Splitting and rethinking our joint finances - qs re DHs smoking and drinking

[chairsaregreen]

I've been with DH a long time and we have DC age 21 and 17. For years we've done joint finances with me managing them (he is hopeless with money) but I've been using YNAB (you need a budget) to track our spending for a year and now feel his spending habits are unfair (on me). He spends a lot more per year than I do, and I often can't spend anything on myself (because we don't have enough left over).

I'm keen to change the way we do things and to split out our disposable income into separate personal accounts, but have some dilemmas.

Should these items come from his personal account or the joint account:

• His smoking - he sees this as an essential like food, I see it as a non-essential luxury and think he should give it up
• His alcohol consumption - I barely drink, he drinks a lot, so I see that as his spend not mine, yet I also see that it's kind of annoying for him that I stopped drinking, in most households this would probably be a joint cost

Anything like smoking / vapes and alcohol should come out of own spends not the joint budget , I rarely drink and when we pick up cans for my husband he transfers money into joint account

I think that both should be personal spends.

How much is there for personal spends and are things such as phones etc accounted for

i think personal spends - joint is when it is an even ish split for drinking

Personal.

It should be personal. Out of interest who earns more?

It got to the stage my exh (an alcoholic) spent £400 on alcohol and £200 on vapes yet would complain about me buying a coffee. I was earning a lot more than him. I eventually left. I would say that basic shampoo and things should come from the budget. Anything fancy or non necessity (alcohol, cigarettes, hair salon appointments, hobbies, meals out with friends should come out of personal spends if he can't be fair with a fully joint bank account.

Obviously personal. Equally if you had a penchant for caviar (despite it being food) I’d say that’s personal too. Joint grocery shop is normal stuff / stuff you both like.

Personal spends for those. If we drink together we pay from the joint account mostly, but if DH goes out alone he pays for his own drinks same as I pay for my own tea and cake.

Also in our personal spends are haircuts (some sucking it up on my side as my haircuts are so much more expensive than his), clothes, separate socialising, some of the less justifiable stuff for the house/garden that I fancy. Presents for each other and for separate friends.

Joint costs include cars, gifts for kids and shared family, and my leg waxes which we agreed were a marital expense 😁.

In a similar position and I'd say personal, basically anything non essential.

Thanks all. I earn more, but spend way less. I don't have an issue contributing more for items like holidays, house repairs or furniture, Christmas etc. But I am feeling resentful that I can rarely buy clothes or much else, yet he is very free with his spending, and wasting so much on cigs and booze. He is naturally more of a spender and I'm more of a saver.

Another dilemma I forgot to put in my OP - DH has got into going to see his football team regularly, and he takes youngest DC. I guess I could ask him to buy the tickets from his personal account and then transfer in money from the joint account for the DCs costs on those trips though it will be a bit of a hassle, and I know it'd annoy DH to be asked to work out the costs of how much he ate v DC.

No way would I have this (dh and I have joint finances). Boozing and smoking should come out of personal spending money. The way we do it is both of us get an equal amount, transferred to our own joint but used as single bank accounts and the rest is left in the main joint account for bills etc. We don’t smoke but I’d be furious if dh suggested it’s a necessity like food!

You definitely need separate accounts! I'd say the football could come out of joint funds, but I'd make damn sure I took the same amount out for myself. Alcohol and cigarettes should come out of his own money. It's not the same as food!

We combine our finances but have a little to spend on ourselves each month.

TBH I think he needs to take responsibility for his lifestyle choices and the impact on the household income. Is he aware of how much he is spending on booze and fags? Is he addicted to alcohol as well as nicotine? In which case, he will really need to want to give up and have support.
Do you think it will be possible for him to cut down /give up?

You need to do what you feel will work in your situation. If rationing cash will get him to stop do that but unfortunately it sounds like he could be addicted which may need different tactics.

Alcohol and smoking definitely personal money for me.
Football is not as clear cut if he is taking DC- do they enjoy going? If so then I think it should be joint, yes he enjoys it obviously but it's to DC advantage and also I imagine very good for their relationship. However maybe agree an amount of football spends that's acceptable and anything over he pays for?

