Angry at dh buthave I had my head in the sand?

[twoeyeddear]

Hi,

DH has managed our money for several years. I have kind of just let this happen as it was one less thing for me to think about I suppose. We have both struggled with overspending in our younger years and as a result, we have some debt. I know about the debt but dh is the one that deals with it and sorts our the payments etc. It's just become something that isn't really discussed.

Each month I pay a proportion of my salary into our joint account and then dh does the rest.

This week, I have realised that our debt is quite a bit higher than I thought it was. This has caused arguments between me and dh. He feels that I am being unfair an unreasonable as I go shopping and go on holidays etc without considering how it's funded.

I am also concerned that a bit more of the debt is in my name than I realised. I have checked my equifax and thankfully everything is paid up to date etc. DH explained that he regularly moves the money around into each of our names depending on what is the best promotional offer etc.

DH has been very upset with me since we argued. He feels that I have been too hands off with the money and that it's not fair for me to just wade in now, getting angry.

I admint that I have been too trusting. I assumed that the debt was coming down quickly. I also accept that I should have questioned how the holidays etc were being funded.

DH is a good guy and I can see that it's all gone on family spending, however it's difficult to not feel a bit resentful that he hasn't told me the true extent of it. How do we get past this?

I can see fault on both sides here, but understand that the stress is unfairly weighted on your husband.

To caveat, I deal with the finances for our household. We use debt efficiently, in that we always have enough to pay it off when needed but keep the cash aside to earn money. I also shift that debt around depending on what deals are around- pretty sure all debt is currently in my name (I seem to get better deals) but my DH wouldn't care if I put it in his.

While you really should have some semblance of what is going on financially to ensure you aren't contributing to a problem, I do wonder why he never mentioned to you in passing how things were funded. If I'm putting something on a credit card, I tell my DH and the reasoning why. Like you, he leaves me to it and trusts me, but he does also ask me for updates from time to time.

You are at fault for not asking about your financial situation, even if it is loose updates to make sure everything is on track and not just blindly spending. He should have opened up a dialogue with you if he saw things were slipping to make sure you were both on the same page in respect of not spending on silly things and adding to debt.

Even if he handles the finances, you can't expect to be told what to do like a toddler. You need to have at least a minimal awareness and not blindly adding to the problem. Your DH might have felt he needed to chase the lifestyle you were both accustom to when really belts needed tightening- there is fault on both sides there. You for not thinking about rising costs (mental load) and DH for sweeping it under the rug.

You both need to accept some blame and move on. Both sit down, discuss where you are and your game plan moving forward.

You need to stop blaming and reset.

You need to sit down and create a budget together and you need to get on top of the debt not just move it around. (Sure move it arpund but start prioritising reducing it faster)

Amazed you are going on holidays etc rather than working hard for a year or two to clear debt. Money saving expert is a great resorce to cut costs.

That said there was a thread asking about unsecured personal loans and if 40k was a lot. I thought it was shocking (our gross household income is over 5 x that and i wouldnt sleep at night with that level of debt) others thought it was entirely standard.