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Original poster

Household finances at Christmas/birthdays

50 replies

Honeybee798 · 28/09/2023 11:57

NC for this as this could be outing.

This will be our first Christmas as a family of 3 (DH, DC and I). For context, we used to split all household costs 50:50, and DH used to buy all presents for his own family and I would buy all presents for my own family. We’ve never done a Christmas Day at home because our house is tiny so we couldn’t host, so we’d buy food and drink to take to whoever was hosting.

Incase it’s relevant, our DC was born on Christmas day so this will be their first birthday and Christmas so I’m wondering how to navigate splitting costs. We now do a 70:30 split on bills as I was ending up with very little after the increased costs since DC was born. We go 50:50 on everything else such as holidays, days out, things for DC and we don’t have any family money or shared money.

I’m happy with us both continuing to buy the gifts for our own family’s but I’m now sure whether Christmas would be considered a family expense now we have DC? Equally, should I do all the shopping and ask DH for his share of the costs or should I buy DC certain gifts and DH buy others? Only issue is he is notorious for leaving his shopping until the last minute so I won’t have much time to wrap everything given we’ll have birthday gifts too.

Sorry, I know this is long and rambly but I want to enjoy Christmas and not end up arguing with DH as I’ve suggested something unfair.

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 28/09/2023 12:00

Honestly bigger issue here, you need to pool all money now you have a child. Seems ridiculous to be splitting things. And then buy everything from shared money, assuming you spend a similar amount of each side of your family. Seems so petty and a headache to be dividing things like this

doodleygirl · 28/09/2023 12:03

is this really how to live? It must be so draining, surely it’s just easier to pool everything?

BodenCardiganNot · 28/09/2023 12:03

we don’t have any family money or shared money.

Would you consider changing this? You have a child together, why not share money?

Original poster
Honeybee798 · 28/09/2023 12:11

I’d be happy to share money, but DH has said no. Sadly, I cannot force this. I just tend to ask for money for DC if it’s needed and I’m low on funds.

OP posts:
LolaJ87 · 28/09/2023 12:13

Honeybee798 · 28/09/2023 12:11

I’d be happy to share money, but DH has said no. Sadly, I cannot force this. I just tend to ask for money for DC if it’s needed and I’m low on funds.

This sounds like your problem then. People will give you loads of advice here but if your DH won't get onboard then it won't work. What are his reasons for refusing? You can still keep your own accounts and personal money, it just makes things easier to have a joint pot as well.

WobbliHead3000 · 28/09/2023 12:14

Not sure if this idea will work for you, but we put an amount into joint savings each month and things like big bills (insurances etc), gifts, special dates etc are paid from this. It helps because big expenses don’t feel like so much of a burden and we can just have a chat beforehand to agree how much we’ll allocate to each event/expense.

Original poster
Honeybee798 · 28/09/2023 12:16

WobbliHead3000 · 28/09/2023 12:14

Not sure if this idea will work for you, but we put an amount into joint savings each month and things like big bills (insurances etc), gifts, special dates etc are paid from this. It helps because big expenses don’t feel like so much of a burden and we can just have a chat beforehand to agree how much we’ll allocate to each event/expense.

This sounds like a good idea. Might take a while to get him onboard (took a year for him to agree to a joint account and splitting bills based on income). But I can ask him!

OP posts:
Somanycats · 28/09/2023 12:16

Honeybee798 · 28/09/2023 12:11

I’d be happy to share money, but DH has said no. Sadly, I cannot force this. I just tend to ask for money for DC if it’s needed and I’m low on funds.

This is mad. Why did you marry him? Divorce him now and show him how finances in the legally binding contract of marriage really work.

underneaththeash · 28/09/2023 12:21

Just sit down and ask him if he's rather do the shopping himself or go 50/50 on what you buy?

OP also make sure as part of the conversation that childcare and household stuff is also based on financial contributions. So say your overall split is 60.40, you shouldn't be doing more than 60% of the childcare/house stuff.

Original poster
Honeybee798 · 28/09/2023 12:28

Somanycats · 28/09/2023 12:16

This is mad. Why did you marry him? Divorce him now and show him how finances in the legally binding contract of marriage really work.

Show quote history

Not really helpful. I just want to know if we should split Christmas equally (50:50) or should it be considered as a household expense and so be 70:30?

OP posts:
calyxx · 28/09/2023 12:36

Fwiw we put a proportion of our incomes into a joint account and do all family expenses incl xmas from that. Atm one of us pays twice as much as the other to reflect different incomes. Childcare comes out of that account too. The higher earner pays for extra nice stuff on top eg meals out.

RosieRainbow1986 · 28/09/2023 12:43

I'd consider it a family expense! I think the idea someone mentioned about putting money in a joint a/c and all birthdays etc coming out of this pot. Seems like the easiest way and hopefully you won't have the headache all the time of sorting out who owes what. Fingers crossed you can come to a solution you both agree on!

Magenta65 · 28/09/2023 12:46

Personally me and DP will never pool money and would do the following. I would continue to buy your own families as this has worked until now. You agree of DCs gifts or budget and someone takes charge of buying this each contributing 50/50 (or whatever your agreed split would be).

FinallyHere · 28/09/2023 12:58

we don’t have any family money or shared money.

