To feel let down by dh’s response

[Canoer]

Hi,

i’m really upset by dh today. For the last 3 years we’ve been on a mission to pay off debt. I say “we” but it’s actually me that sorts the budget, balance transfers etc etc. dh wants the debt to be gone and he’s not against us paying the debt off, but he’s happy to leave it to me, and gets fed up when I “keep talking about it”.

we have 4 credit cards between us and I shift the balances around depending on where the 0% offers are. 2 cards are in my name, and 2 in his. It’s always been ‘our’ debt, so I never thought it mattered who’s card we used for transfers etc. I make all of the debt payments as I earn a bit more than dh.

recently I shifted 5k onto one of the cards in his name as it was offering 0% for 12 months. This is something I’ve done many times. He’s never shown any interest.

today he actually looked at the statement and kicked off at me a bit about the 5k being transferred to his card. I’m upset bi his response as he’s made me feel as though I’ve been deceptive.

I’ve tried to engage him in the money stuff so many times. He always says that he trusts me to sort it. I also don’t see why it matters who’s card is being used- this is joint debt that we both created, and we are supposed to be a team😩

What did he actually say OP?

I can see both sides to this, legally the debt you have placed on his CC is not joint it’s his. This is what is commonly done when someone is being financially abused as it can trap them in a relationship due to needing the other person to pay the debt. It is also illegal to apply for credit on someone’s behalf.

from your side he hasn’t been engaging with the conversations and without you his debt would just continue.

how much do you have overall? Would it be better to pay a little interest and refinance it into a joint personal loan? This way the debt truly becomes joint.

You have to ask him if it’s ok to put 5k on his card. Don’t assume

I think I’m mostly upset because this is something that we’ve done before, to lower the cost of debt. I feel like he’s chosen not to engage, despite my efforts, and now he’s mad at me

Does he actually understand what you are doing when you move the money around, or does he think that you have somehow spent the 5k (not at the shops, but thrown it into a void of banking?).

Was he worried that he might have needed to pay for something using that card but now he can't, and he would have looked silly/had an awkward situation at a till/with a direct debit failing as he wasn't aware the money was gone?

In that scenario I’d be sitting so down for a ‘financial chat’

• at 0% we pay it for x months
• at 24-29% it’s x months

so which option do you want?

and since he’s so opinionated on the matter he will now be in charge of sourcing the cards, budgeting and looking at how your reduce your debt.

and if you’re continuing to do it once weekly he’ll be hearing about the next step, the cost etc.
no nonsense about not wanting to hear about it, he build it up equally and now is trying to Peter Pan his way out of it.

Out of interest what’s your total debt?

whilst you should have his permission for a credit card in his name, he didn’t want to discuss the debt and wanted you to sort it - no doubt in your name?

most weeks he’ll use my debit card for some purchase- Amazon etc. I don’t mind and don’t expect him to ask unless it’s large amount (in case I haven’t got the funds). I’ve just never seen our money as a separate thing

This would really annoy me OP. I would tell him he can be in charge of the finances if he's going to kick off like this. He can't leave it to you then object to you managing it.

Ask him if he’d prefer you to stop actively managing it, or join in.

Also surely even in separate names, married couples are jointly responsible.

About 25k but we’ll managed and with an end date

I might remind him that had his car finance in my name ( paid off now) and I never once considered saying no

But did he ask you before he put the car finance in your name? To put it another way - would you be pleased if he took out a 5K loan in your name without mentioning it, or took out a car finance for 5K in your name without your knowledge?

Whether you'd agree to it as you have is another matter - my question is about awareness of it and consent.

He is annoyed because he thinks he has been blindsided (which is true...but is due to his lack of engagement/shirking being an adult)

You are annoyed because you are carrying the mental load and doing all the heavy lifting.

This would boil my piss.

I would want a proper sit down this evening when things are calmer.
His choices are:
Get on board the debt management train with you
OR
he sits down and shuts up while you adult with no more complaints.

he can't eat his cake and have it.

Yes I did agree to it as it was a cheaper option and saved us money.

id never apply for a product in his name without asking, but that isn’t what’s happened here. We have cards that we(or I, as it would appear) move money to and from to reduce interest. I’ve really never thought about who’s name us on the card as it’s just our money/debt. I don’t think he would even know how to login!

Use you own money/credit cards to buy things, all this sounds like a real mess

I would be ever so unhappy if DH moved debt to my name on an existing card, or took out a new card and put debt on it. Either would absolutely not be ok.

For context: i do all our financial management and planning and he trusts me with all of it - but even in such a scenario I cannot think of not telling him before I out Xk debt on his name/credit file.

In the context of his longstanding disinterest YANBU but I could not be with such a manchild who has no drive to get themselves out of debt.

£25k is a massive amount, respect to you for tackling it.

You should have asked

i know he’s not engaging, and I know you’re doing all the work here, but it’s not ok to just move debt to someone else’s name without their knowledge.

She’s tried to talk to him!! I know what this is like, my Dh has no interest in the finances. We don’t have debt but if he wanted to object to something as innocuous as this when he’s never thought twice about putting bills on my name and I’ve spent 10 years trying to get him to engage I would hit the roof. I’d offer to split the debt and funds 50/50 we each take our own accounts and mind our own fucking financial business. And say but if I’ve finally paid off my half and you haven’t paid off yours I will leave you to find someone who’s either financially literate or trusts me. You cant be neither, that’s just being an asshole.

We aren’t really doing that though. We’re just using the cards as way of reducing costs/interest

Tell him if he doesn’t want you to actively manage the family debt, he needs to step up.

Discuss whether to split it 50/50 and each manage their share, or whether to discuss every decision in which case he needs to listen.

You aren’t his PA, obliged to keep him informed. Either he lets you do it, or he does it!

All you are doing is rearranging furniture to maximise the space. There’s no more debt as a result, in fact there’s less.

You can't force him to take an interest just because you enjoy it.
As long as he is paying his share.

You shouldnt put 5k on his card without asking. Each time you do it.

Has that maxed out his credit limit so he cannot buy something else?