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Original poster

Appropriate Sum

67 replies

Petal12 · 30/07/2023 06:49

Hi all, just looking for some guidance on an appropriate gift to my relative. I’m sorry to be so vague but don’t want this to be outing as I believe the relative visits Mumsnet. Very basically my relative took control of a situation that very nearly went pear shaped but didn’t and ultimately resulted in me receiving over £350k. Had relative not stepped and taken control at great inconvenience and time to them, I would not have this money. I would like to gift her. But how much is reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Petal12 · 30/07/2023 08:51

No they have not benefited from the situation at all. If anything it’s cost them their time and some expenses money (think petrol, printing costs etc). They work full time and have 3 kids, 2 of whom play quite high level football so time is short. They don’t have a lot to spare time wise and I believe some annual leave has been used also which obviously eats in to family time. To sum it ip their input has inconvenienced their whole family at times in the sense of logistics or just encroaching on family time.

OP posts:
DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 30/07/2023 08:53

I think £10k is very stingy!

LittleBearPad · 30/07/2023 08:54

I would offer to pay for a really lovely holiday for them and their family or something like that. I wouldn’t hand over cash.

MistyMorningMelons · 30/07/2023 08:55

Petal12 · 30/07/2023 08:51

No they have not benefited from the situation at all. If anything it’s cost them their time and some expenses money (think petrol, printing costs etc). They work full time and have 3 kids, 2 of whom play quite high level football so time is short. They don’t have a lot to spare time wise and I believe some annual leave has been used also which obviously eats in to family time. To sum it ip their input has inconvenienced their whole family at times in the sense of logistics or just encroaching on family time.

Then £10k is definitely tight.

Minimum £50k.

TriciaMcMillan · 30/07/2023 08:55

10% seems right to me instinctively, particularly after your context, the impact on their time, family logistics etc, and how long they've been involved. Less seems a little paltry, given what you've received.

Mindymomo · 30/07/2023 08:56

Personally, I would have a chat with this person and tell them you’d like to give them a gift of money or something else they might like. They may say they don’t want anything, then I would say can I put some money into children's accounts. You’ve explained yourself very well here, so just need to explain it to the person who did you a good turn.

Glenthebattleostrich · 30/07/2023 08:58

I'd say 20k a d a couple of nice things just for the relative. That way the money can be used for family benefit because they have sacrificed too and the relative gets a personal thanks

caringcarer · 30/07/2023 08:58

I gift them £25k and the spa membership. I think they were very generous of their time, in particular taking their holiday time to sort this for you. You won't miss £25k and as you say without their help you'd have nothing.

stopringingme · 30/07/2023 08:59

@Petal12

I think 10k is a good amount, with the gifts you mentioned.

You could pay for a dream family holiday for them as well with a bit of spending money - you know if this idea would appeal, but this acknowledges the family as well.

repetitionismyname · 30/07/2023 09:13

IF you’re going to give a cash lump sum you need to be careful you don’t insult them and their family for the huge amount of inconvenience they’ve gone to and with that family set up, I can imagine the burden of the effort is greater than you’ll ever know. It’s likely caused arguments with their spouse and all kinds.

Cash lump sum I think needs to be at least 10%. Less could indicate you’re grateful but don’t really understand what the commitment from the whole family which would be a shame and mean that the gift wouldn’t have the intended effect.

MistyMorningMelons · 30/07/2023 09:13

stopringingme · 30/07/2023 08:59

@Petal12

I think 10k is a good amount, with the gifts you mentioned.

You could pay for a dream family holiday for them as well with a bit of spending money - you know if this idea would appeal, but this acknowledges the family as well.

It's not enough.

I don't like infantilising people by dictating how gifted money should be spent. I wouldn't want to be given a "dream holiday".

I'd give at least £50k (but probably closer to £100k) and tell them to do as they wish. OP would still be £250k better off than she would've been without this persons help.

I'd give the generous lump and then not worry about having to be extra thoughtful for Christmas/birthdays.

If I helped a financially stable sibling (for example) gain almost £350k, I wouldn't think kindly of being thanked with £10k. Unless they had the mob on their tale, I'd think they were the tightest of fuckers.

