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Original poster

Debt stress and feeling ashamed

57 replies

Hoisinbin · 27/10/2023 07:15

Morning,

Had anyone just walked blindly into debt? We’re early 40’s, good jobs (combined 110kpa)
but we have 50-60k of debt between us. I’m angry and pissed off that we’ve let it happen, I’m also ashamed that as two supposedly educated people with good jobs, we’ve managed to be utter financial cockwombles.

we’re not struggling to pay etc but we need to sort it now. Cards are all chopped up etc.

everyone around is seems to be financially sorted and I feel like we’re the only ones to have this level of debt.

pleas tell me that we’re not alone 😫

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 07:19

I never had any debt other than half a mortgage. I’ve always only bought what I can afford.

MintJulia · 27/10/2023 07:21

Of course you aren't alone. The credit card and debt resolution industries would crumble if you were.

Don't feel ashamed either. You've recognised the problem before it causes an issue, and you're dealing with it. That's pretty good going.

theduchessofspork · 27/10/2023 07:29

DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 07:19

I never had any debt other than half a mortgage. I’ve always only bought what I can afford.

Helpful not

You certainly aren’t alone OP.

Contact step change today. They can help with freezing the total so the interest doesn’t continue to rise. They will also talk through options with you. If paying off the full debt isn’t realistic you can explore the option of only paying a certain amount - it will impact on your credit rating but not for ever.

They will help you negotiate and also help you with a budget- just cutting your cards up is unlikely to sort you out.

Contact them today.

Citizens advice are also helpful

Movingstresss · 27/10/2023 07:29

Me and my DP are a similar situation if it makes you feel better . We have a combined income of about 108k. but have about 35k in debt. We are selling our house so when we do we are getting rid of it all and I can't wait . We have only just got to this level of earning 4 years ago it was about £65k. And we bought a house , had a year mat leave so that's where it's from. We can budget with what we have now after paying the debt and still have holidays etc.

Although I am kicking myself and annoyed at us that we have 90k equity in the house and 35k is going on debt .

Pigeonqueen · 27/10/2023 07:31

DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 07:19

I never had any debt other than half a mortgage. I’ve always only bought what I can afford.

Why would you post this? 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

littleblackcat27 · 27/10/2023 07:31

@DustyLee123 well done - but not really what the OP was asking.

@Hoisinbin at least you have identified you have a problem. Is your other half on board with this? To tackle it together I mean.

This might be helpful> https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/

Pigeonqueen · 27/10/2023 07:32

Op you certainly aren’t alone, especially with the cost of living crisis recently more people are in debt than ever before. We are on an income that’s a fraction of yours and we have quite a lot of debt, mainly due to house repairs etc but also just trying to manage really. Like you we can afford it but it’s embarrassing and annoying. As long as you’re facing up to it and trying to tackle it that’s the main thing.

Exasperatednow · 27/10/2023 07:34

DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 07:19

I never had any debt other than half a mortgage. I’ve always only bought what I can afford.

Do you display this level of empathy in every day life?

Exasperatednow · 27/10/2023 07:35

Lots of people get into these sorts of problems. Shame is natural but not particularly helpful. You're getting sorted and that's a good thing. Don't let the shame stop you from asking for hel0 if you need it.

Teacherteachernotapreacher · 27/10/2023 07:37

I totally hear you. We are on a combined of approx 90k but had some building work that forced us to take on approx 40k in debt. I absolutely hate it and feel sick even thinking about it. We’ve just started slowly paying it off but there’s no end in sight and I regret it so much.

SoRainbowRhythms · 27/10/2023 07:43

DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 07:19

I never had any debt other than half a mortgage. I’ve always only bought what I can afford.

Would you like a badge?

ThreeCanKeepASecret · 27/10/2023 07:50

I had about £12k on interest free cards once and it kept me awake at night. Horrible horrible stress levels.

After my divorce I paid privately for ed psyc, counselling and therapy for DC. I’d taken on the family house and even though I earn a reasonable salary I had nothing spare.

The day I paid it off was freeing.

I write down every penny I spend and plan forward 12 months, always have done. But I’d used all my savings on the house.

I’d phone StepChange too, there’s no judgement from organisations like them, only help.

Hopingforno2in2023 · 27/10/2023 08:21

DH and I are early 30s and in a v similar situation. The feeling of shame is horrific but I know that that is not a good way to think about it. In our case it was a mix of so many things, work on the house, IVF and DH having a spending problem. I am determined that it will all be gone by my 40th birthday. Can you perhaps set a target for it to be gone as I do find that helps me manage.

