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Original poster

To not accept dh's 'anger'

29 replies

sunnycider · 09/09/2023 14:44

Hi,

DH and I have been together 20 years, 2 dc's, mortgage ( nearly paid). We have always maintained separate finances. This was something that we both wanted and it has ( up until now anyway) worked out ok for us. We both like to have our own accounts as we have different interests etc.
It;s been quite an expensive 6 months for me and I have built up a bit of debt on my credit card - my total balance is now 5K. I have transferred it to a 0% card and have set up a payment to clear it within the interest free period. Old card is cut up etc etc. I am not someone who runs up debt cyclicallly.

DH found out about this and was really shitty with me, to the point of being angry. I don't get it. He has a car on finance ( mine is an older car bought outright) but that's fine, as that was his choice.

Given that we keep our finances separate, I don't feel that I need to ask permission to use my credit card, or to take out another to reduce interest etc. He has his own credit card and as far as I am concerned that's his business.

I know that this will seem alien to couples who pool finances, but we don't. I just don't feel that I need to justify myself to him over this. AIBU?

OP posts:
FannyBawz · 09/09/2023 14:46

5k over 6 months? I’d be angry !

mynameiscalypso · 09/09/2023 14:47

We also have separate finances. I have no idea how much DH has on his credit card and he has no idea how much I have. So long as we both transfer what's needed to the joint account to cover bills and outgoings, that's all that we care about. If you're planning to pay off your own credit card debt (and without it causing you any difficulty), I don't see an issue.

Pipersouth · 09/09/2023 14:48

We are the same - as long as you are managing your debt I don’t see the problem! He has a car debt (admittedly with something to show for it) that he decided to get. Mine often goes up and down but managed debt saves a fortune if done right eg pay for year of car insurance in one go saves

Original poster
sunnycider · 09/09/2023 14:49

FannyBawz · 09/09/2023 14:46

5k over 6 months? I’d be angry !

for clarity, I had about 2k before, so it's been 3k over 6 months. Not going to share the specifics but it wasn't lots of shopping etc. It was something quite specific that isn't going to occur again.

OP posts:
Clefable · 09/09/2023 14:49

I think if you don't pool finances then it's none of his concern. But this is exactly the kind of situation where it seems bizarre that instead of a long-term married couple helping each other out, you've had to put £5k on a credit card instead.

But at the end of the day he has debt too, so he's being a hypocrite.

IncompleteSenten · 09/09/2023 14:49

It's the arrangement that you have both agreed and as long as it's not financially affecting him and won't in the future in any way I don't see why he is bothered.

UndercoverCop · 09/09/2023 14:49

Why is he angry? Will it stop you contributing at much to shared finances? Will it stop you doing things together when the mortgage is paid off and you should have more disposable income? Is he just frustrated about what you've spent it on? DH really fritters his disposable income on crap, meal deals, games, coffees etc and we get a very good amount each but he never had anything left at the end of the month so if we want to do anything we either don't, or I have to pay reduce frustrates me as all bills are paid, joint savings accounted for and then we get exactly the same disposable income.
You're also linked financially so your financial behaviours will affect his credit rating.
The bit that strikes me as odd though is that he had to find out about it, do you not talk about money at all?

Icannotthinkofaname · 09/09/2023 14:50

I think that's a lot of debt over 6 months but if you didn't discuss his car loan then he doesn't have much right to be angry about this.
However, I would wonder if he is worrying about his own credit rating as if you have a joint mortgage you are financially linked beyond just being married in the eyes of the banks.

mynameiscalypso · 09/09/2023 14:51

I do think MN is generally quite risk-averse to credit cards so that might skew responses whereas my view is that they can be a sensible way to manage outgoings, especially on 0% card and where there is a large one off expenditure. Spreading the cost with no interest is generally more sensible then taking it out of savings, for example, and losing the interest you earn on it.

jackstini · 09/09/2023 14:52

If keeping things separate is what you agreed on, and he didn't ask you about his car purchase, then on the surface, he has no right to be angry

Unless you've spent it all on male strippers and can't afford your half of the family holiday or something..?!

MixedTocopherols · 09/09/2023 14:55

YANBU at all. Anger isn’t an appropriate response from him.

If he’s worried about the family finances he should bring it up and you can have a conversation, but of course it’s not his place to tell you off. In any case, it sounds like you are handling it fine.

Basically his default should be to treat you as a responsible adult and his equal, not an errant teenager.

Icannotthinkofaname · 09/09/2023 14:56

And I know I shouldn't say this, and really it is each to their own, but I can't imagine being in a relationship where big spending decisions aren't made together.
I get paid into my own account, rather than joint one DH gets paid into but still if I'm spending over say £100 I would mention in passing afterwards and over a couple of hundred I say "I'm thinking of spending..."

mynameiscalypso · 09/09/2023 15:01

Icannotthinkofaname · 09/09/2023 14:56

And I know I shouldn't say this, and really it is each to their own, but I can't imagine being in a relationship where big spending decisions aren't made together.
I get paid into my own account, rather than joint one DH gets paid into but still if I'm spending over say £100 I would mention in passing afterwards and over a couple of hundred I say "I'm thinking of spending..."

Whereas I can't imagine the reverse. Last week I spent a bit of money (c. £400) on some new boots, work stuff and a jacket. I wouldn't think to say anything to my DH. It's money, I like knowing I can spend it on what I want.

Icannotthinkofaname · 09/09/2023 15:09

mynameiscalypso · 09/09/2023 15:01

Whereas I can't imagine the reverse. Last week I spent a bit of money (c. £400) on some new boots, work stuff and a jacket. I wouldn't think to say anything to my DH. It's money, I like knowing I can spend it on what I want.