3luckystars · 30/07/2023 09:17

50k

It’s a huge amount but you would having nothing without them.
€50k definitely. They might not even accept it (hopefully)😂

Do it NOW before the humour goes off you.

Zampa · 30/07/2023 09:23

If I helped a relative or friend in dire straits get money to which they were entitled, despite personal inconvenience, I would want and expect nothing.

To say that OP should give away £50K is mad! Even £10K is extremely generous.

Original poster
Petal12 · 30/07/2023 09:27

Again thanks everyone. Definitely food for thought. I don’t have the actual money yet - likely to be received early next week. I don’t want to attach any terms to the money or dictate how it is spent in anyway so I will do a cash sum - there are some fees to come off the £350k which I can take a rough guess at so I will see what I am left with exactly and do 15% of what’s left plus the spa membership which is c.£3k alone - I know this is wanted and I know my relative will spend whatever I give them on the family and home improvements so I want them to have something for themselves which they will enjoy and get relaxation from.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 30/07/2023 09:37

Petal12 · 30/07/2023 08:22

No I would not have got the money. The money was intended for me but certain things hadn’t been actioned. Had my relative not stepped up the money would have been lost/gone forever

Well £50 000 at least. If it took them 18 months I'd probably go halves.

andfinallyimhere · 30/07/2023 09:38

They might be embarrassed by the thought of taking money so perhaps you could offer them 'the holiday of a lifetime' or something like that. Ask if they could go anywhere in the world, where would they go? And then gift then flights, luxury hotel, spending money etc. Ir if they're not really into holidays, a similar gift that you know will be really meaningful to them,

Some time ago I did an extensive piece of work for a family member which saved them a large sum of money. I did it because I've got the training to do it and because I love them. Personally I'd be a bit mortified if they tried to give me money (I did it for love) but if they offered a gift like a holiday or something I'd like, I'd definitely be ok with that.

SaleOfTwoTitties · 30/07/2023 09:38

Your latest offer seems kind and generous, and much nicer than the 10k plus bits!
I think that shows appreciation and gratitude The original 10k would have offended me, personally, if knowing that you didn't desperately need the money.

sittingonacornflake · 30/07/2023 09:41

It is worth finding out whether they receive Universal Credit because any gift you give that would take their savings to over £16k would wipe their entitlement to benefits so they may not want this. I say this because with 3 kids they might receive UC for childcare. More people who are comfortable financially receive UC than you'd know.

FunGamesStuff · 30/07/2023 09:43

15% plus spa membership sounds amazing. I'm guessing this is an inheritance situation. I imagine they wanted to do the right thing and were genuinely happy to help but it's kind of to acknowledge it. I think a cash gift is appropriate and I think the spa membership is an incredible treat.

Chatillon · 30/07/2023 09:44

Professional asset tracers get 20% I recall. That is what a client paid to trace a substantial life policy redemption.

This link confirms that - https://traceinline.co.uk/fees/

Specialists in the land promotion / land agency sector get about 20% of what they can achieve on speculative land deals.

I think 20% is about the right amount, not less.

Fees — TraceInline

https://traceinline.co.uk/fees

Bunnycat101 · 30/07/2023 09:45

Is this money connected to your husband’s death? If so that would change my approach to the amount you’d gift to a relative. If that money was intended to provide for you in a difficult time, I think the £10k suggestions are perfectly reasonable. If the money was from something a bit more random then I’d be tempted to go higher.

Chatillon · 30/07/2023 09:46

Also, thinking about it, if a professional agency charges 20% then OP could hypothetically have gone to one of those. Therefore, while 20% is a 'not less' it is also a 'no more than'.

sashagabadon · 30/07/2023 09:47

I think 15% sounds right and puts you on the right side of grateful/ generous which is a far better position to be in than tight/ ungrateful.
far better to give more than they would possibly expect than less and the gift falls flat and could even breed resentment imo

Original poster
Petal12 · 30/07/2023 09:48

@FunGamesStuff yes it is an inheritance type situation and completely unconnected to my partners death

OP posts:
sashagabadon · 30/07/2023 09:49

You sound a very generous and thoughtful person by the way!