Doingmybest12 · 27/10/2023 08:25

It's good thar you feel you need to get a grip and are in a position where you can chip away at it. You can get this sorted and develop new habits.

Doyouthinktheyknow · 27/10/2023 08:32

You certainly aren’t alone! It’s a very stressful thing!

You might find something like You Need a Budget app useful to track your spending. It helped me massively getting my finances under control.

It’s a bit counterintuitive because it costs £87 for a year but it’s been well worth it for us.

WrongSwanson · 27/10/2023 08:34

I had an amount of debt that felt overwhelming, I think about £12k but I was earning £30k ish at the time and a single mum with a mortgage too. It was debt from lawyer fees to try and protect myself and my children from my exH.

I made sure I paid more than minimum each month, and whenever I could work overtime or got any back pay from payrises etc I threw it at the debt.

It was such a good feeling when it was paid off! I am sure you can sort this

Linguist80 · 27/10/2023 08:45

DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 07:19

I never had any debt other than half a mortgage. I’ve always only bought what I can afford.

Fuck sake

WonderingWanda · 27/10/2023 08:46

You are undoubtedly not alone and I am almost certain that many of the people you know who seem financially sorted are actually juggling multiple debts. Have you seen how much things cost these days? I feel my age often when I utter the words 'how much?'.

I don't know what debts my friends have but would be surprised if they could've afforded their brand new cars outright at 50k a pop. I doubt they could have afforded their kitchen extensions, island units, array of fancy appliances, quartz worktops, solid wood flooring etc without credit. Or the hot tubs, new driveways, loft conversions, fancy new gadgets (ebikes, peloton etc), gym memberships and so on based on what I roughly think they earn.

We too have not been able to get by without debts....although much less due to learning my lesson early (with irresponsible credit cards spending and a car loan I spent my 20's clawing my way out of debt). I now feel like the poor relation around all my friends because I have fewer nice things to show for if but the reality is that I probably have more actual money and way less debt than them.

Don't feel ashamed. Just make a plan to deal with the debt and plug away at it. Lots of useful advice from people on here about where to get help. Remember that life doesn't have to be expensive to be enjoyable. Take up some free hobbies like running or walking. Tell all your friends you are going green and will be reducing your consumption of resources- everyone can expect an ethical gift this Christmas (thoughtful second hand books wrapped in newspaper) or something like that. Get busy selling stuff you don't need to give you some spending money for a few treats now and then - it won't work if it's all austerity. Good luck op.

MummyDummyNow · 27/10/2023 08:49

@DustyLee123 well done you. Thank you for telling us all how wonderful you are. Your post I am sure has really helped OP.

WonderingWanda · 27/10/2023 08:50

@DustyLee123 I find that incredibly hard to believe in this day and age. So many things now require you to set up some form of debit/credit such as energy bills where you pay a fixed monthly amount and actually go into debt some of the year or nobile phone contracts etc

It's also unhelpfully smug, I hope it made you feel good to type that because it made you look like a bit of a prat.

bellalou1234 · 27/10/2023 08:50

F

WrongSwanson · 27/10/2023 08:53

WonderingWanda · 27/10/2023 08:50

@DustyLee123 I find that incredibly hard to believe in this day and age. So many things now require you to set up some form of debit/credit such as energy bills where you pay a fixed monthly amount and actually go into debt some of the year or nobile phone contracts etc

It's also unhelpfully smug, I hope it made you feel good to type that because it made you look like a bit of a prat.

It shouldnt be that hard to believe .it's not at all unusual to not have any debt and it's odd to normalise it. We have cheap handset's and pay as you go for phones.(and household income is higher than ops)

romdowa · 27/10/2023 08:55

Budgeting is your friend here , you can be as ruthless as you want to be . Sit down, make a plan and decide when you want it paid off and how you can make that happen. Highest interest loan should be priority and then go from there. There's no point in beating yourself up but learn from the mistakes instead of repeating them.

NatMoz · 27/10/2023 09:00

DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 07:19

I never had any debt other than half a mortgage. I’ve always only bought what I can afford.

The OP asks if she is not alone in having debt and was hoping for some reassurance that whilst she accepts she is in debt, there are others like her in a similar position.

Do you feel your comment answered her question? Genuinely?? If so, how was it helpful? What tips and guidance did you provide her here?

What was the purpose of this post other than to be antagonising?

SquashPenguin · 27/10/2023 09:04

DustyLee123 · 27/10/2023 07:19

I never had any debt other than half a mortgage. I’ve always only bought what I can afford.

Here’s the medal you obviously wanted 🏅

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