Feeling lost and stupid with money

[muttimalzwei]

There's a lot to cover but basically I have amassed about 8000 in credit card debt over 3 cards. I don't earn very well and I have been using them towards the end of the month, bits here and there and when on holiday for things that I wanted to do with the kids while there (hire bikes, amusement parks etc). I've lied to my husband (he knew I'd used credit cards in the past and got into a big mess. This was paid off using some of my inheritance money) and told him I used one again a few years back to pay for a camping holiday abroad (couldn't afford to go really but desperately needed a break). I told him I would pay it off but then just carried on spending and transferring to zero interest and getting into more of a mess. We have seperate accounts but he pays the utilities, runs the family car, does 2 big shops a month and keeps the house maintained. He also pays for holidays in the UK (youth hostels, nights away) and family meals out. Holidays abroad we go halves. He has always saved into an ISA for repairs to house/car/rainy day etc. I do the entertainment / everyday side of things (all phones, TV subscriptions, school meals, clothes for kids). My husband has always lived frugally so sees some of my spending as frivolous (do you really need a new pair of shoes etc) but honest, I hardly spend anything on myself. So sometimes I've just bought things on credit because I know he would question it or maybe think I was extravagant.
He is due to inherit money and I've told him today about my debt. I've been hiding it from him. I'm hoping he might help me to pay off some of the debt. Is this unreasonable of me? I'm thinking while I've been using credit for things that are essentially for our children and been on low wage due to family responsibilities he's still kept in the black? Am I being unreasonable here? Or am I missing something?

You need to sit down and budget together for everything including what the DC need and "treats"

I think you are being unreasonable. He's living frugally and you are actually buying stuff you can't afford!
You went on a break you couldn't afford but decided to get into debt because you really needed a break?

If I were you I'd be doing everything possible to get rid of the debt. Pick up a second job, fill out surveys, matched betted could probably clear 1k of that pretty quickly

Hmm, I think YABU, sorry. It would be different if he wanted to be frugal when there was some spare cash but there isn’t- you’ve been living on credit. I usually think couples should compromise if they have different spending styles but that’s when it’s a choice between spend or save, not when it’s a choice between living within your means and unmanageable debt.

I’d recommend you contact Stepchange for advice on getting out of this situation. Cut your cards up. Maybe there is an agreement to be found with your husband but the first thing you have to do is take responsibility. I would not expect him to use his inheritance to bail you out again.

I'll look into matched betting? Thanks @Hungrycaterpillarsmummy

@DearSilverGirl I agree it is my responsibility but I got out of the debt myself last time using my inheritance. No excuse though, I agree but he's had access to more money generally. Yes he spends it on the family and is generous but I took a massive hit when we moved somewhere with his job which has poorer job opportunities. I took off time with the kids and made sure I took jobs that fitted around his hours and childcare.

He has already said he will help me by selling something he makes at a higher price. I'm stupid and spoilt, aren't I?

You need to take responsibility and change your habits, or it will happen again. There no point having money in the bank and large debts accruing interest though. Where did he think this money was coming from? And no, matched betting, bitcoins etc are just another way to lose.

In a word, yes. But based on your posts so far I doubt anything will change. You're already looking to transfer blame for your behaviour wherever you can to your DH, so you haven't fully accepted culpability.

@DearSilverGirl I'll contact Stepchange thank you. I'm not spending on the cards anymore.

@WYorkshireRose correct. Thanks for the reality check.

Do NOT do matched being, that's a terrible idea for somebody that shows signs of a possible spending addiction. And let's be honest, the signs are there. You are hiding it, lying about it and doing it impulsively even though you don't need to to. Swap spending for drinking vodka. It's definitely pointing towards addictive spending.

You are being unreasonable yes. If I were your husband I would make it a condition of bailing you out that you handed over your wages and I did the spending for you.

I feel for you, but you've got to change your thinking on this op otherwise you will end up in this mess again and again.

