Splitting and rethinking our joint finances - qs re DHs smoking and drinking

[chairsaregreen]

I've been with DH a long time and we have DC age 21 and 17. For years we've done joint finances with me managing them (he is hopeless with money) but I've been using YNAB (you need a budget) to track our spending for a year and now feel his spending habits are unfair (on me). He spends a lot more per year than I do, and I often can't spend anything on myself (because we don't have enough left over).

I'm keen to change the way we do things and to split out our disposable income into separate personal accounts, but have some dilemmas.

Should these items come from his personal account or the joint account:

• His smoking - he sees this as an essential like food, I see it as a non-essential luxury and think he should give it up
• His alcohol consumption - I barely drink, he drinks a lot, so I see that as his spend not mine, yet I also see that it's kind of annoying for him that I stopped drinking, in most households this would probably be a joint cost

I think hair and makeup have a decent argument for either way.

Fair enough if that's your agreement. Wouldn't work for us

My DH and myself share our joint income - salaries get paid into one current account. DH is an accountant and I’m useless with money so he manages the finances.

We each get £700 per month personal spending money after all the bills are paid and savings put away. That £700 is used for hobbies and other monthly non essential purchases. Clothing, toiletries etc. come out of the household budget so the spending money that we each have is for luxury items that we may want to buy. If either of us have money left over out of the £700 at the end of the month, then this gets rolled into the new spends that we each get. It works very well and there’s never any arguments about who’s spent what and on what.

Not much advice on the booze and fags front, but wanted to chip in on hair.
DH and I each get personal spends per month but I realised a few years ago that mine was getting eaten up with haircuts and highlights. I said to DH that I would happily get my hair cut short and stop the highlights ( it takes 3 hrs to get them done so it's a time drain as well as everything else) but he likes my hair the way it is so we agreed it would come from joint account.

We pay half each into a housekeeping account that all the bills and food comes out of. It's a standing order from our personal account to the joint account on payday, so that way there is always the money for it. Then after that what is left is our own money to spend. We've done it right from the start and have never once argued about money. We each get to spend our own money as we please. I would have been very resentful of the amount of money I consider he spends on "crap" and he might resent my craft supply spending LOL!! I would not like to be funding his wine shopping for sure.

That was me and ExH years ago. He was on £500/month, part time, I was on £1500. We were always in overdraft. He smoked and drank and had a motorbike that just haemorrhaged money and went to the pub with his friends once a week. But I wasn’t allowed to have new clothes (I used to sneak them in), or go to theatre, or meals out with friends because I was ‘wasting money’ and he would really kick off if I did. I really thought we can’t afford it and did more and more overtime to cover it all.

So I changed my bank account I was being paid into, looked at our expenses for the house (rent, bills and food), it came to 1400. I presented the figures and said: your share is £700 for basics. He kicked up big time: we’re married, that’s not how it works etc. I stood my ground: you contribute equally, or you’re moving out.

I wouldn’t have done it, I would have continued to support him financially if he contributed in any other way and if he didn’t abuse me mentally and financially. But he really didn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour.

But what I did realise was just how much money I actually had. I was doing really well, soon after I had savings for the first time in my life. Which I used to move out and leave him.

So, in answer to your question: yup, he pays for his vices.

Fair enough if that's your agreement. Wouldn't work for us

Well, there is no agreement. We just have one pot and any and all spending comes out of it. I think he buys some unnecessary shit, computer games and boys toys contraptions, but tbf, I’m sure he probably thinks I do too (outside of stuff like hair, make up, beauty)! Was just pointing out that if we did run with seperate pots I’d be taking anything he personally gains any benefit from out of joint household fund. Would work the same in reverse, I’d not want him to look ratty so I benefit from his professional grooming, nice clothes, accessories etc.

I can see it from both sides. It took me 24 years to give up and it was HARD - I tried absolutely everything. But the difference between fags (£600) and vaping (£40) means it is an absolute no brainer, in my mind. Especially as there are so many different types of vapes and vape juices that taste almost just like you are smoking a cigarette anyway.

I have come across many people who say ‘I can’t get on with vaping’ and in my experience, they haven’t tried hard enough to find the right kit/vape juice - but - more importantly, they were never actually really ready to quit in the first place.

I guess I got lucky. Vapes became massively available when I was 38. The quitting nurse (after my second failed Champix attempt) said: I really want you to quit before you are 40, when the chances of getting cancer increases (scary number? Tenfold??). I took her seriously, then vapes came along.

I can see how a smoker would call it a necessity but having done both, I really can’t see ANY excuse to be spending £13 a day on a packet of fags when a £1 bottle of vape juice lasts 2-3 day.

We have a joint account but each have £300 a month for personal spends. Neither of us smoke and we are both light drinkers so alcohol comes from joint finances. I would say cigarettes are a personal spend and maybe seeing his personal money decimated will stop him but most people seem to find it hard. The football with DC I would say is joint and you do an activity once a month with DC from joint funds.

Most people put bills, groceries, car expenses, house expenses, childcare, pets and family holiday/entertainment and emergency savings from joint. Personal care, clothes, entertainment and hobbies from personal spends.

Fucking hell, of course cigarettes and alcohol should come out of his own money, I can't believe that you've been subsidising this for years!

He's taking you for a mug.

I would never have joint finances with someone else. If you must have a joint account for shared bills, then agree an amount that you each pay into it each month, and keep your own money!

I think it's about fairness as much as what the spending is on. Me and my husband have totally shared finances - no personal separated money. He drinks a lot more than me, but I spend a lot more in general on clothes, treats for myself and the kids, hair and beauty, nights out with friends etc. So it's not what we're spending it on, but that our values and views on money and spending are aligned and fair. He probably pisses £200 a month up the wall on wine, but I easily do the same in other ways! It's not fair that he has money to spend on the non-essential things he enjoys, and you don't. And just because those things are addictive is neither here nor there when it comes to money.

My hair usually comes out of joint spends but we have a very loose system of what is joint and what is personal spends.

I take all of my clothing out of personal spends whereas dh would take his work wear out of joint spends. He tried to convince me that my gym membership should come out of personal spends but I argued my health benefitted everyone

it works for us because neither of us feel hard done by, neither of us smoke, we both drink a bit.

ANY activity that includes a ds is joint spends, even if it’s expensive theatre tickets or concerts.

dh out earns me at least twice (sometimes x3)

My partner smokes 50g-80g of Amber leaf a week and anything from 4-8 beers daily. He stays awake most the night and falls a sleep no matter were he is! leaving me bored and wondering what to do with myself, so feeling like the intimacy has gone as he sleeps away from me as he says he snores to loud and doesnt want to keep me up all night, I guess. I buy food shopping of £50-60 pounds a week for myself as I only eat fish, white meat , salad, ducks eggs,stirfry vegtables with the occasional hand full of skinny fries with my fish, and low fat ice cream, ice poles, or a fruit salad. I do add items onto the food shopping i do for his son to help out when ever I do a food shop but he asked me if I could give him money for the household shopping to help out? And all I'm thinking to myself is I only eat once a day and I'm already paying rent, utilities and council tax for my property at my end! I'm only here at his because he asked me to be ? I said I don't have much left each month as it is and what I do have goes on my food shopping for the food I need!
I'm feeling resentment because since the begining of march when we got back together he has asked to borrow money from me to the tune of over £1200 . I take care of his son for him and clean up after them both and do the hoovering and hang out the washing. What does everyone else think? Am I being unreasonable or is he taking me for granted ?

Smoking and drinking are definitely personal. Football is difficult as he takes dc, but assuming it’s more for him than them I’d be inclined to say his ticket is personal but that dc’c ticket and any food can be from the joint account as long as he’s not drinking alcohol.

Smoking and drinking ard personal spends

edit to add that whilst we both drink alcohol is allocated per person in out budget

and hair is personal as it’s a woman’s choice to spend lots on hair - I cut my own and before that a barber did it. Society gives you pressure to spend but society gives men pressure to watch sport and drink

Go to a beauty college I've never paid more than £12 for wash cut layers and blow dry. £25 for dye/highlights

We split finances as you're suggesting, with a joint account for essentials and kids costs, then personal accounts for our own extras.

Vaping I would say is a personal extra.

Alcohol we do buy from the joint account, although he drinks 90% of it. But I spend money on other food/drink he doesn't eat/drink so much of (chocolate, nice soft drinks), so I feel it to be reasonably fair.

I would also be curious to know how much of a % people allow for their personal spends. Ours is only 2% each of our gross income, so we have very little just for ourselves. Which feels limiting sometimes, but also, that money only goes on unnecessary stuff, so if we are used to it, maybe it's the sensible way?

Bit of a zombie thread, but I'd be interested in if/how the OP resolved it.

This is what we do and it works for us. Joint account for bills/food/ fuel/ general joint spending. Certain amount is put away for savings (this varies depending on previous months spending)Then we both have our ‘spends’ for the month, same amount to spend as we wish so booze and smoking would come out of his spends. DH earns a third more than I do but it all goes in the pot and not proportionally split. It works for us and also helps to keep an eye on what the spending is going on so helps with budgeting

Definitely out of his own money.