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Original poster

Secret debt

34 replies

puddles15 · 02/03/2024 20:07

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place but really need some advice. Three years ago I found out my husband had £20000 debt that he had hidden from me. He fortunately borrowed from his dad to pay off the credit cards as the repayments were too much for him to pay. He set up a new manageable payment plan with his dad. He has nearly paid this off now thankfully. I was thinking of some home improvements that needed doing and said to my husband oh once the debt is cleared we can maybe think of saving to complete these improvements. Husband agreed. Today I found a letter which showed my husband has got a new credit card and spent £3000 on online gaming and hid this from me. I'm so angry. 😡

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Dacadactyl · 02/03/2024 20:10

Do you have children?

If not then I would be thinking this was the end of the road tbh.

How strongly did you hit the roof and lay the law down last time? Was he aware he was on madly thin ice with you?

Original poster
puddles15 · 02/03/2024 20:15

@Dacadactyl we have a five year old son. He knows how I feel about debt as I worked so hard to clear my own when I was younger. He also knows how I feel about lies but that didn't stop him. I'm so angry and I don't know what to do as this is causing me so much stress and upset. I'm too embarrassed to confide in friends as the last time this happened they said I was stupid for staying.

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takemeawayagain · 02/03/2024 20:15

He's a gambling addict and is only ever going to drag you down. You need to get yourself and you finances away from him asap. If the debt is only in his name then you probably won't be responsible for it despite being married.

PaminaMozart · 02/03/2024 20:16

Leave.
There is no other way of saving yourself.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/03/2024 20:17

Leave- he will drag you down, addicts rarely change and you have a child to think of

UpUpUpU · 02/03/2024 20:18

I would imagine this is just the tip of the iceberg. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Id definitely check your credit file. If you are with NatWest you can see it through your app.

Original poster
puddles15 · 02/03/2024 20:18

@takemeawayagain when I say gaming I don't mean gambling I mean some stupid game where you buy farms? How ridiculous that he has even got into debt again for the sake of getting higher in a game. It makes no sense. Because we are married I am worried how the debt affects me too x

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Original poster
puddles15 · 02/03/2024 20:19

@PaminaMozart I really feel like this may be the only option.

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Original poster
puddles15 · 02/03/2024 20:20

@UpUpUpU I've asked for copies of his credit card statement which he is being very sheepish about so you're probably right.

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Riverlee · 02/03/2024 20:23

£3000 is a huge amount. I’d be angry as well. Not only has he accrued a new debt, he has betrayed your trust. You thought he was reformed, and had learnt a lesson, and you were both working towards a common goal, but this hasn’t happened. The interest payments must be huge.

Original poster
puddles15 · 02/03/2024 20:26

@Riverlee I am hurt angry and feel so betrayed. I was thinking in 2 years maximum he will be debt free and we could have a better future with out huge repayments eating his monthly pay and now we are back to square one. He is remorseful but he was also remorseful last time and he still did it again.

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PaminaMozart · 02/03/2024 20:52

It's so, so easy to be remorseful.
Acting and following through, on the other hand...

Original poster
puddles15 · 02/03/2024 20:53

@PaminaMozart I know he isn't going to change I'm just unsure what my next steps should be.

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PaminaMozart · 02/03/2024 21:29

puddles15 · 02/03/2024 20:53

@PaminaMozart I know he isn't going to change I'm just unsure what my next steps should be.

Walk.

If you tell us what is stopping you, posters may be able to help...

Original poster
puddles15 · 02/03/2024 21:40

@PaminaMozart a child together and a mortgage. He has threatened to do silly things to himself before so I'm just scared I guess. I know walking is the right thing to do.

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TheChosenTwo · 02/03/2024 21:48

THREE FUCKING THOUSAND POUNDS ON GAMING?
Even if he could afford it I’d think that was stupid but he can’t so it’s beyond selfish and reckless. What a dick.
Sorry op.

Riverlee · 02/03/2024 21:50

That’s emotional blackmail.

Anything he decides to do (or not) is his decesion, and his decesion alone. Don’t let that sway you.

You need to put your child and yourself first. Do you want to spend the future paying off his debts, and wondering whether he is building up more.

£3000 over three years is roughly a hundred pounds a month. In this day and age, that’s a lot of money. people do have hobbies that can cost this, but in a good relationship, the money is transparent, not spent in secret.

Original poster
puddles15 · 02/03/2024 22:10

@TheChosenTwo this is the worst of it too. The fact that it was on some game. I have no idea what he got out of it but apparently was buying gems and farms at £99 a time. All too get higher on a level. He risked our marriage over a game. It makes me so sad. Thank you for the advice. I'm going to speak to a solicitor on Monday morning xxx

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Original poster
puddles15 · 02/03/2024 22:11

@Riverlee thank you for your advice. I completely agree with everything you've said. I know what I need to do and will speak to my solicitor on Monday morning. Xx

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Heartsdesire82 · 02/03/2024 22:15

That's totally reckless. After spending so long paying off his previous debts too.
I'd be so upset, so sorry.

Original poster
puddles15 · 02/03/2024 22:20

@Heartsdesire82 I am upset and angry. I'd never be so reckless but I'm guessing my husband doesn't care else he wouldn't have done it again. Xx

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NannyWanny1 · 03/03/2024 07:37

I have the same problem - found my H had an app on his phone with a CC I don’t know anything about but with a balance of £7,000 I’m raging. Obviously my wages are going towards paying this debt off as well. He’s doing online competitions constantly. He denies everything of Corz but I can’t see what he’s spending as on his app. So Puddles this is much more common - I’m ready to walk out the door

Original poster
puddles15 · 03/03/2024 07:44

@NannyWanny1 it's shocking isn't it. Really hope you're okay xx

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Alwaystransforming · 03/03/2024 07:46

My 13 year old loves gaming. He has rules around his account. Some of his money goes into savings every week, the rest is for his own spending. He could live money out, but he doesn’t. Because he isn’t an idiot and wouldn’t spend all his money on a game.

What was the original £20k spent on?

The fact is that he is a liar. You can’t trust him. He puts his need for moving further on, quicker, in a game above respecting you as his partner.

He is also emotionally abusive. Threatening to hurt himself when facing the consequences of his actions is emotionally abusive. He does what he wants, then manipulates your response.

There really isn’t a way out of this. And I say that as someone who got divorced, repeated hidden debt being one of the big reasons. You end up living on edge. You end up not trusting them about anything.

Original poster
puddles15 · 03/03/2024 08:57

@Alwaystransforming the original 20k was debt that he had accumulated over the years before I met him. He was paying minimal amounts off then ended up paying £600 a month off which he couldn't afford so I asked his dad to step in and help.
The fact it's been £3000 again from January 2023 to November 2023 shocks me. I know the only way out is out of this marriage and throughout our 10 years together there has been lie after lie. Xx

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