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Original poster

Child support payment contribution

36 replies

Adviceneeded6060 · 09/11/2023 11:30

Hi, I'm after some other people's opinons as I've found myself having some unwanted arguments with my partner. Here goes...

I have recently moved in with my girlfriend of 5yrs. She has a 17yr old daughter from a previous relationship. She receives approx £350pm from the father is CSA.

In deciding how much I should pay toward our monthly living costs my girlfriend has calculated all the bills (mortgage, insurance, gas, electric, water, sky tv, tv license) and simply divided this total amount by 2, asking me to pay half.

I have raised the issue that I think a contribution to the total bills before it is divided in 2 should be made out of the CSA she gets from the father as that money is for the daughters usage of electricity, water, mortgage etc. I've suggested a figure of 20% of the £350 to contribute towards the household bills.

I've also suggested that a further 20% be contributed towards the separate food bill before it is halved.

My girlfriend has taken a real issue with this saying the £350 she gets is way less that it costs her to pay for the daughter, mentioning this money goes to pay for clothing, pocket money, days out with boyfriend, unplanned expenses and holiday contributions.
My girlfriend does pay in full for her daughter to go on holiday with us each year, and the dad pays nothing towards it.
My argument to that is, holidays are luxury purchases not factored into CSA and it's up to my girlfriend and her daughters dad to come to some agreement on any extra contribution she wants him to pay towards a foreign holiday. He'd likely refuse as he begrudges paying what he does already, and he never takes his daughters on holiday so he couldn't say it balances itself out.

Am I being mean wanting some contribution from the CSA money she gets each month.

Ultimately I'm not her daughters dad and it ranckles me that I'm being asked to pay half of everything like I am?

One other factor to mention is when I moved in with my girlfriend my monthly outgoings even if I paid half of everything have significantly reduced. The rent I was paying in my apartment was twice what her mortgage was. She also raises this as a reason why I shouldn't complain, but I think that's irrelevant when working the bills out.

Advice needed please...

OP posts:
Thenewnewme · 09/11/2023 11:32

Move out. You have different financial expectations. All of this should have been discussed before you moved in.

I don’t think your gf is being unreasonable.

SgtJuneAckland · 09/11/2023 11:33

If you want to be part of the family enough to move in, you contribute to the family. You go out to eat together are you going to itemize what you've eaten from the bill so your PARTNER (think about that word) parts every penny for her daughter? You're already making a significant saving by moving into this woman's home. Don't like it, don't move in. These are small amounts she's not asking you to pay for her uni fees.

Tuesdayschild2006 · 09/11/2023 11:36

I think your girlfriend is right - £350pcm is not a lot to cover all of the other expenses for a 17 year old. If you're committed to your girlfriend and this is going to be a long term arrangement then things will change in time as her daughter leaves school and goes to uni/finds work etc. Also are your incomes exactly the same? Halving bills is fair but not clear who is left with the bigger disposable income - this may also be something you want to consider.

Morecladding · 09/11/2023 11:37

You've mentioned you're saving money by moving in. Will she lose entitlement to tax credits or anything like that? I think if you're not happy with it, live separately.

secondfavouritesocks · 09/11/2023 11:42

I agree - move out. Your GF is being entirely reasonable, but you don't have any idea at all of the costs of a 17year old. You dont have realistic expectations, and you are being very miserly and quibbling about real life costs, so I don't think you are compatible at all

Quitelikeit · 09/11/2023 11:47

I can sort of see your point but I’m afraid you have approached it all wrong.

You don’t want to subsidise the child and as there are 3 of you then you wanted a slight reduction of £35 a month on your share of the bills.

However if you rent was double and you are making a substantial saving each month then I think you have been a tad foolish here and also come across as a bit tight/mean.

I can’t stand greedy/penny punching traits in people so for me you’d be out the door sharpish! Although I must say I’d have this convo before moving you in and you’d not make it through the door!!!!!

AM130674 · 09/11/2023 11:48

Maintenance will stop when her DD is 18. I think you are being unreasonable and clearly don't intend to be a full part of their family.

FallingFeathers · 09/11/2023 11:48

You're arguing over a couple of grand total at most, which it sounds like you'd be spending more than by living alone anyway.
Even if you can't think generously at least try to appear like a kind thoughtful person. You'll have a much happier life than sitting alone grabbing at your money.

rwalker · 09/11/2023 11:48

I’d pay zero towards the mortgage and house maintenance that’s down to her it’s her house chipping In a few mortgage payments won’t get you a substantial stake in it if any in the house
as for the daughters expenses again nothing to do with you

I’d pay 2 thirds of household expenses/bills Basically your third then the other third for you being there rent free

call me cynical but soon CM and any related benefits will stop when the daughter turns 18 sounds like your financing the shortfall

Quitelikeit · 09/11/2023 11:50

@rwalker financing the shortfall how?!

In that case he can go back to his own property!

Original poster
Adviceneeded6060 · 09/11/2023 11:50

OK so we both earn exactly the same money, as we both do the same job. The childs father earrns more than I do, but not massively

At the minute we pay £200 per month each onto a prepay mastercard which we use whenever we go out for meals. This includes when we pay for her daughter which I have no problem with.

The increase in the utility bills from me moving in is negligible.

What's is CSA for then if not to pay towards gas, electric, tv, etc????

OP posts:
Lizzt2007 · 09/11/2023 11:52

I'm going to go against the grain here, basically there are three adults living in the house, so costs should be split three ways. Gf should pay two thirds(her and daughter) you a third (you). The fact that some of that may come from maintenance is irrelevant, maintenance is for just that, to cover living expenses. By splitting 50/50 you're contributing to 50% of daughters living expenses, when mum is receiving money from dad to cover that share. Yes you may be paying less than you were, but so is your partner, as she was paying it all before, now she has your contribution.

