Money secrets from dh

[Liquidleez]

Hey

i’ve got myself into a bit of a mess. During maternity and 2 years working part time I racked up about 29k of debt on cards. It just sort of spiralled and now it’s 21.4K. Dh doesn’t know.

I return to full time teaching next week so will be able to clear the debt over 3 years.

dh and I have our own accounts etc. we have some other debt that we used for house renovations, however this was planned and well organised debt. Dh thinks that this all of our debt

he’ll be so upset and angry with me and I just can’t face it. Would it be terrible if me to just pay it off and never tell him?

Yes, you are right of course about the possibility of financial abuse, but there didn't seem to be anything in the OP's post that indicated it.

Hmm….
what was the situation when you were on ML? Aka did you have access to funds or was your DH so tight fisted you felt you had to ‘go behind his back’?
Were you depressed at the time (not an uncommon reason for overspending)?

Or was it simply a spur of the moment, indulgent buys?

Its a lot of money but I have to say, I’m surprised that your DH didn’t question the amount you bought.

Btw the telling/not telling him would depend on the reason why you spent so much money.

But the fact you managed to reduced the debt in the last two years in a part time wage tells me you know how to handle money.
Which then points towards the issue being your DH not giving you access to adequate funds to take care of yourself and your dc.

In that case, I wouldn’t tell him. And I would make plans to leave asap.

Going against the grain here and will say it depends. Once you’re working ft, if you’re financially comfortable and you can pay your debt by spending less from your personal account, without reducing what you spend on your family, then I think it’s ok to deal with the debt on your own without talking about it. Even if it’s from reckless spending.
I’m honestly not sure how upset I’d be if my DH said he had significant debt I didn’t know about. As long as he was contributing to the family finances as expected, I actually might not care that much. Depends of course on how much it was. 5k on a credit card not a big deal in my view, 10k maybe not either. 100k another story, so your debt falls somewhere in between. I have mortgage for a flat I own, and I’m sure my DH doesn’t know if I have 30k or 50k or 60k left.

I'm on the fence on this, if you have your own finances, can clear the debt whilst still meeting family commitments then I'm not sure I see the issue.

I'd have to ask why you got into debt during mat leave and where was your dh during this time. Was he supporting you financially during this time or expecting you to fund your mat leave from savings etc? I hear about so many women who have to fund their own mat leave and work pt due to childcare etc and the df don't support them financially.

But the fact you managed to reduced the debt in the last two years in a part time wage tells me you know how to handle money.

Or it was a typo…

Hopefully the OP will come back. There’s loads of good advice that could be given on dealing with this (financially and in terms of relationship) but it’s hard to say without more info from them.

not a popular view but I’d be inclined to pay it off if feasible, and hope he didn’t find out. I get that it’s deceitful etc but sometimes we have do things that are not ideal for the greater good

This.....

I was in a similar situation myself, racked up significant (in relation to my wages) debt during maternity leave and childcare years as I didn't have enough money for day to day expenses.

Husband went mad when he found out, even though he had insisted I didn't need extra money and refused to pay a few of the bills I used to pay. Looking back it was absolutely financial abuse but didn't see it at the time.

Long story short, it got paid off and I insisted on joint accounts for all wages and bills. Then we each had a bit for spending each month, the rest onto savings.

How many times have we seen threads on here from women getting into debt because their partner/husband doesn’t contribute to childcare, clothing for the kids, food or contribute to household bills fairly. They use credit cards to make up the shortfall while Mr. Billy Big Bollocks keeps his money to himself.
Im not saying that is what happened here but it could very well be.

Yes you should tell him.

And lots are claiming this is financial abuse but I don't see how you can say that based on what the OP wrote. Have I missed something?

I would only call it abuse if the OH refused to contribute more when asked - did that happen? Was he told this debt was building and why?

How did your DH not notice that you were living beyond your means for all that time?
I feel sorry for him because you clearly don’t love or trust him enough to be able to discuss this with him - I saw another poster comment that it will be around £830 per month repayments - with interest you’ll be looking around 1.2k - depending on the APR. At least half (if not more) of your monthly income will be going towards this.

If I was you right now. I’d be having a conversation with DH and explaining that you were foolish.
Work together as a team and look to repay the debt quicker. If you can both make sacrifices, can you overpay on the monthly payments?
If you pay £1700 a month towards this then you will have cleared the debt in 18 months and pay less interest.

You say spiralling. Get to a debt counsellor and get it to stop growing. If it was normal mat spending then the fault is as much his as yours, but if you have a problem, are you going to be able to rein it in?
You will have to tell him, simply because he is going to wonder where your salary is going

This is an old post but I'm wondering how !?@Liquidleez you got on? I'm in a very similar situation myself and wondering what to do for the best.

I wouldn’t worry about it just pay it off. Make sure you’re swapping it about to get the 0% deals.

DH and I have separate finances and neither of us know the ins and outs of each others money but I’ll caveat that by saying we’re both higher than average earners.

Without knowing what this money has been spent on its very harsh to say her DH is an "idiot" for not noticing. For all you know she could have lost it gambling and have nothing to show for it at all.

Racking up big debts in secret is always bad, but the situation is coloured by whether it's just wasted or spent on the kids: if you needed more money for the kids but never spoke up then his reaction will likely be very different to if you gambled it away.

On the question of whether to speak up...if you speak up he will be upset (and likely rightly so) but if you DON'T speak up and he finds out accidentally on his own somehow it will be much worse. I might be able to forgive a partner who got into difficulty, admitted a mistake, and asked for help. A partner who racks up a 30k debt and then hides it from me would be someone I would never trust again.