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Original poster

Money secrets from dh

40 replies

Liquidleez · 01/09/2023 16:02

Hey

i’ve got myself into a bit of a mess. During maternity and 2 years working part time I racked up about 29k of debt on cards. It just sort of spiralled and now it’s 21.4K. Dh doesn’t know.

I return to full time teaching next week so will be able to clear the debt over 3 years.

dh and I have our own accounts etc. we have some other debt that we used for house renovations, however this was planned and well organised debt. Dh thinks that this all of our debt

he’ll be so upset and angry with me and I just can’t face it. Would it be terrible if me to just pay it off and never tell him?

OP posts:
Spudsanyway · 01/09/2023 16:22

That was silly!

YouHoooo · 01/09/2023 16:24

It would be a massive breach of trust.

Utterly awful, marriage ending behaviour.

Alwaysdecorating · 01/09/2023 16:24

You just spent a 29k in 3 years?

Can I ask on what?

I think it wills be silly to not tell him. While you can clear it, anything could happen between then and now which means it will be uncovered.

For me, the lying is far worse than the debt.

SoundsLikeAYouProblem · 01/09/2023 16:24

Can you imagine if he accidentally finds out?
If you came clean and he helped would you be able to clear it sooner and save some money on interest?

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2023 16:26

Blimey. What did you spend it on?!

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2023 16:33

When you were on maternity leave and working part-time, how were your joint finances organised? How much of this debt is ‘reckless’ overspending and how much is that you simply weren’t earning enough to cover all the bills?

Why didn’t you feel able to discuss this with your DH when you first started charging to the credit cards?

You will have to tell him and tackle it as a team, but it would be useful to understand how you contribute to joint bills and so on and what you’ve spent it on.

Do you end up spending money on the children, for instance? Is your DH not fully aware of how much family life costs with 2 DC?

First of all before you do anything you need a good, solid plan of how to repay it, and you should try to put as much as you can on 0% balance transfer if your credit is good. Racking up interest charges is really terrible and lots of your total debt will be from this, from burying your head in the sand and only paying the minimums.

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2023 16:36

The other reason you’ll have to tell him - aside from it being the right thing to do - is that he’s going to expect the family to have more money overall now you’re back to FT work. And that won’t be the case if you’re trying to pay off north of £30,000.

cruffinsmuffin · 01/09/2023 16:39

Will it come up if you need to remortgage in the future?

How on earth did you spend 30k in 3 years without him noticing?

In my personal circumstances I'd be horrified if my DH revealed that amount of secret debt.

Horriblewoman · 01/09/2023 16:41

That is a huge amount of secret debt to have, I’d be so upset if my husband hid this from me.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 01/09/2023 16:48

Just servicing the interest on that much cc debt will be huge, you are being highly optimistic if you think you can pay it back in three years on a teachers salary. Most sensible option would be to add it to your mortgage if you can.

What money did you have access to while on mat leave and presumably working part time to look after babies/little children? You say you have separate accounts, has the cost of having children, which include your salary reduction, been fairly shared? Did you enable him to be able to carry on working fulltime because you did all the childcare, did he compensate you for this?

Frankly when I hear stories like this, it smacks of financial abuse by the salaried person. Using the unpaid persons time and energy for free when in any other scenario outside of their supposed 'partnership' you would have to pay for 24/7 childcare (and surrogacy).

Ap24 · 01/09/2023 16:52

The lying would be worse than the debt. Come clean, if you're safe to do so and hopefully he will forgive you. You could clear that amount far quicker if you both work together.

MintJulia · 01/09/2023 16:57

That's an extra £830 a month - every month for three years !!!

Sorry but I'm curious. How? Do you have a fabulous wardrobe full of designer clothes?

Bobby80 · 01/09/2023 16:58

30k is a lot to keep hidden. It's also an awful lot to pay back off a teaching salary (I'm a teacher).

If it was me I'd get as much of it as possible onto 0% cards and pay as much as possible to clearing it, acknowledging that my standard of living will take a tip for a while. I'd also tell my OH.

Things like this tend to come out one way or another, eventually.

Grahambella · 01/09/2023 17:00

What did you spend it on? Day to day costs?

If you spent on day to day why didn’t you discuss at the time? That is what you need to get to the bottom of and then fix as a couple. There are so many reasons why the debt was incurred and without more information it’s hard to say what you should do next.

followmyflow · 01/09/2023 17:08

how was it 29k and is now 21.4k? have you already paid off around 8k?

why did you need to accumulate so much debt? was your husband not giving you enough for what you needed? assuming maternity pay didnt cover.

Katmai · 01/09/2023 17:08

That's more than a grand a month - what on earth did you spend it all on?

LonelyMom123 · 01/09/2023 17:43

I recently found out my husband has a lot of debt and has been lying to me for years. Pretty sure this is the end for us. I found out by accident. Save your marriage - apologise, explain and ask for forgiveness because finding out for me feels like a massive betrayal. Have a plan of how you are going to repay the money and stick to it.

greenspaces4peace · 01/09/2023 17:57

financial infidelity, you have been overspending and irresponsible.
equally though what kind of naïve idiot doesn't notice an additional 10 worth of stuff coming through the house per year X3??
long term relationships are based on honesty why the heck do so many on mn hide "their" income. husbands that don't share the basics with their wives and women who think it's okay to have zero clue what the household full income is.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 01/09/2023 18:15

Your not the first person to do this.

I think you have to tell him though and come up with a plan of how your going to pay it off eg marking exam papers or tutoring.

Monty27 · 01/09/2023 18:21

I reckon that would be a deal breaker for me OP. Sorry but it was irresponsible I don't know what you were thinking of.
Unless he's financially abusing you and the expenditure was on necessary items.
You need to tell him.

MiddleParking · 01/09/2023 18:29

Katmai · 01/09/2023 17:08

That's more than a grand a month - what on earth did you spend it all on?

AKA probably the exact amount you’d spend as a new mother being financially abused by your husband. It could also be extravagant overspending in an entirely different context, of course.

AndThenItWas · 01/09/2023 18:32

Harsh responses.

Did your husband not support you financially during maternity and early childcare years?

If you were left with no option but to use credit cards due to having no other money, I don't think you've done anything to feel guilty about.

FlyingMonkeyNever · 01/09/2023 18:40

AndThenItWas · 01/09/2023 18:32

Harsh responses.

Did your husband not support you financially during maternity and early childcare years?

If you were left with no option but to use credit cards due to having no other money, I don't think you've done anything to feel guilty about.

^This.

pinkdelight · 01/09/2023 18:58

Not telling him is part of the problem. If you'd told him much sooner when it was spiralling, he could've helped you. Not telling him now and planning to lie for the next three years is such shifty behaviour compounding that, and if your plan goes wrong it'll be even worse. Why can't you tell him? Why didn't you? Are you scared of him or something? How is that viable as a marriage? Even if he's upset by the debt, the betrayal is worse. What are the chances he'll get over the upset and be understanding and solve it together? Why isn't that the first option in your head?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/09/2023 19:01

I knew a friend who got into a lot of debt behind her husbands back- I blame him tbh- he knew how much she earned it just was easier to let her get into debt on mat leave than help her out.

just pay it off unless it’s likely you need to remortgage anytime soon?