Partner wants to control my finances

[Firfely]

Hi all.

So a long story short, my OH bought a house that I was due to invest in but ended up having to use the money on renovations etc. partner has now kicked off I used that and asked where all my wages have gone. I realised that I have a problem with unnecessary and small purchases that total to a large amount each month (no debt though).

to save the marriage she wants to open a joint account where my wages will go and all of the household bills, childcare and shopping will go from. Anything left at the end of the month will go into another joint account and will be used for holidays etc. she said she will match whatever we use from the second account. I will be allowed to use the second account for myself but she wants to see where my money goes and what I spend it on.

she also wants me to sign an agreement to say that if things don’t work out then I have no rights to anything from the house or from her money. She also wants to write a will to that effect too.

to add : I’ve paid all bills for the last 3 years anyway as the primary income for the household.

I have no idea what to do. I love her to bits but I am essentially giving all control away and if she kicks me out, I’ll be left with nothing.

That would be a big fuck off from me.

Yep.

That’s financial abuse. Sorry but that was an error to use your money for renovation of her house. I’d be planning my escape

Don't do it. This partner sounds like a control freak.

You've put your share in by paying for renovation and bills...so that's an unfair statement from oh...maybe set up a house account you both put in either equally or a percentage to ensure you both have personal money.( sounds like she's setting herself up nicely for a life with out you )

Are you married? Who’s the actual legal owner of the house?

This is what I was thinking. I asked the question of well what would happen 3 years down the line when you kick me out and I’ve put x amount into a mortgage etc. I’ve already paid around 35k on the mortgage and renovations. But apparently I haven’t, apparently that was “her money that I stole off her”

Yes married very recently. House is all in her name due to an ex leaving my credit file shot.

I’ve already paid around 35k on the mortgage and renovations. But apparently I haven’t, apparently that was “her money that I stole off her”

What??? Stole? Is there some reason that this was her money or is she completely batshit?

basically I had agreed to put the money in once a bond matured, but I was desperate to do the renovations etc and so I got early access to it and lied to her about it. Obviously knowing it would come out one day. Yes I’m in the wrong for lying but I was trying to do right by my family.

she then argued that my income should have been enough but then I openly admitted that I must have a problem because taking the renovations etc out. I spend what I have coming in each month.

What she is suggesting is financial abuse. So who pays the mortgage? Jointly owned house and joint bank account where everyones incomes go, where everyone has access to everything, absolutely but not this.

Ah, it was your ex's fault, but not yours. But now you have complete control over your own finances you have no idea what you spend all your money on?

How is spending YOUR £ on renovations stealing from her??
Does she work?
Work out monthly outgoings and divide proportionally to income and put that in joint account and keep your personal spends.
How much are you wasting every month on your small buys?

My ex was meant to pay the gas and electric as well as a couple of other bills but never. She used to hide the bills and it was only when she cheated on me and I kicked her out I found out.

I know what I spend my money on but I never realised I had a problem until my wife pointed it out. I save a little each month and the rest gets spent. I don’t have credit cards, store cards etc.

I’ve no issue paying the bills. It was my idea when we moved in as she works part time to ease childcare needs. I suggested all of this.

it is the now idea that to save the marriage I must put all my wages in and whatever’s left after bills will go into a different account where she will also be able to see what’s there and if I do spend anything, what it’s been spent on.

But you said
I realised that I have a problem with unnecessary and small purchases that total to a large amount each month

So you're futtering away a "large" amount of money each month on nothing. If you had agreed to save up to invest in the house together and instead you spunked away a large amount of money on nothing then of course she's going to not trust you with money.

Many married people have a joint account into which they both pay their salaries, and out of which comes all the bills. What's left over after all bills are paid is then shared between them. Is that the sort of thing she is suggesting?

If you are genuinely appalling with finances and spend it like water (and your credit history is v poor) then could it be that she is trying to help you to stop squandering money? You say yourself you don't really know where it all goes, other than most of it is on unnecessary purchases.

Either of those scenarios could be said to be fairly reasonable.

If she is wanting you to hand over all your money so she entirely controls the whole lot and pays the bills with it, then lets you have a little of what's left, then that is something else entirely. And that appears to be what you are describing.

When it comes to signing things regarding the property and wills, you need to take advice from a solicitor. It would be best if you see them on your own, and they can then advise you impartially.

Yes she wants the control, she won’t be putting money into this joint account other than if we book a holiday or do work on the house then she will “match me”. My wages will pay all bills, childcare and food as a way of “recouping” what I should have given her.

she wants this in place for 5 years

Is she happy for you to ‘watch!l of her spendings’ too? And have a say in what and why she is spending money?

I suspect not.

That still doesn't explain why she thinks it was her money and you stole it. It sounds like it was your money.

She now wants an account for your money to be accessible to her, and that household expenses come out of, but that she doesn't pay into. 🤔

I'm now wondering whether you really do fritter your money away on "unnecessary things" or whether that's what she's persuaded you.

Fuck that.

Also you say you have a problem with money and your DP helped you see that.

You have no debt, you paid for renovations, maybe took an unwise decision in not waiting for the bind to mature. You don’t over spend and have been the main earner for quite a few years.

What sort of problem do you think you have?
Its all good to say that you are spending small amount regularly and that all adds up but most of us do unless you want to live like a monk/nun.
So I’m wondering what it is that is so bad that your partner needs to check every single buy you do. Could you give us a better explanation as to why you think you have a problem with money?

It would help if you told us what these unnecessary purchases are?
And how much in total each month are you spending on these purchases?

So she bought a house and now it's half yours because you're married, but instead of you saving up and putting money into the house (and reducing the mortgage) you squandered it all away and now she's realised that all you've contributed to the house is 'renovations'.

I'd love to hear her side of this story.

Her side would be no different. How you’ve explained it is exactly as it was. I said I’d contribute that to her as part of the deposit when the bond matured but I didn’t, I paid for renovations which she assumed were coming from my wages. Not sure what your issue is with believing me