FallingFeathers · 09/11/2023 11:53

If the increase in utility bills from you moving in is negligible then the daughter must not be causing any increase either.

How about you pay the amount of rent and bills you were paying before? Then you won't feel hard done to, and it doesn't need to revolve around CM money which will be stopping soon anyway. For the record CM doesn't go anywhere near covering the costs of bringing up a child.

Quitelikeit · 09/11/2023 11:53

I don’t think child maintenance should be factored into his costs at all.

That money is for a child and is due to stop any time soon.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/11/2023 11:54

The increase in the utility bills from me moving in is negligible.

But presumably you were paying utility bills before so have had a massive reduction? Do you own your own separate house?

I don’t think you should be paying her mortgage-that’s a tricky one.

Quitelikeit · 09/11/2023 11:54

How much a month does she want you to pay?

FallingFeathers · 09/11/2023 11:55

It sounds better all round if you just stay renting. If you're resenting the daughter this much it's not going to be a nice atmosphere for her having you move into her house.

AM130674 · 09/11/2023 11:59

When I got together with my now DH, I earned double him and had two children aged 8 and 4. He moved into my rented property. I paid two-thirds of everything, proportionate to our incomes, not so any maintenance would be offset to reduce his contribution because it was fair my children contributed.

Celebrationsnakes · 09/11/2023 12:00

Lizzt2007 · 09/11/2023 11:52

I'm going to go against the grain here, basically there are three adults living in the house, so costs should be split three ways. Gf should pay two thirds(her and daughter) you a third (you). The fact that some of that may come from maintenance is irrelevant, maintenance is for just that, to cover living expenses. By splitting 50/50 you're contributing to 50% of daughters living expenses, when mum is receiving money from dad to cover that share. Yes you may be paying less than you were, but so is your partner, as she was paying it all before, now she has your contribution.

I agree with this.

Resilience · 09/11/2023 12:00

@Adviceneeded6060 you are not wrong to think that you should not have to subsidise someone else's child, particularly when there are two involved parents and one is paying a decent amount of CM to the other.

However, IMO you should not have moved in together if you felt like this. It's perfectly reasonable to feel as you do but it's not compatible with being a family unit. If you feel that strongly, I'd recommend you move back out. Your DPs daughter will be 18 soon and a legal adult. Rather than make things easier, I suspect it will make things worse.

My DH is not my DC's father. When we first began discussing him moving in, I told him that I would prefer to live separately unless he was able to take on all the financial, practical and emotional responsibilities for my DC as he would as their actual father. I freely acknowledged that this was an unreasonable ask but explained that as a parent my first duty was to my children and in their bed interests I could not have anyone move in unless it was on those terms because otherwise moving in would detract from their life at home.

PositiveLife · 09/11/2023 12:00

Firstly child maintenance bears no relation to the actual cost of raising a child. It's based on the non resident parent's income and the resident parent can use it however they wish.
Secondly, I expect your effect on the bills aren't as negligible as you expect (for starters she'll lose her 25% single person council tax discount) and I find it quite bizarre that you can describe the effect of you being 'negligible' on the bills, yet you feel differently about her daughter's effect on the bills Confused

Ultimately, if you're moving in because this is a long term thing, I'd be expecting you to take on the daughter as part of the family. I'd hate to move a man in that treated my child like that.

Morecladding · 09/11/2023 12:14

The increase in the utility bills from me moving in is negligible

As a PP said, council tax will increase by 25%. Are you planning on only watching TV when your girlfriend chooses to, sitting in the dark and switching off all heating when she's out. Not washing yourself or your clothes. Bringing in bottled water to drink, eating only cold unrefridgerated food, charging your phone at work? It sounds to me like you've moved in with a single mother to save yourself a few pounds. The term for that is a cock lodger.

Spirallingdownwards · 09/11/2023 12:24

Move out then. You are showing very unattractive traits. Save your GF hassle and heartbreak further down the line.

TeaKitten · 09/11/2023 12:34

She’s a single parent and will likely have lost some tax credits or UC with you moving in, and the single person council tax discount. You’ve saved a load of money. You sound stingy to be honest which is pretty unattractive. Just move out.

Original poster
Adviceneeded6060 · 09/11/2023 12:39

OK, just to add some more details, I get on great with my daughters child (well as best as any middle aged man can with a teenager) I have no resentment to her at all I think she's great, a really nice person. Same with my girlfriend, we have a right laugh most of the time.
I suppose I was playing devil's advocate when I first raised it with her, but her response was to get quite angry at me even suggesting a contribution was made. Her stock answer is 'what I get in CM is nothing to do with you'.

She has yet to register we with the council so she's still only paying a single persons council tax. I'd paid my council tax for my previous place in full so I guess nothing really has to change until March. Nobody will be moving into my previous apartment until then anyway as its undergoing renovations. I know I could claim some of this back by contacting the council and telling them I'd moved out, but then I'd have register at hers so her council tax would just increase.

My savinging per month from moving in are around £350-£400pm based on my previous rent, council tax, utility bills and Internet.
However she lives much further away from where I work so my diesel bill has gone up by at least £140pm. Also I have to pay half of her £60 sky bill and TV license when I never had a television in my old place (I prefer to read a book than watch TV) so that is an extra £180 I never paid previously. She also wants me to pay £50pm towards the new double glazing we've just had fitted (£100 per month repayments).

I'm not going to fall out with her, I'll just pay to keep peace and harmony but I just wanted to know what other people thought.

OP posts: