Partner wants to control my finances

[Firfely]

Hi all.

So a long story short, my OH bought a house that I was due to invest in but ended up having to use the money on renovations etc. partner has now kicked off I used that and asked where all my wages have gone. I realised that I have a problem with unnecessary and small purchases that total to a large amount each month (no debt though).

to save the marriage she wants to open a joint account where my wages will go and all of the household bills, childcare and shopping will go from. Anything left at the end of the month will go into another joint account and will be used for holidays etc. she said she will match whatever we use from the second account. I will be allowed to use the second account for myself but she wants to see where my money goes and what I spend it on.

she also wants me to sign an agreement to say that if things don’t work out then I have no rights to anything from the house or from her money. She also wants to write a will to that effect too.

to add : I’ve paid all bills for the last 3 years anyway as the primary income for the household.

I have no idea what to do. I love her to bits but I am essentially giving all control away and if she kicks me out, I’ll be left with nothing.

I looked at February (I had bank statements as she had requested to see them when it all came out). I spent approx £900 on bills including mortgage, council tax, phone, internet, car tax, home insurance, car insurance, union membership, breakdown cover, water rates and a couple of other bills I think off the top of my head.
£120 on fuel
and approx £800 on food shops, small food items (drinks, sweets takeaways etc), eBay purchases (small items like £5-10 nothing major though), Amazon (like eBay). These were mainly unnecessary now I look at it, or little things for the house or for my son.

What is she paying for?

So what's she going to be spending her money on for five years?

And once that time is up, then what?

She was paying childcare but I now have to pay that to recompensate what I should have given her.

I'd register an interest in her property so if she sells she needs to repay the money you spent on her property. This is because the renovations which you paid for will have added value to her house. Therefore you should get your money back, make sure you see a solicitor pronto. Also, get rid of the money, grabbing, financial abuser ASAP.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/notices-restrictions-and-the-protection-of-third-party-interests-in-the-register

Whose bond was it?
Who put the initial money in for it? How many years/ months until it had matured?

Were the renovations done by you ( and you bought materials with the bond money) or were tradespeople hired?

She's taking the piss.
You've paid for renovations on her house.
You've been paying for everything except childcare but now you're paying that too?

Was the money in the bond yours to start with? Or was it joint money?
I don't understand why she's saying you stole her money.

So you get to pay for everything for 5 years and she has come up with some elaborate system of joint accounts which basically involve you putting all your money in and it being spent on bills etc, what's left over goes into another joint account for holidays and she pays you some back at the end?

Fuck that.

It was my bond which I put the money in. It was a 3 year bond. When I closed it to access the money, I forfeited 60 days interest.

the renovations were a combination of tradespeople for plastering, windows, new boiler and carpets. The rest was done by me buying materials - radiators, paint, paper, artificial grass (plus sand etc), summer house, fencing, etc. plus mortgage being paid by me for now 3 years.

I have receipts and bank statements for all transactions, plus timings for hours spent on labour

How much did she pay in the house deposit?
Is this correct: you have paid £35k renovations, all bills and mortgage for 3 years?
She has paid until now childcare? but no bills or mortgage?
How on earth does she figure you owe her? is it because you didn't give her a lump sum of £35k?

You've mentioned that this is a new marriage, are the DC yours?

So she paid a hefty deposit on the house that is only in her name.
You paid for renovations and she paid for none of the renovations.
You paid all the bills for 3 years.
She paid for child care for 3 years.

Ideally to rectify matters:

Part 1)

1. You need to be on the mortgage as joint owner
2. You need to pay 50% of the house deposit to her
3. She needs to pay 50% of the renovation costs to you (or take it out of your deposit contribution)

Once you know what all these things amount to it should be easy to work out how much you owe her or how much she owes you.

If you can’t be put on the mortgage then it’s not your house and she should cover the mortgage entirely herself going forward, repay you the mortgage costs you have paid and repay to you the renovation costs. You would then pay her some rent for living in her house.

Part 2)

Then that leaves sorting out the bills, excluding your personal trivial stuff like transformer models from Amazon.

The ratio for bills (including childcare, and excluding mortgage payments if you are not going to be put on the deeds) needs to be proportional to your take-home income. If you earn twice what she earns then you should pay twice as much as her, for example you pay 66% and she pays 33%

So if the the ratio is as above and the bills came to £24k x 3 and the child care costs came to £12k x 3 then all is well.

If you both wanted to be more specific it should include pension contributions on top of the take home pay.

Often an even fairer option is with Part 2 to both put all income into a joint account pay all bills and get equal personal spends out of it. This would value her time as equal to yours, staying at home being a mum is of equal value to being at work earning imho.

I assumed the children are both of yours (not step children). If not your children then the child care costs are hers to sort (as is keeping any child maintenance).

A lot of things don't add up here. How did she get a mortgage in her sole name if she works part time?

OP, if you want help on figuring out if this is fair, you’ll need to give figures.

How much is the house worth?

How much is owed on the mortgage?

How much do you earn?

How much does she earn?

How much is the monthly mortgage + bills you pay?

How much childcare + other outgoings does she pay?

I’m sorry but it doesn’t make sense at all.

Did she buy the house when you were married or before?
How much was her deposit vs the cost of the renovations?
Who was supposed to pay for the renovations? Was it supposed to be 50/50 in her mind or you were supposed to pay for it all?

The looking at the day to day spending
why is she paying so little (only the childcare and now not all of it)? I mean is she REALLY not spending money on anything else like kids clothes etc….
what’s the breakdown of the £800? You didn’t overspend £800 there because you’ll need to eat (and so does she). So how much are we actually talking about?? and is the amount actually relevant?

And that’s before starting to talk about how ressources are shared - aka how much you both put into the common pot for shared costs.

Yes 👆&

You (and her/wife) could open joint account and pay say ie. 50% (or whatever % fits) to cover bills; daily expenses and keep the rest in your account -that way you are not giving her all power of your money

I will be allowed to use the second account for myself but she wants to see where my money goes and what I spend it on

Hell no. Allowed??

You lied to her about money.
You promised her £35k as your part of the deposit.
You didn’t give it to her. Instead you spent it on the house. You didn’t tell her this money was coming from the deposit you had promised her.
I’d be fuming at you.
I can understand why she’s keen to oversee your spending but I’m not sure how it will help mend the trust you have broken through your lying. Would Couples counselling be an option to talk through this and to regain trust?

You'll have to forgive me here, and you don't have to answer this but I'm confused about the funding of the house? So this is my understanding - your credit is shot so you couldn't get a mortgage inyour name. I take from that that although you don't use cards etc, that you have debts to service. So you had a bond that was due to mature (£35k) which was supposed to be deposit on house? But you used it for house renovations, letting your wife think you were using your income? So how was the house deposit paid for, was it her house and your £35k was your "buy in" to reduce the mortgage? Is there equity in the house which was hers as I'm trying to understand why she says you have stolen from her? Do you have a good income. Sorry all personal questions which you don't have to answer but trying to understand the situation.

And whose name is the house in?

OP has said that they are married, so in the event of a relationship breakdown the house would be considered a matrimonial asset irrespective of whether it was bought before they were married, and whose name is on the mortgage.

Because of the marriage it's not necessary to register an interest or be added to the mortgage in order for OP to have their interests protected, although it would be a good idea to maintain records of how much has been contributed to the house to aid in a division of assets (if it ever became necessary).

It does sound like financial abuse I am afraid OP.