If I was still smoking (30 a day @ £13 a pack) it would be costing our household almost £600 a month.

Hell yes he should be paying for that. Perhaps seeing his decimated bank account will be the jolt he needs to quit.

As it is, vaping probably costs me around £40 a month including replacement coils.

DH drinks and I don't. I eat red meat and he doesn't. When I looked at our grocery bill, it kind of evened out.
Any alcohol he buys mid-week he pays for himself.

Booze and fags are definitely personal spends. Football with the kid probably not.

Does he genuinely think he should be able to drink and smoke while you don't get any personal spends?

Personal spends for cigs and alcohol. Maybe chuck a 4 pack of beers or a bottle of wine into the weekly shop, as a compromise?

Joint spends for the football - but ideally you take a child to a similar outing eg museum, other sport that is also from the joint account, even if less frequent.

I would say personal spends for booze and fags, but football with DC is family spend - with a snack budget which will get one drink and one snack per person. Anything over and above that (a couple of pints at half time, for example), should be his spend.

Smoking is definitely a personal spend, but a small amount of alcohol should be a joint spend, as should whatever you drink in replacement.

I like having a posh cordial/squash sometimes in the evening, and I guess that would be the equivalent.

So maybe 2-4 beers for the week or 1 bottle of wine could come from the joint account, but anything more is from personal spending. Especially if you occasionally have guests over and like to be able to offer them a drink.

With the DC at football just look up what the average cost of a ticket, meal and drink is for DC and maybe pay half as a set amount for every game? But only if he is jointly paying for when you take the DC out as well.

I find it interesting a few people have called out hair appointments as being relegated to personal spend. That sounds disadvantageous to women in general. Even those no frills budget places we used to take the kids when they were young had a substantial price difference for a basic men’s versus women’s cut.

My DH now goes to my salon (he loves the full hair wash/massage🤣), and there is an enormous difference to what he is charged and what I am charged, yet our hair is roughly the same length and I’m not asking for some supermodel cut/style. Put on top of that I have had to dye my hair for decades as I went grey early. When the kids were little and with work, I had no time for salon visits and used the self-cut ponytail method and supermarket box dyes but they don’t look great and the grey re-appeared quickly. The salon job looks great, lasts a lot longer and DH has the advantage of looking at a wife with nice hair rather than someone resembling a deranged badger. Similarly supermarket hair products don’t deal well with my frizz. So, if we had seperate spend I’d definitely be putting all hair appointments and products to the joint pot.

I would say basic hair cut price should be family spend- that's what we do, lady comes to the house and does me and my daughter for less than £25. If I wanted anything fancy then that would be my choice and should come out my own money.
Hair dye is definitely personal in my mind, it's a personal choice same as make up, expensive skin care or designer clothes and isn't essential.

Someone suggesting cigarettes is an ‘essential’ is a selfish fucking chancer. Split your finances NOW - you’re earning more and missing out while he pisses YOUR money away on cigarettes and alcohol.
This would make me reevaluate the whole relationship TBH.

@Cuwins Hair dye is definitely personal in my mind, it's a personal choice same as make up, expensive skin care or designer clothes and isn't essential

I think it depends whether the DH is benefiting though. As I said, DH benefits from my salon quality dye job. I made no joke when I said I look like a demented badger without it and my hair seems to have gone so porous with the grey that even more expensive box jobs rapidly fade out after 7/10 days. I have just asked him if he’d prefer looking at me dyed or undyed and he said dyed, no questions about it (frankly I think he was probably horrified I was contemplating otherwise). So, why shouldn’t it come out of shared funds? Same with make up. I have never worn it to work, I don’t ’need it’ yet, for example if we are going to a wedding or theatre/dinner I wear it and I know he appreciates me making the effort. Again, given he benefits from that, why would it come from my money alone if we worked it that way? Ditto for beauty treatments. I do a course of treatments that’s not not cheap and he has provided positive feedback on the difference they make - obviously he prefers the results and benefits from looking at that rather a more wrinkled old prune. To be clear, in several decades of marriage, he has never once asked me to do anything re make up or improving my appearance, but he admits he benefits when I do - so why would that be my sole cost? How is it any different than sharing a bottle of wine, where we both benefit?