay for everything and she pays nothing because I can afford to and she would still have less disposable income than me even if she pays nothing and I pay it all?

I really want to go for the fairest option, and the one that will have the least impact on either of us as well as both of us, long-term.

So trying to gauge what you would do if you were me and what you would feel is fair if you were her? Like I have said I am fine with either and all options (or any alternative one I might not have thought of) so whatever comes across as fairest I will be happy to follow as I am very aware it’s a very privileged problem to have (hence why I feel weird talking about it IRL and feel this might be the perfect place to ask, so, thank you!)

Why do you think it would be a bad idea for me to live with her before she is divorced? Genuinely asking.

I know for sure that she is fully separated from her ex & the ex doesn’t even live in the same country anymore + is dating someone else entirely and we are all amicable so her not wanting to divorce isn’t due to any lingering feelings or anything of the sort. It’s due to the fact that she believes there is no point in divorcing when her and her ex don’t have a penny to their name (the ex also earns minimum
wage abroad) and divorcing would cost them money (money she doesn’t have and would be better spent elsewhere in her opinion). I have tried to explain to her that, yes, it’s an expense but it’s also about protecting herself and cutting financial ties from someone she barely has any contact with anymore and could potentially get her in debt as, as long as they are married, they are financially linked to each other.

But honestly, my partner is quite bright when it comes to a lot of topics but I have to admit she doesn’t really seem to grasps the importance of protecting herself financially. I heard a lot of stories about her marriage and it was clear her ex (a decade older than her) was financially abusive or at the very least, financially unfair by splitting everything 50/50 despite her ex earning more and putting everything (all rental contracts) under her own name solely, having her pay for half a car and the car insurance even though she my partner doesn’t even have a driving license so only the was using it (clearly) etc… Her current flat is still only under the name of the ex. For now the ex is being fair and hasn’t caused too much trouble (though there’s been a few hiccups along the way) as ex lives abroad but my partner doesn’t seem to understand that technically her ex could totally claim the flat back if they wanted to move back to the country and city we live in. It’s like she doesn’t have the instinct to protect herself financially and happily just go along with whatever she’s always been taught is fair (splitting 50/50) even though it’s obviously not always the fairest way. Hence why I am hellbent on her staying financially secure and protected as I know 100% that I will always look over the romanticism for personal financial safety whenever required and logical to, but I really doubt she ever would.

The more I’ve read the more I’d be opting for 50/50 living expenses with a bit of paperwork to protect yourself with what you’ve worked hard for. If she can’t manage it I’d choose to either reduce my living standards to what she can afford, or find someone more aligned with my values.

What feels romantic today could feel like naivety tomorrow… but MNetters won’t like hearing that, because most posters say the higher earner should shoulder much more.
Because love and trust… you hear it over and over…
(and probably because statistically most are the lower earners in their relationship maybe…who know eh 😉)

You need a lawyer not a financial advisor

@Helpfuladvice123

First off, I wouldn't live with someone who refuses to divorce their spouse. It's a dead end situation. What if you should want to have a child? What if you should decide to marry? What if you should become financially 'entangled' and her spouse should decide to divorce her? And, is she refusing to divorce to insure that she isn't 'pressured' into marrying again (not that you would do that)?

As far as the expenses, I'd be likely to go with #2, provided it doesn't give her any 'rights' over your home. But you really need to speak to a solicitor to find the ins and outs. And even if you aren't contemplating children, find out how they might affect her ability to put a claim on your home for herself or possibly on behalf of the children. Forewarned is forearmed.

I agree with a PP as far as getting a cohabitation agreement. It can be crafted to protect your home by having her agree that she has no claim on it now or ever, but also crafted to protect her against being tossed out on the streets at a moment's notice (again, not that you would) by providing a time limit to find a new place to live and possibly some type of lump sum to facilitate her doing so.

If she refuses to sign any such agreement (and be sure she seeks her own legal advice before doing so) then I wouldn't consider living together.

I see you view it as she will be 'sharing your space'. So it won't be her space at all? Hmm that doesn't bode well.

I'd say option 2. If she's on minimum wage, and you're earning substantially more than you should pay more.

We're not in some sort of caste system. i don't think it's realistic to only fall in love with people who earn the same. You might be missing out on the love of your life.
Also, men earn more than women so if OP is a high earner it might be difficult for him to find someone who earns the same.

What legal status do these cohabitation agreements have? I would think these things would be determined by the law, not individual contracts. As a tenant, you have a rental agreement, but the law supersedes it.

"** Thank you for posting this as that’s absolutely my view. I am very aware that she has a very good deal currently and that she will NEVER find anything like this againand I actually don’t feel like she should be giving it up right away. My initial instinct was that I should pay for everything at the very least for the first year or two, so that she can keep paying rent on her other flat for a while and then based on how the cohabitation is going let it go or not, and also to ensure she can save up to leave, at anytime and be able to afford a new place (that will likely be double or triple what she currently pays if she wants to stay in her current neighborhood)."

That's very kind of you. You could also let her keep the old place, but for a shorter period.

" BUT she is unsure she wants to buy (she grew in the city we live in but she likes to travel and isn’t sure it’s the city she wants to commit to though I have explained to her that buying doesn’t have to be a commitment to the city but more an investment that make sense"

You're obviously not in the same EU country as me because where I live, buying property is absolutely a commitment to the city where you live. You'd be hit by enormous taxes if you sold up in the first 5 years. If you don't have such a system, I suppose there are still the costs of moving and fitting out your new home so it could be costly to move if you're not serious about moving permanently.

Finally, I was very worried about your gf until you said she's still married to her ex. This would be a dealbreaker for me, if only symbolically.

English doesn't appear to be OP's first language. It's clear what he means - she's in his house and all maintenance, decorating etc is down to him, not her.

OP option 2 is the fairest. Also she isn't bothered by her low earnings, she can even afford to feed two pets. No need to let her live off you.

This isn't AIBU or Relationships but depending on the law, her ex might have a claim to her share of assets. It's quite stupid of her not to divorce him. Her lack of financial sense doesn't give your relationship a bright future, but there you go.

Thats fair enough.
But we’re also not living in a Disney movie where true love always prevails… people change, divorce is more likely than not… our OPs partner already has one failed marriage…

Also they don’t have children, so there is no reason for a man to earn more than a woman. Unless you still live in the 1950s?
It’s purely down to her ability / willingness to earn. Or not in this case.

Because of financial orders in divorce, if you don’t mind all your financial details going to her soon to be ex husbands solicitor and therefore him to some extent then that’s fine.

" we’re also not living in a Disney movie where true love always prevails… people change, divorce is more likely than not… our OPs partner already has one failed marriage…"

More likely than not to end in divorce is not true.
If we're talking about an 80 year old and a 30 year old, then yes it's fair enough to speculate whether one is after the other's money, but with two people roughly the same age, they should be able to fall in love outside the confines of the number on their payslip.

"Also they don’t have children, so there is no reason for a man to earn more than a woman."

Men earn more than women in general. For the younger generation there is less difference between men and childless women, but for people my age, men earn more regardless of whether the woman has children or not.

"It’s purely down to her ability / willingness to earn. Or not in this case."

Well, I don't think the most important thing about a person is their ability to earn high amounts of money. It doesn't make you a superior person.

I would go option 2 u til kids and marriage if they come