Household finances at Christmas/birthdays

[Honeybee798]

NC for this as this could be outing.

This will be our first Christmas as a family of 3 (DH, DC and I). For context, we used to split all household costs 50:50, and DH used to buy all presents for his own family and I would buy all presents for my own family. We’ve never done a Christmas Day at home because our house is tiny so we couldn’t host, so we’d buy food and drink to take to whoever was hosting.

Incase it’s relevant, our DC was born on Christmas day so this will be their first birthday and Christmas so I’m wondering how to navigate splitting costs. We now do a 70:30 split on bills as I was ending up with very little after the increased costs since DC was born. We go 50:50 on everything else such as holidays, days out, things for DC and we don’t have any family money or shared money.

I’m happy with us both continuing to buy the gifts for our own family’s but I’m now sure whether Christmas would be considered a family expense now we have DC? Equally, should I do all the shopping and ask DH for his share of the costs or should I buy DC certain gifts and DH buy others? Only issue is he is notorious for leaving his shopping until the last minute so I won’t have much time to wrap everything given we’ll have birthday gifts too.

Sorry, I know this is long and rambly but I want to enjoy Christmas and not end up arguing with DH as I’ve suggested something unfair.

I can't understand what this man brings to your life. You do all childcare, all housework and work full time. And he works and keeps his money.

Sounds like two people just living together as a house share rather than a family with joint and equal needs and responsibilities

How much do you get paid for childminding? I take it your dh pays you 50% of the going rate, I mean he'd not be expecting his child to be looked after for zero and then expecting that same person to contribute 50% to presents etc and 30% to household bills

Idon’t really think it’ll ever change

you be better off financially, if you split as then he'd have to pay towards his child through child maintenance and you'd get UC even when you return to work unless youre earning over £40k per annum

he is financially abusing you

What's his reason for saying you should cover 100% of child costs? It the child not his? Did you not go into having a child both wanting to start a family?

As has been stated once a family is started money is pooled proportionate to income. Any costs related to child and household (food , utilities,presents for kids,stuff,clothes,childcare,family xmas) should shared proportionate to income.

Are you able to list out his arguments against this and maybe we can help you formulate a rational response? Your current situation is not right and should change.

Ah..just seen that he does split child stuff 50/50 but his arguments against pooled and proprionate family money would still be interesting to understand. I'm sure they wouldn't stand up to scrutiny.

All the money in together,

You need a full disclosure conversation about finances, so you know exactly what he earns, and you look at all the income coming in and all the expenses going out and make sure that everything is covered.

Why did he initially say that you should cover everything for DC, is it not his child?

Wtaf OP!! You deserve so much better than this!

what happened to men taking pride in providing for their families?!

They want their wives to work, pay 50%, birth their children and do all childcare and housework! Whilst all they have to do is go to work?!

For context my DP would rather shovel shit than see me and our dc go without. He would literally rather have holes in his shoes than see me and dc not provided for.

I work and we put all finances in the same pot. We did the minute we moved in together and decided to have dc and we’re not even married yet.

We jointly save for Christmas all year. I then do the shopping and buy all the presents out of that. Could you do something similar ( although appreciate that may need to start for next Christmas).

Unfortunately these are questions you should have discussed before marriage and parenthood.

If he wants to retain a bank account fine but he needs to be transferring in dc expenses and a big extra ti save for family expenses each month. You shouldn't have to ask for money.

God what a shitty life.

Easy - both keep paying for your own family’s gifts. Set a budget for your dc and pay 50/50. Same goes for food and drink.

I do work FT when not on mat leave but I do all household and childcare so I am a bit stuck as I don’t have evenings or weekends free to further my own income, but such is life. I don’t really think it’ll ever change so I just accept and hope to make the best of things for DC.

Leave while your child is still young. If you genuinely think you’ve signed up to a life of doing all the housework, childcare and parenting responsibilities, and being financially disadvantaged forever, leave now.

How you split Christmas spending is tinkering round the edges.

Leaving the relationship issue aside, I don’t understand why you’ve agreed 70-30 on bills but everything else 50-50? Couldn’t you move to 70-30 on everything including your DC? I don’t like that you have to ask to be ‘reimbursed’ - you need a separate account for DC that he contributes to.

Then you just set a budget of what needs to be contributed monthly, which includes what you want to spend annually on gifts, clothes, childcare, activities etc.

Christmas presents are the least of your problems OP, I am sorry. This is not what marriage should be.

Set up a savings account for Christmas and put a monthly amount in. Work out who you want to buy for and approximate budget. Pay in proportionally to your income.

Why don't you use your joint account for joint expenses as well as bills? Anything for the house or child should come out of this, you both increase your contributions proportionally to cover it.

To answer the question, kids Christmas presents are a family expense and should come from joint funds, as should any extra food or hosting or tickets to pantos.

Presents to family could be kept separate if you have a different budget for your mum versus his.

Both increasing the joint account payments and then using that to cover join costs would solve your issues and prevent all the faff with transfers etc.

As others have said the simplest if you have a house and child together and are married is to pool income and expenditure. We have always done that and we each have a personal account but have same monthly spends.

From the sound of it your husband is unwilling to pool income and expenditure. In terms of income how is that split between you? Does he earn a lot more than you? I would work out all family expenditure. Bills, food, household costs, presents, family holiday,car and running costs, childcare and expenses for your DC. Add up the yearly cost and divide by 12 and you put in a monthly amount proportional to income. Point out as you do bulk of house stuff and looking after DC you are disadvantaged as you don't have free time or flexibility to earn more. This would be a big red flag to me though if a man is willing to share his life but not his finances.

DH and I don't pool our incomes. We both pay equal amounts into household budget and all expenses like bills, clothes for DC, gifts to others but not to each other, dentist, DC pocket money, any school expenses etc. We earn similar amounts DH from his employment and me from a combination of pension, annuity and btl income. Our own salaries go into our own accounts and we both pay into the household budget accounts. I save far more of my money than DH does. We both pay half when we go on holiday together but if I go on a week away with my sister I pay and if DH goes on a golf weekend he pays. We buy each other gifts from our own accounts. If I choose to treat my sister or niece I don't tell him as it comes out of my own account.

Your child is a household expense.

This includes presents for him, but also in the future, clubs, uniform, parties he attends and needs a present for, school trips etc.
You need to get this sorted as otherwise you will end up paying more than your share for child stuff.

Yes this is true. You have a very mean DH, OP.

Why on earth did he think you should pay for everything for Dc? That’s so far from normal or reasonable, it’s hard to understand. It’s verging on financial abuse.

You really need to get something more workable agreed, Christmas is the least of your troubles.

We just pool all of our money and all of the gifts for everyone come out of there. I couldn't handle the hassle of having to work it out any other way, and it does genuinely seem fairer to just pool resources.

I was about to say that men like this think that children are a female hobby but BarbaraofSeville beat me to it. Bit like keeping an expensive racing bike or a vintage car!
I hope you're billing the tight-fisted git for housekeeping/childcare services at the going market rate. Make sure you tot up every potato you peel and dish that you wash because he clearly begrudges you every penny.