Am I being unfair?

[Limincello]

Hi

12 months ago dh’s brother and his wife were having financial issues. We agreed to lend them 4K on the agreement that they paid back £200 per months, for 20 months,interest free . We put something in writing etc.we’re not wealthy and this was a fair chunk of our savings.

They have made every payment on time so I can’t fault them for that, however I just found out that they are going away tomorrow on a city break to go Prague.

I feel a bit miffed that they’re doing this When they still owe us money, dh says it’s not our business as they’re paying us back, but I think it’s a piss take

AIBU?

I would probably feel the same as you .. I don't blame you but I guess there's nothing you can do.
We had a similar situation ... it just grated that the relative was spending a lot of money on 'luxuries' (including a pedigree dog ) .... in the end we never got repaid the full amount and the poor dog ended up going to a rescue so my views are not very sympathetic although I appreciate this was an extreme example.

But the problem is as I said, this means the expectation is that they must justify all their expenditure until the loan is repaid. I don't think it is complicated. I think an agreement was drawn up, is being adhered to. I have lent money to family and no way would I want to police their spending for the entire time it's been paid back if it is being paid back. That's the only scenario where it becomes awkward or complicated. And would have made me some kind of modern day Ebenezer Scrooge..! She could afford to lend it or wouldn't have done so. Did OP add a clause saying during the repayment period you will run all potentially extra expenses past me in case you should be using that money to repay me faster than we actually agreed at the very start?

YABU

I am with you OP. Personally if me and even though paying back as agreed I would not be having holidays etc until such time as I had repaid a family member in full!

Sorry Catsnobest, I don't know how to directly reply/quote your comment. Yes, I see your point. Op shouldn't be policing their spending. But I also empathise with OP's feelings. As others have said, if it were a more extravagant holiday, that would be different. A citybreak to Prague is a low cost getaway.

YANBU. I would be really angry too. I can’t imagine going on holiday when I owed a family member money. They should be prioritizing paying back debt before any luxuries like holidays.

I’m torn. Yes they’re keeping to the 200 agreed, but what if they’d only agreed 200 instead of say 250 or 300 because that’s all they could afford, then they’re spending on non essentials

i think in their shoes I’d prioritise paying back someone who’s done me a favour over a holiday as I valued them and their help, and I guess I’d be disappointed to find out they didn’t feel the same

U are being U. Stop being controlling as they ARE paying u back so it's none of your business u nosey cow

Yes I respect that you empathise- but as I said where would it end? As long as repayments are being made and on time that should be that. I would in OPs situation perhaps not lend to family again if this is an issue. Because helping someone in good faith with an agreement in place that's being honoured should be all that matters. Anything beyond that ie what else they are spending money on etc etc will just obviously cause issues.

Those were the terms. Are they not allowed to enjoy their lives a little? £200 a month sounds fair as it means they can afford to pay you back as agreed but still have some quality of life.

It's probably 400/500 quid on a cheap getaway, maybe you'd feel right to feel pissed off if they'd spent a few grand on a 2 week holiday (maybe check their summer plans!) 🤣

I think I’d probably feel the same as you, and having a break away isn’t quite the same as heating and eating, a break is a luxury. Also it depends what made them in debt in the first place, was it because they were living above their means having holidays? Will they be in the same position in a few years and need another 4k?

But this means varying an agreement because one month they might have a bit more. That's where it would get really messy. That's why an agreement is important, stick to it, and it shouldn't get complicated.

I lent money from family and have paid back as agreed. I have also been to Dubai, Las Vegas and have booked and mostly paid for an US road trip. I’ve also had my bathroom redone in that time. I agreed a payment rate with the family member that we were both happy with and that I knew I could afford without compromising on holidays. I never said I would pay them back every penny I could.

I have also been saving to pay them back in half the agreed time, but they don’t know that and won’t until we make the final lump sum payment to them. I’m certain they have no issue with how we’ve lived our life as we’ve upheld our end of the agreement.

Exactly! Not I'll lend you this and agree on £200 a month but if I think you are spending money on things I don't approve of I'll break that agreement and want my money back quicker. Next it'll be wanting to see bank statements because a bit aggrieved over a weekend break. What's the difference? 🤷‍♀️

No I meant it may be op wanted 250 but they argued that was too much and they could only afford 200. Then spent on a holiday. I understand that might feel disappointing, and also like op has effectively lent them the holiday money

It’s just different attitudes. I’d feel like I was taking the piss if I did that while I still owed people money. You don’t.

I guess I also wouldn’t spend on holidays etc while I had a cr card debt or bank loan outstanding, I’d pay debts first then spend on luxuries

YABU you have a payment plan
you set and they are sticking to it. You don’t get to scrutinise their entire life

Yabu, they stuck to your terms

@HoleGuacamole u BORROWED money not lent. Jeez get it right ffs

Then obviously her only course of action is to ring up and say she wants a new agreement because they've gone on holiday. That will do wonders for family relations.Again, it was an agreement, they've stuck to it. If they've managed to put a bit aside for a cheap break and should be penalised for it...That's where it gets ridiculous

YABVU.

Do want them to sit in the dark eating their bread & water that tastes of misery until they've paid you back op?

Are you aware of any lender - including professional lenders- who stipulate a payment plan where 1) not only must you stick to agreed payments 2) but you must also not have a holiday for the duration of said plan?

Which bank stipulates such conditions please?

Oh they dont? Right. So this is something you've made up as a personal lender. Did you make that clear in the writing you did - i.e. that the conditions are 1) pay X each month and 2) whilst plan is running do not holiday/buy dishwasher/take kids glamping etc?

You loaned them money and they are paying it back at a rate they can afford and you were happy with.

Now you suddenly want to change the agreement because you've seen that they are spending some money on something else.

It's none of your business and YABVU to suddenly decide you want to change the arrangement.

I’m not saying that, just that I wouldn’t do it, I’d feel like I was taking the piss, and I’d understand op feeling a bit miffed, maybe a bit taken advantage of

no one is advocating her changing anything, she’s not even suggested that herself, it’s about how it feels