If you are married and have children, why do.you still have separate finances? I know some people do and it works for them. But it never strikes me as fair in cases where one person has access to more money than the other, and it seems to always be the woman buying things for the kids. In your case, having one account but also a proper open discussion about budgets - if you can both see all transactions you would be more accountable?

I would be reluctant to bail someone out in these circumstances.
You have an addiction to spending money that you don’t have, on things that you don’t need re: a trip you wanted, new shoes etc. Id expect to see a spouse/ partner taking ownership of their problem and devising a serious plan to address it ( to avoid the same in the future) before even considering helping out. And even then I wouldn’t clear it fully, maybe half.

Thank you for your messages of advice. I'm trying to clear this debt myself and it's clear I only have myself to blame.

It's incredibly easy to get into debt and difficult to get out of. Make that plan with your DH to work through your finances together, (100% shared and no secrets) to stop this from happening again, if it means you all go without something or you both look for better paid work to be able to manage your cashflow better. I'd be furious with DH if he had secret debt.

You need to identify the difference between WANT and NEED. You didn't NEED a break, you WANTED a break. You only NEED new shoes when your final pair are worn out.

Without any numbers, it's impossible to say whether you've been overspending, because he's conveniently paid all the boring bills but left you pay for family holidays, and other non essentials like TV subscriptions, as well as essential costs like school uniforms.

You should budget for family costs as a family. You also shouldn't lose out because you earn less due to your family responsibilities. I'm willing to bet that the current arrangement means that he ends up with more money to spend or save than you which is really unfair.

Pool both your incomes and pay all joint costs out of joint earnings, including topping up your pension contributions as much as is affordable/similar to his.

Use joint money to pay all bills and joint/family essentials including debt repayments - it sounds like your debt has built up due to paying a disproportionate amount of your earnings on family essentials like school uniforms. Also what about Christmas, birthdays, holidays? Does he not think the family needs/wants these things?

When the debt is paid off you need savings to pay for annual and irregular costs.

Once all the above is taken care of, you both split what is left for personal spending money that you can spend or save as you wish with no judgement from the other.

But you didn't get yourself out of debt last time. You were bailed out by a family members money, that you happened to inherit.
By the way, just because you think you "deserve" something (a holiday/ break, a new item of clothing, etc) doesn't mean you should purchase that stuff with money you don't have.
Live to your means, not your desires.

I agree with everyone. Also I'd be concerned about your ability to pay the money back. You didn't exactly clear your previous debt yourself if that was through inheritance. I wonder if that gave you a sense of complacency in a way.

@ALunchbox yes perhaps it gave me complacency. I'm just not able to accept responsibility for all of this mess just yet as @Bjorkdidit suggested I have been paying too much towards certain family essentials. We've both been made redundant and are both now in low paid jobs but I'm going to try my best to start working online and selling clothes on Vinted. Thanks for your patience with me ladies

Why have you been going on holidays and buying new shoes when you’re in debt? If he suggests a holiday but you can’t afford it just tell him that. You don’t need holidays, you need to be debt free.

I think it was about going away with the kids while they were still young and enjoying time as a family. We've only done cheap holidays anyway. Yha, camping and the odd sun holiday before they started school. The camping holiday was to take a friend away who had split from her hubby and was very low. She paid her way but we went as a break for her from all the shit going on at home. It was a bad decision financially as it turned out but a really needed and memorable break.

@Overthebow I've got 6 pairs of shoes to my name. Most needed for work (on feet all day). I'm not extravagant in that sense. I'd assume Mumsnetters to have a few more pairs than that?

I do have more than that, but I’m also not in debt. If I were then I wouldn’t be buying any unless I didn’t have any useable ones (one pair for work and one pair for home), and I wouldn’t be booking holidays no matter how much they’re needed. I’m not trying to have a go, just pointing out that not everyone does have the same mindset and things aren’t essentials.