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People are so different aren't they?
That said £400 is our mortgage payment and I definitely wouldn't just go out and spend that much anyway.😃

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 09/09/2023 15:14

Icannotthinkofaname · 09/09/2023 14:56

And I know I shouldn't say this, and really it is each to their own, but I can't imagine being in a relationship where big spending decisions aren't made together.
I get paid into my own account, rather than joint one DH gets paid into but still if I'm spending over say £100 I would mention in passing afterwards and over a couple of hundred I say "I'm thinking of spending..."

This. ^ DH and I have always had joint finances (since we had our first child anyway,) and I find this your money/my money thing very odd - when you're married - and definitely when you have children! I do find that if one person in the couple (usually the woman!) suddenly has less income - eg, when she has a baby - the man in the couple, seems to be deeply resentful that he has to help support her.

Separate finances does not work long term IMO, and I would not ever be with a man who wanted to do that long term. Especially as men earn more than women most of the time, and their career/income is not affected by having children. (Cue a raft of women saying THEY earn 2-3X more than their DH! Don't waste your breath! I know men are higher earners overall!!!)

If my DH had racked up £5K in 6 months, you can bet I would be angry too. You may have 'separate finances' @sunnycider but if you start hitting the skids, I am sure you will expect your husband to help you financially. You are MARRIED. You should be sharing/pooling finances and discussing big spends with each other, not racking up shit load of debt, and then letting your husband know. I bet if you split up, you would expect half of everything of his. Of COURSE this is his business!

saffronsoup · 09/09/2023 15:16

Given you are married, your debt is marital debt no matter how your finances are divided.

Original poster
sunnycider · 09/09/2023 15:17

Thanks for the posts. Lots of different views which I expected! I should add that aside from this, our marriage is good and we rarely disagree of argue.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnycider · 09/09/2023 15:18

saffronsoup · 09/09/2023 15:16

Given you are married, your debt is marital debt no matter how your finances are divided.

Hi, thanks for posting but that isn't true if it's an account in a sole name. My credit card debt is my debt only. Spouses are not liable for each others personal debts - I only know this as it's something that crops up at work from time to time.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnycider · 09/09/2023 15:20

UndercoverCop · 09/09/2023 14:49

Why is he angry? Will it stop you contributing at much to shared finances? Will it stop you doing things together when the mortgage is paid off and you should have more disposable income? Is he just frustrated about what you've spent it on? DH really fritters his disposable income on crap, meal deals, games, coffees etc and we get a very good amount each but he never had anything left at the end of the month so if we want to do anything we either don't, or I have to pay reduce frustrates me as all bills are paid, joint savings accounted for and then we get exactly the same disposable income.
You're also linked financially so your financial behaviours will affect his credit rating.
The bit that strikes me as odd though is that he had to find out about it, do you not talk about money at all?

tbh we rarely discuss money. Not for any other reason other than we just don't! Perhaps we need to start doing that!

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 09/09/2023 15:22

It depends on what you were spending on. A three legged "dead cert" at Newmarket races then he's every right to be annoyed. If it was for stuff you NEED (not WANTED- there's a difference) for your SHARED house or SHARED children then no, he's no right to be angry.

Loopytiles · 09/09/2023 15:26

Is the split of what you pay for fair? Were the costs that led to your debt unavoidable or ‘discretionary’?

if, for example, DH has a lot more disposable income than you, and you used the money to replace broken appliances, dental care or whatever, DH is being VU.

saffronsoup · 09/09/2023 15:26

sunnycider · 09/09/2023 15:18

Hi, thanks for posting but that isn't true if it's an account in a sole name. My credit card debt is my debt only. Spouses are not liable for each others personal debts - I only know this as it's something that crops up at work from time to time.

Show quote history

Good to know. In that case, he might have an opinion but not his issue to get angry about if there is no fall out for him.

MintJulia · 09/09/2023 15:39

yanbu. He has a car loan. You have an 'everything else' loan. Both have payment plans that will clear them outright.

Yours is 0% so not expensive. Is his 0%?

The only two reasons I can see for him to be angry is if you need to remortgage and the level of debt is forcing you to take less favourable terms. But if that is so, he should have thought about not wasting money on a new car.

Or if you've spent it buying gifts for your good looking 22yo tennis coach 😀

AcrossthePond55 · 09/09/2023 16:34

As long as your repayment plan doesn't mean you can't meet your share of the necessary household expenses, he needs to pipe down.

A little more 'questionable' area is whether or not your repayment plan means that you can no longer do the things the two of you normally do or that he'll have to pay more for you to do them. I mean things like meals out, 'fun' activities, little treats, that sort of thing. I can see feeling a little miffed if my DH was telling me "No, I can't afford to do XX because I'm paying off my debt. If you want to do XX you'll have to pay for both of us" to things we normally shared expenses on.

Not to say that paying off your debt shouldn't be your priority. I'd understand it, even agree with it, but I'd still be miffed that you got yourself into debt in the first place. Assuming of course, that the debt was 'discretionary' or avoidable. If you went into debt for a car repair, medical needs, etc I'd accept it and shut up. But I'd feel sad that you didn't think you could discuss it with me before incurring the debt so I could either help or offer alternatives.

LifeIsShitJustNow · 09/09/2023 17:03

Seeing that you’ve always had separate finances, I don’t think he can say anything as long as it doesn’t affect your daily living.

fwiw I’m pretty sure the loan on his car is higher. If he thinks it’s ok fir him to do that and for you to not comment, then he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.