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Original poster

Angry at dh buthave I had my head in the sand?

27 replies

twoeyeddear · 31/08/2023 14:24

Hi,

DH has managed our money for several years. I have kind of just let this happen as it was one less thing for me to think about I suppose. We have both struggled with overspending in our younger years and as a result, we have some debt. I know about the debt but dh is the one that deals with it and sorts our the payments etc. It's just become something that isn't really discussed.

Each month I pay a proportion of my salary into our joint account and then dh does the rest.

This week, I have realised that our debt is quite a bit higher than I thought it was. This has caused arguments between me and dh. He feels that I am being unfair an unreasonable as I go shopping and go on holidays etc without considering how it's funded.

I am also concerned that a bit more of the debt is in my name than I realised. I have checked my equifax and thankfully everything is paid up to date etc. DH explained that he regularly moves the money around into each of our names depending on what is the best promotional offer etc.

DH has been very upset with me since we argued. He feels that I have been too hands off with the money and that it's not fair for me to just wade in now, getting angry.

I admint that I have been too trusting. I assumed that the debt was coming down quickly. I also accept that I should have questioned how the holidays etc were being funded.

DH is a good guy and I can see that it's all gone on family spending, however it's difficult to not feel a bit resentful that he hasn't told me the true extent of it. How do we get past this?

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 31/08/2023 14:25

Your DH has a very valid point.

WaitingfortheTardis · 31/08/2023 14:27

I think you get past it by both taking responsibility. You cannot let him shoulder the blame for it. Sit down and work out together how you are going to manage it between you as a team from now on. It sounds like you didn't want to know about it and he didn't want to tell you about it, it's understandable as I imagine many people would do the same, but now you need to face it and sort it together.

stealthninjamum · 31/08/2023 14:37

Op I think you should apologise and say that you wont make non essential purchases or buy holidays without a conversation.

Then sit down, understand your finances, and see if you can set a budget to help reduce your debts quicker. Or maybe set up accounts with different pots so that you can save for holidays / Christmas etc.

RandomMess · 31/08/2023 14:44

I do all the money in this house, I would be fuming if DH moaned about our debt after showing zero interest in it.

dementedpixie · 31/08/2023 14:55

How is he managing to put debt in your name without you being aware of it? That would annoy me

Original poster
twoeyeddear · 31/08/2023 15:01

dementedpixie · 31/08/2023 14:55

How is he managing to put debt in your name without you being aware of it? That would annoy me

So we have a number of credit cards and if an offer comes up on one of them then he transfers the balance etc. I think that he just sees it as our debt. I don't think that he is trying to do me over or anything

OP posts:
Heatherbell1978 · 31/08/2023 18:07

To be honest there's no excuse for you to take zero interest in your family finances. It's a bit like the old days when the wife was handed an allowance and the man dealt with all the 'important' stuff. I do all the money management in our house and personally don't know how I could spend money if I didn't know how much I had in the first place. I literally check accounts every day and have spreadsheets set up to track everything.

loveyoutothemoonandtosaturn · 31/08/2023 18:10

How much are we talking OP? Is he putting while holidays onto a credit card for example? Wouldn't you wonder how it was being paid for if not coming out of joint account or savings?

SkaneTos · 31/08/2023 18:14

RandomMess · 31/08/2023 14:44

I do all the money in this house, I would be fuming if DH moaned about our debt after showing zero interest in it.

I agree with this.

Original poster
twoeyeddear · 31/08/2023 18:15

loveyoutothemoonandtosaturn · 31/08/2023 18:10

How much are we talking OP? Is he putting while holidays onto a credit card for example? Wouldn't you wonder how it was being paid for if not coming out of joint account or savings?

There have been a couple of holidays but it's more life creep - being a bit short so using the CC at the end of the month but then not really catching up.

I just thought that he had it all in hand, but then we never really talked about it.

I think that a lot of it was him trying to not show that it was becoming stressful and not wanting to upset me, which angers and upsets me in equal measure.

OP posts:
Daffodilwoman · 31/08/2023 18:20

Hmmm it’s a bit concerning that he puts things in your name.
I do think if one person manages one part of the household it’s not unreasonable for the other person to concentrate on other areas and not be fully involved in all areas.
Op- I would say to your dh you need to sit down and just look at finances together in a non confrontational way. Once you can see what is going in and out you will both be able to manage things better.

Original poster
twoeyeddear · 31/08/2023 18:22

Daffodilwoman · 31/08/2023 18:20

Hmmm it’s a bit concerning that he puts things in your name.
I do think if one person manages one part of the household it’s not unreasonable for the other person to concentrate on other areas and not be fully involved in all areas.
Op- I would say to your dh you need to sit down and just look at finances together in a non confrontational way. Once you can see what is going in and out you will both be able to manage things better.