How much rent did he pay for the use of your womb. Exaggerating for effect to try and demonstrate how unfair this is.

Oh, did he not want to share that, either.

So many red flags. Sorry. Hope you can get him to wake up.

FinallyHere · 28/09/2023 13:03

For what's it's worth, DH and I do not share funds. We run a household account for the 'household' which covers pretty much everything. We contribute to that in proportion to our incomes. If it's running low we top it up.

It's not about the account, it's about paying your fair share and how the fairness is determined by your relative incomes. Especially when you have DC so your income is impacted.

How much had his income been impacted by your DC? Thought not.

hattie43 · 28/09/2023 13:24

It's a very strange set up OP. I'd be nervous married to someone with such a self interested view of his finances . You are a family so money should be pooled and all costs come out of that . If you came into an inheritance would he accept it's your money alone ?

dkdkjf · 28/09/2023 13:42

OP as has been said this is a much bigger issue than Christmas that needs addressing, it's not appropriate.

Iamnotanugget · 28/09/2023 14:14

I'm sorry you're getting a tough time here Honeybee. You obviously feel things work for you and they sort of do as you have said that you sometimes run out of money and DH tops you up. This suggests that DH earns more than he spends so say, for example, he says he'd really like a family holiday in Mexico, what are you going to do? Save and save to cover your half of the cost of dcs flight and then not be able to go yourself? You have a child, you are a family of 3, rather than him being rich and you always poor surely the fair way is that everyones contribution is valid be it time or money and you could potentially all enjoy a holiday in Spain instead?

My DH earns roughly 9 times what I do. I all goes in one pot and then we both get the same amount of pocket money every month. Yes, I work in paid employment far fewer hours than him but I do all the school runs, all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, dentist appointments etc

In the eyes of the law all your money is family money. You can't claim UC just because DH likes to hold on to his money. This is why other posters are worried you are leaving yourself vulnerable

Have a lovely Christmas with your dc

howmanyflutes · 28/09/2023 14:23

Everything including Christmas should be considered a household expense

Pleaseme · 28/09/2023 14:28

Buy for your own families. Christmas presents/ birthday presents for your dc are a joint expense.

Original poster
Honeybee798 · 28/09/2023 15:05

Iamnotanugget · 28/09/2023 14:14

I'm sorry you're getting a tough time here Honeybee. You obviously feel things work for you and they sort of do as you have said that you sometimes run out of money and DH tops you up. This suggests that DH earns more than he spends so say, for example, he says he'd really like a family holiday in Mexico, what are you going to do? Save and save to cover your half of the cost of dcs flight and then not be able to go yourself? You have a child, you are a family of 3, rather than him being rich and you always poor surely the fair way is that everyones contribution is valid be it time or money and you could potentially all enjoy a holiday in Spain instead?

My DH earns roughly 9 times what I do. I all goes in one pot and then we both get the same amount of pocket money every month. Yes, I work in paid employment far fewer hours than him but I do all the school runs, all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, dentist appointments etc

In the eyes of the law all your money is family money. You can't claim UC just because DH likes to hold on to his money. This is why other posters are worried you are leaving yourself vulnerable

Have a lovely Christmas with your dc

Thanks for your reply. Sorry, maybe I’ve not been super clear but what I meant by him giving me money is that he pays me back his ‘half’ of whatever I’ve spent on DC if I’m running low on money. When DC was first born he wasn’t doing this, he just expected me to fund DC alone but I was also paying 50:50 bills so I was struggling and having to use my credit card a lot. It’s better now as he does at least pay me back when I ask. He’s never given me money to fund myself IYSWIM.

Regarding holidays, we go halves based on what I can afford I suppose. I do use my credit card sometimes to make sure I don’t ever owe him as it’s not something either of us like. If I couldn’t afford a big trip, I’m not sure what would happen as I always find a way to make it work.

I do work FT when not on mat leave but I do all household and childcare so I am a bit stuck as I don’t have evenings or weekends free to further my own income, but such is life. I don’t really think it’ll ever change so I just accept and hope to make the best of things for DC.

Thank you!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 28/09/2023 15:15

When DC was first born he wasn’t doing this, he just expected me to fund DC alone

Is he one of those men who seems to think your child is your personal hobby, rather than a child that you have both created and have responsibility for?

What everyone else said, but you talk about him leaving present buying too late for you to have time to wrap them - I wouldn't have a problem with this as it wouldn't be me who was wrapping them, so he can buy them at a time of his choosing.

Quitelikeit · 28/09/2023 15:17

Gosh I hate a greedy tight mean man!

sounds like me and your husband wouldn’t get along!

does he have a lot more disposable income than you? Does he know how much nursery fees are? Will he pay half? Or 70pc?

dkdkjf · 28/09/2023 15:21

I don’t really think it’ll ever change so I just accept and hope to make the best of things for DC.

Or you could leave and find the happiness you and your child deserve, he's not really a good role model for your child is he? That's how shit like this repeats itself in future generations. Nip it in the bud now and stop accepting it.

Kilopascal · 28/09/2023 15:27

he just expected me to fund DC alone but I was also paying 50:50 bills
Fucking hell, the stingy bastard.

How did he think his child would be provided with food, a house and care? Or has he never given it a thought (in which case he's a thick stingy bastard)?

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