I do know what I have got in my name and I have said before that I don't mind if it saves money. Also, the bulk of the debt is in his name so I don't feel that he taking the piss regarding that

OP posts:
VisionsOfSplendour · 31/08/2023 18:33

RandomMess · 31/08/2023 14:44

I do all the money in this house, I would be fuming if DH moaned about our debt after showing zero interest in it.

Would you not have ever mentioned to him that the debt was increasing and you needed to have a conversation? Would you happily let him think he could carry on and spend money you don't have?

Gazelda · 31/08/2023 18:36

I assumed that the debt was coming down quickly.

What made you assume that? Did you think you were contributing more than was being spent? Or did he tell you he was overpaying the repayments?

I agree with other posters that I'd feel pretty angry if my DH started berating me for the level of family debt despite never having expressed any interest or responsibility previously.

Littlemissweepy · 31/08/2023 18:37

I was your DH in my marriage (we’re divorced now) and he showed no interest atall. If one day he started criticizing I would have flipped. If he had said “you know what, I can’t be this hands off, thanks for taking care of everything but let me help from now on. Can you fill me in?” I would have happily done so (whilst looking over his shoulder for the flying pig).

Littlemissweepy · 31/08/2023 18:43

Mind you I wasn’t getting us into further debt, I was improving things after his appalling money management left us in a mess

historyrepeatz · 31/08/2023 18:50

I personally couldn't ever leave money management to my other half. I need to know we are okay. I hate assumptions. It's so easy to overspend if you don't think about things. I don't think it's fair to be angry with him if you've taken no interest. You should both review your finances together regularly.

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 31/08/2023 19:00

Has your DH explained why he hasn’t made it clear to you that the debts are getting worse not better? What does he say/do when you book holidays?

thecatinthetwat · 31/08/2023 19:01

I do most of the money management in our house. I think it’d be odd and a bit reckless if debts started increasing and I didn’t mention it. When things go up eg mortgage, I mention it so that we are both aware. If DH mentioned a holiday and I knew we couldn’t afford it without going into debt for example, I would say something obviously.

Clefable · 31/08/2023 19:02

thecatinthetwat · 31/08/2023 19:01

I do most of the money management in our house. I think it’d be odd and a bit reckless if debts started increasing and I didn’t mention it. When things go up eg mortgage, I mention it so that we are both aware. If DH mentioned a holiday and I knew we couldn’t afford it without going into debt for example, I would say something obviously.

Yes, same here. I handle all the budget stuff as I'm a budget and money nerd and enjoy it but I would always tell DH relevant info about our finances and share with him. V weird if he's not said anything and you've been booking holidays!

Changingplace · 31/08/2023 19:26

twoeyeddear · 31/08/2023 18:15

There have been a couple of holidays but it's more life creep - being a bit short so using the CC at the end of the month but then not really catching up.

I just thought that he had it all in hand, but then we never really talked about it.

I think that a lot of it was him trying to not show that it was becoming stressful and not wanting to upset me, which angers and upsets me in equal measure.

Show quote history

I think if you’re fairly regularly using credit cards at the end of the month because you’re short then putting holidays on credit as well and expecting the debt to be going down significantly was pretty naive of you.

How did you think the debt would go down if you’ve added holidays on? If I was your DH I’d be annoyed you’ve done that and are now complaining about the debt.

Ascendant15 · 31/08/2023 19:30

You know there is debt. You assume it's reducing. You take no interest in managing the money. You spend on shopping and holidays without considering whether you can afford it. He's right.

caringcarer · 31/08/2023 19:45

stealthninjamum · 31/08/2023 14:37

Op I think you should apologise and say that you wont make non essential purchases or buy holidays without a conversation.

Then sit down, understand your finances, and see if you can set a budget to help reduce your debts quicker. Or maybe set up accounts with different pots so that you can save for holidays / Christmas etc.

This. You say it's all family stuff so it's not as if he has been wasting a lot of money on himself. As a team sit down once kids in bed. Have some nice snacks and coffee and together go through the bank statements. See if there is anything you can cut out. You might have to make a few sacrifices like cut out Netflix or Disney+. Get cheap mobile contracts etc. Agree no holiday next year. Agree a very cheap Xmas. Work hard together to pay down the debt and pay down some in your name first so you both have some but it's more equal.

HalfSiblingsMadeContact · 01/09/2023 08:51

Reading somewhat between the lines, I wonder if you have a communication issue similar to ours. If I get "emotional" DH considers that I need to "calm down" before we can discuss anything. So anything remotely frustrating or upsetting gets closed down instead of being dealt with.

I hope you can reset your joint approach to family finances and create a plan that will make progress on your debts. Good luck.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 01/09/2023 09:07

I think you get past it by taking the emphasis off blame, for either of you (since you both allowed this situation to develop in different ways) and resolving to work out how the two of you, working together as a team, will address the issue and move forwards.